Nice work! Your writing is very funny. You do a good job of making the reader empathize with an unlikely protagonist.
Here are some comments and suggestions, which I have listed in the order they appear in the work for ease of reference. My suggestions are based on my personal opinions, and are to be used or discarded as you, the writer, see fit. :) Enjoy:
First paragraphs (Entertaining. You delve into this character immediately, giving us the impression that he is somewhat scatterbrained. This makes us relate to him in a personal way, allowing us to empathize with an unlikely protagonist.)
"The said clerk in question" (This may be redundant: "said" and "in question" say the same thing. Another note about this sentence: it is really long! Can it be broken up into bite-sized pieces?)
"The one in the middle also carried a revolver, but he and his short companion had vastly different opinions in the appropriate frequency of its use." (You have a sarcastic wit that is fun to read!)
"If you would, I would implore you to take a moment..." (I love how you engage the reader by speaking conversationally.)
"Memories flood my mind even now. Crashing, flying glass, an Angel descending from…but never mind that for now." (You have me hooked. What happened to make the narrator resort to a life of crime and killing?)
"You may be wondering how I know all the fine details of this encounter, considering that I'm in the back of the store. Let me assure you, the truth is merely embarrassing, so I'm putting those details off as long as necessary." (This just confused me, because I hadn't gotten to the "fine details" yet. After I read on, I understood. Maybe you might consider the order that this paragraph appears in the work? It is another great example of your wit!)
“Ranch? How can possibly like Ranch? (Is there a word missing here?)
"every man in the building felt a tingle go down their spine" (I suggest: "his spine")
"Jim especially felt quite warm inside, and he found it a pleasant distraction from the fact that he had no idea what the safe combination was." (How does the narrator know this?)
"The female speaker had the kind of voice that could lead the choir of any religious establishment you could possibly name (even the Church of Our Holy Mother of Ridiculous Expectations), and could have just as easily been used to get 1.99 for the first minute and 3.99 for each additional minute" (I laughed out loud!)
"A metal rack shuddered as I feebly attempted to grasp onto it. I’m not sure exactly what I was trying to accomplish, but I have a feeling I was trying to get the robbers to dial 911." (Right in here I started to get lost. Where did the injury come from? Also, I was temporarily confused by the change from 3rd person to 1st person.)
Okay, I figured it out...it happened here:
"If you would, I would implore you to take a moment and look at that robber of medium height within your mind’s eye. Just look at him, pressing a pistol hard into the forehead of a defenseless, pathetic sales clerk, with the full intention of firing.
Could I have possibly sunk that low?
Could I have possibly had such little regard for human life?
Could I have been such a despicable character, devoid of any redeeming characteristics? I have to look back and ask myself a very important question:
Is that really me?"
(Up until now, I thought that the narrator was the leader of the robbers, and I think this is where it happened. I found this confusing. Was that intentional?)
"if her could only figure out somewhere to run to" (Typo: "he")
"my own person Jezebel whispered," ("personal"?)
"I felt like a single drop of rain being enveloped by an ocean." (Nice description!)
"What can I say? Chicks love the jacket." (Great closing line.)
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" . |
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