Hello, Gildor
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It wasn’t before the walker abandoned it for the lush grass of the park, and he made his way toward a stone well that rested among a grove of pine.
This line needs clarifying, something is missing. Abandoned what?
It was a deathly silence that shrouded the place, all except for the cold breeze that swayed the grass, and the gentle pulsing of the sack at his waist.
This could be tightened by cutting the bolded words and beginning the line with --A deathly silence--
earthen passage beneath the city. An ancient road, a thousand years old. {b{A road that harbored secrets darker than ever imagined.
An incomplete sentence. If it could be combined with the next it might be smoother. I like the descriptive words and hope you keep them, only cutting 'a road that'
Torches light the giant hall, held by brackets upon the stone columns. Set into the walls were hundreds of arched door ways, leading into secret locked rooms.
The amount of doors is unbelievable to me. Does there have to be this many?
Finally, he came to smaller doorway near the back of the hall.
A word is missing.
Inscribed upon the arch was a message:
Here lies what only the goddess may reveal.
Have you discovered Writing ML yet? In Site Navigation under Site Tools. I think italics would show this as a inscription clearer. {i}here lies what{/i} here lies what
Soon, an eerie black light began to radiate from beneath the skin of his fingers.
The eerie light reflected upon
an eerie black light faintly began to glow from it
I suggest using the word only once to avoid losing the power of it. It's a good word - keep it strong. A couple of substitutes would be --
uncanny, unearthly, weird.--though I advice against --weird--. I believe it's too modern for this story.
Upon that small pedestal, there laid a simple, black leather bound book.
It was madness that threatened to consume him as he brushed his hand across the leather cover.
Avoiding too many repeats will avoid a piece becoming wordy. In this line, the first bolded could be cut easily since the second shows the leather binding.
The blackness gripped him, and as it did he grasped tightly the edges of the book and in a lustful fury flung open its pages----
With a shaking hand he drew the sack from his belt and held the throbbing vessel before him,
Good examples of 'showing' his emotion. Body language is perfect.
and a black voice boomed inside his head and shook his being like a mighty earthquake.
I suggest you do a 'Word Find' to avoid using any word too often. This one (and) is used numerous times and causes the lines to slow which reduces the tension that the words invoke. An example on how they can be cut without losing clarity: ---...boomed inside his head --that-- shook his being like a...
lust
lustful
madness
Repeated often enough to become noticeable. Try to find substitutes.
and the once bright steel turned as the black as midnight and it was that blackness that twinkled in his eyes.
The first bolded word is extra, to be removed.
--twinkled--gives a cheerful, happy tone that he doesn't have. I suggest something more fitting his evilness. Maybe just --shone--would work?
The black energies began to infest within him and feed his madness.
At last, his human soul was gone. A lustful desire drove him now,
How was this accomplished? A few details describing it would make a strong scene.
“My resurrection, has begun.”
This was a good, exciting scene. Well done.
Chapter One:
through the flame that lit the solitude of his dank barracks quarters.====
==
A small flame leaped from the solitary candle. It danced in the night, illuminating the darkness, a black, joyless shade that enveloped the drafty stone walls of the barracks.
These lines are redundant. Repeating info will cause a piece to become wordy and boring.
and a small golden ring hung from both ears. He wore no beared, choosing instead to remain clean shaven as a sign of a
--beard--
Since I had to copy this line for 'beard' anyway, I want to mention the bolded word --both-- would sound smoother if it was changed to --each--ear. It's not a major thing.
The two men locked there gloved hands together at the chest and tilted slightly toward the
--their--
Matthew’s pipe hung from his mouth as he stretched his arms into the air, giving a yawn.
This really isn't possible as I visulize it. I think having him hold the pipe with teeth would show clerer.
And that was true. Since the night Matthew had saved him in the woods, Becken had not said a word regarding the terrors they had faced
When I read this I thought the names were written wrong. It would avoid a readers distraction to include Becken's name when the incident is first mentioned. Not much is needed, just include it.
He had seemingly grown up normally, as if the ordeal had never occured. Matthew wondered
This is passive writing and will affect the read if used too often. I suggest being concise and confident so the readers will know if this is true or not. Perhaps he 'showed no signs of being affected by the ordeal'. He could definitely grow up normally in the phsical sense.
