Hello, Sir M. Gathers
I found your request for serious feedback on "Please Review" 
This is a good start, it really is! It's interesting and holds many surprises to keep the reader reading.
My feedback is offered from a readers perspective, from things I liked and from observing where the story slowed almost to a stop.
Melbus slumped against a great oak tree and closed his eyes.
he had to rest.
----Sensing that he was running out of time, he tore away again,
This scene would make a good opening, immediately giving the readers an image to watch. Throwing them right into it is a sharp hook.slumped shows his exhaustion clearly. A good word choice.
Sensing that he was running out of time, he tore away again,
The opening holds a pretty good tension, but there are so many words separating the first hint of danger to when he begins running again here, the reader forgets about his problem. I believe he allows his mind to wander to far from the danger that should be foremost in his mind. If this opening was tightened down to the single act of trying to escape, it would hold the readers attention in a tighter grip. The info he gives through his thoughts could be given later at a more realistic, time. If it's needed at all. Don't pull the reader from the action and the fear until it is finished.
Darkness crept into the forest.
he was unable to see anything in the growing dark
Only the second reference to darkness is needed, and it is the best line.
Stumbling into a clearing...
Taking advantage of his moment of peace, he knelt.
He hasn't been running long and the thing chasing him is getting closer. Why would he stop in a clearing where he would be seen so easily?
I know nothing of him yet, he may not be a man wise in these things, but hiding behind a tree would give him a semblance of self-protecting common sense, whether he is able to fight or not. I think he's a messager of some kind, so probably unimportant.
When he had stood and wiped his robe clean,
I was surprised again by him taking the time to wipe the dirt away. He is definitely developing a certain personality. He is not an outdoorsman, I know that. He's beginning to come alive for me.
The light revealed an old man, seemingly
older than any man Melbus had ever seen.
he seemed to only be a few feet tall.
--seemingly--is a word to be avoided. The readers won't know if he's an old man or maybe only pretending to be. I suggest cutting the word and showing him as definitely --older than any melbus has ever seen.--
All around him tree limbs seemed to morph into spindly arms
using --seem-- here works because the limbs are not really arms.
“Melbusssss,” a voice whispered behind him.
“S-s-s-show y’ self,” he stammered.
Very good lines! I can hear them and I can feel Melbus's fear through his speech.
flame suspended about an old, gnarled hand
The light revealed
his trousers were...held up with a piece of twine
This paragraph is full of good, clear description, there's no problem with any of it. The problem as I see it is, would a single flame reveal so much? Especially to a 'fightened out of his mine' man? A man that now faces a second unknown terror, with the first still on the chase?
This is a lot to ask a reader to believe without question.
Again, there is so much information between the first whisper and the final notice of the old man's eyes, the reader loses all sense of tension. All the reader can do is stand by and watch them, and worry that the chaser will catch up.
Can some of this be removed in order to keep each scene tight with tension? It's rambling. Describing the demon's clothing and bare feet did not help me see him. His face, voice and eyes did though, wonderfully.
But above all things, Melbus noticed the gleam in the old man’s eyes
I questioned whether it was only the flame reflection.
“No,” Melbus said softly.
Ah, my impression of him has risen to admiration. Good. Now I will wait and see if he is good or bad. It could go either way. I believe he is a thief and a murderer, but not evil.
Darus unleashed a howl that made Melbus shudder
Now I know the chase has come to an end. Good twist!
As he did, his back straightened fully.
Why did this happen at this time? Why was he old and bent if he could do this? I didn't see any reason for him to straighten. A few detail of explanation would help. Or he wouldn't have to do this at all would he? He could just turn into the beast and be straight and tall immediately. (Just thinking out loud.)
you,” Melbus said to his own surprize.
Spelling is --surprise--
Darus seemed to freeze from the inside out. He then shattered into tiny pieces that faded into the ground.
This is a great vision! It's clear and easy to see.
“Sire, Darus is dead.”
The fat fool actually did something useful for once in his life.”
Dekarrd smirked to himself as he imagined the pudgy stump of a man fighting off a demon. It was a ridiculous image.
Some good hooks here. They make me wonder how they know what happened. I also wonder why they aren't a little surprised that short, fat Melbus could accomplish this great, fantastic feat. Aren't they just a little curious? I know they're evil and don't care who killed Darus, but the readers might appreciate a little relunctant admiration for Melbus from these great men.
Depending on the reaction this piece gets, I may continue this story. Feedback is greatly appreciated. Thank you!
I hope you're writing this for your own pleasure, and intend to consider using some of your feedback. I almost closed it out without finishing the job when I saw this. I hate to think of it being deleted if it isn't perfect.
I enjoyed the read and hope you continue, whether my feedback is helpful or not. It's a better than average unfinished draft.
Good start!
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