Hi, JJ. Per your request, I am reviewing your piece, "Mentalist" [13+]. Sorry for the delay! I got busy at work.
I have some specific comments and suggestions for you. You are the writer and get the final say on how your piece is written. I'm just a reader with a few opinions, which you might be interested in.
"Demons rose from the ground and began to conquer the cities..."
Don't begin. Just do.
"Although Lord Goliath was named as king of this new world, Tiberius was the most dangerous of them all." Great hook! You have sucked me right in!
"Although the demons came up, during this time, people mysteriously began receiving psychic abilities." Again with the beginning! Just do. Also, I didn't like the word "receiving" - it's too passive. Exhibiting, maybe? Demonstrating? Something active that still says the same thing.
"The best were recruited to become Guardians who were..." Comma after Guardians
"Baelith was the capital of the world. Thousands of humans are held captive with in its walls and the rest aren’t much better off." Watch your tense. You went from "was" to "are" and "aren't"
Okay, at this point, I'm feeling like I'm reading a history book. Although the story itself intrigues me, and I wonder what hero or heroes will come out of this academy, I would rather see a story begin with action instead of background. Maybe you can dive right into the action, with Tiberius looking for a kill, and sneak in the background information about who he is, how he came to be, where they are, and what the academy is later? That would also help address my next comment, which is:
"Tiberius was walking around searching for a kill." Make this active by saying: "Tiberius walked around searching for a kill." Or, "Tiberius searched for a kill." Jump right into the action.
"Normally, he saw hundreds of people running for there lives," Should be "their"
And, also regarding this sentence, it's an example of general wordiness throughout:
"Normally, he saw hundreds of people running for there lives, or guardians to fight, but today there were no people to terrorize, or guardians to put his skills to the test."
Twice, you've told me that there are no people or guardians. The first time, you implied it when you said, "Normally, he saw..." Then you said it again here: "but today there were no..." If you clean up your sentences and get to the point, the reader is not bogged down by your words, and is sucked instead into the STORY. An example:
"Normally, he saw hundreds of people running for their lives, or guardians to fight, but not today."
This cuts your sentence almost in half without sacrificing content in the least.
In a related comment, watch your word repetition in close proximity. It's distracting. Examples:
"stood in the dark alleys in Eastern Baelith... Tired of roaming, he stopped in a dark alley..." (dark alley)
"Tired of roaming...
He was sick and tired..."
(tired)
"pondered the woman."
? I thought you just said she was "a young blond-haired girl"
"You guardians are an arrogant lot"
Earlier, you capitalized "Guardians"
"And I have come to atone your sins"
I even looked this up at dictionary.com to be sure I wasn't missing a meaning, but your use of "atone" feels wrong. Normally, the sinner atones his own sins, because to atone means to make amends. You might be able to argue your side on this one, because the definition doesn't clearly exclude your use.
"The pain began to rise as his skin began to boil..."
More examples of "began" - try this:
"The pain rose as his skin boiled..."
"as he cried out in pain. The pain began to rise... He could feel thousands of people’s pain... as he screamed out in pain... The cries of every person... in pain now..."
Word repetition: You said "pain" five times.
"he fell deep within his mind. He was falling deep within a pit..." Repetition.
"As he threw her to the ground, he licks the blood left on his palm and walks away." Watch your tense: "threw" / "licks" / "walks" - and by the way, ew.
Okay, hopefully you're getting the idea, because if I continue with this level of detail, my review will be longer than your piece! So now I'll just concentrate on plot and characters, and let you handle the editing of everything starting with Chapter 2.
I think I love the iPod. You've taken what appeared at first glance to be a far-fetched fantastical piece and brought it closer to home.
Watch your point of view. It's fine to switch point of view in a new chapter, but whose eyes are we seeing Chapter 2 through? You switch from a fly on the wall ("Top that!" said the boy.") to Desmond ("As he turned around, he saw a girl...") to Hazel ("Hazel was overwhelmed with so much aggression...").
Watch your use of "as":
"As he turned around..."
"...said Hazel as she stepped up..."
"As she squinted her eyes..."
Chapter 3, another example of point of view shift, right in the same sentence:
"She had beautifully long brown hair although she didn’t think it was."
"Even the academy’s Memory Menders were no help." JJ, I've said this before about your writing: You are AWESOME at creating believeable settings. You really have a knack for fantasy, because you do a good job creating fantastic worlds and characters. Overall, your characterizations are fabulous. Your storytelling is really good, too. You have an incredible imagination, and you do a good job of bringing your fantasies alive on the page. Your biggest opportunity for improvement is your writing itself, and that comes with time and experience.
"It’s probably not safe to be wandering off with a guy I just met. But it’s probably even less safe for me to be by myself. He’s a guardian and maybe I’ll understand myself better on this journey."
The first sentence, I buy. The part about understand herself better on this journey felt unrealistic. First, how did she know this would be a journey? Second, if it IS a journey, she agreed to join him way too quickly.
"They needed a precog for something and they got what they came for" How on earth did Hazel figure this out so quickly? Give us some hint that she realizes this before she shares it with Desmond.
"“Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open
Maybe we're bent and broken, broken”
Make sure you quote published lyrics and credit the source.
"for the first time in a while; Suzume let out a beautiful smile that reminded Kaduro that there is still hope. "
Point of view shift. Suzume can't see her own smile, nor know how Kaduro feels about it.
Formatting: your last chapter is centered.
Okay, I'm totally sucked in. I can't wait to see what happens next.
Thanks for sharing your work. Write on! |
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