Matthew wondered what Becken hid from him and why he would not discuss.
A word is missing at the end to complete the line.
So Beck, did you finally decide to compete in the tournament tomorrow following the ceremony.” Becken’s agitation from the moment before left him and a grin crossed his face.
“Now Matty, why on earth do you think I ‘de do a thing like that.
These are both questions and need the question mark.
--I'm not sure if the --'de--is a manner of speech or if it means --I'd--
name from the stands and throw flowers and handkerchiefs down to my feat,
--feet--
The other two men rolled there eyes as Becken continued on.
--their--
“Well Beck, don’t get to caught up on yourself,” Mortimer chimed in.
“Ha! That I did, and I stand by it to.
This happens a few times. --too-- (also)--
clouds. He’ll bust you up real good if your too busy waving at wenches.”
Grammar issue. --you're-- (you are)
“My dear captain,” he said. “I’ll have you know I quite fancy a miss Leneia Sommerton, and I
as part of her name, it requires a capital too. --Miss--
Becken glared at them with disapproval and sucked on his pipe in silence.
A very well shown scene! I could see and feel Becken's aggravation clearly.
from his mouth, placing it on the table. His eyes darkened.
The mood of the room had suddenly grown humorless.
Good work! 'darkened eyes' changed the mood well.
Mortimer leaned over the table towards the other two men, his became airy and merely a whisper.
A word is missing.
“I do not know what is happening, but these new commanders are not to be trusted, and the
The tension is becoming strong, but these formal words almost stopped it. I suggest you try --don't--to keep the tension moving. I think you're trying to show the seriousness of what he's about to say, but it doesn't work like this. (for me).
Matthew skin went cold, fear shown in his eyes betraying him.
--Matthew's--skin. --possesive.
Becken shared that fear as well, for he to had been there that night in the woods, among the shadow walkers.
The room went still, rank with fear. Matthew filled with terror as the memory of that night resurfaced in his mind.
--repetition. I believe there are three --fear--pretty close together.
He could feel the mans blade as it pierced his flesh
--man's--because the blade 'belonged' to the man. Possesive.
Becken spoke out. “Do you believe that those men have something to do with this plot?”
Nothing was mentioned of a 'plot'. It needs to be discussed before this line.
The captain turned to him. “This is all to true my friend,
--too--
I suggest you study the difference of --to and too--to avoid these errors.
--too--means --also, more, very, --once you understand the meaning, this issue won't happen any more. 
He smelled the aroma of the fern leaf, trying to clear his mind, to reveal the secret that lie beneath it all.
--lay--
pain consumed him, threatening to over take him
This is one word. --overtake--
Suddenly he was torn from the nightmare by a strong outside force, and he thrown to the stone floor,
This is an extra word to be cut.
The stool fell to the ground, clambering upon the stone.
He kicked off his boots and stripped off his tunic,
I've never seen a pair of boots that can be 'kicked' off, unless they're too big. I suggest --pulled-- for a better image.
“Thank you Mort, your very kind.” The two men managed a smile.
“Well, off to sleep than lad. We’ll see you in the morning.”
--you're-- --then--
Suddenly the large wooden doors
through the great wooden doors
He was flanked by the royal guard. With dozens to each side, he walked between the flanks, his head held high as he
--He walked between the --rows--?
They carried their heads low towards the floor, their hands held inside the opposite sleeves.
I wonder about the visual of this. --heads down--would say the same thing, wouldn't it?
“Devoted servant, do you swear to protect the king that she has chosen to rule her people in the land of Leodoria, as long as he serves her in earnest.”
“I swear to protect the king, as long as he honors Her name.”
“Devoted servant, do you swear to protect the warriors of faith with your life, to draw your sword against those who would bring harm to them, and thus dishonor our goddess.”
Separate each paragraph and each speaker with a space. It's needed to make the piece more reader friendly, and it's the way to format for online reading. Large hunks of text are hard to read.
Reading your work aloud from printed copy will allow you to find issues and errors that you won't see by reading on the monitor. Simply the change triggers your brain to 'see' things differently.
The story is good. It's interesting and tense. The characters are coming along and becoming real. I have no suggestions there, it's good. Mystery is being raised as the plot is laid out. I wonder about the King's loyalty.
It's a good beginning.
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