Look what I found in the litter box this morning!
What a marvelous children’s story! You have combined moral behavior and cultural education with action and an adorable, likeable little girl that children will relate to. Parents and children alike with enjoy the story. The pictures are amazing. I am in awe of your artistic talent.
My biggest constructive suggestion is to reduce wordiness. Sometimes too many descriptors or restating the same concept in several different ways to make a point can pull a reader out of the story rather than help explain better.
I have listed specific comments and suggestions below. My suggestions are my opinion only, and you are welcome to use or discard them as you see fit. You will not hurt my feelings if you disagree with me!
CHAPTER 1
Picture: Excellent! I love how Xiao Ling is peeking around the doorjamb. Her sadness and uncertainty is evident in her posture. The colors are beautiful and the lines create an accurate picture. You have done a wonderful job with the cultural features.
Story:
“daughter of a farmer family” (farmer, farm family, or farming family)
“eventhough” (even though)
“poor - to the point that a decent meal was a luxury for them-” (this felt a little bulky; maybe just, “a decent meal was a luxury” or something less wordy)
“Xiao Ling never complained and had actually thought that she had everything she needed.” (bulky; at a minimum, maybe make “actually thought that she had everything she needed” more concise; I might even consider whether both “never complained” and “actually thought” phrases are necessary to make your point about her character)
“But one day, Xiao Ling father fell terribly ill. Little Xiao Ling and her mother was very, very sad. The girl really did want to find some medicines to cure her father, but they were only farmers - they couldn't possibly afford them!” (you are sucking me into the story)
CHAPTER 2
Picture: The detail on the dragon is incredible. I wonder about the lack of color. I like the picture as it is, but would have preferred for the pictures throughout to be consistent. That’s just an opinion! I imagine others might like the variety.
Story: Some more bulkiness here. If I might make a suggestion, try reading your story aloud. A children's story is likely to be read that way anyway. Does it flow smoothly? To me, some of your sentences are a little long. Also be careful of overusing descriptive punctuation such as exclamation points and ellipses. Use too many and they lose their power. In particular, I wondered why you used the ellipses at all. Why not just: "Its scales were also the most beautiful silvery-gold the man had ever seen. Ah, but the weren't only beautiful...(etc)." I wondered why the capitalization of The Old Man as if it were a title.
CHAPTER 3
Picture: Again, excellent job with the details! I was confused a little about the content, though. You have done a good job making Xiao Ling look like she is thinking. However, Xiao Ling and the dragon look like they are together. Is there a way to separate the dragon, make it look different somehow, so that it is more clear that the dragon is in her head? I am no expert on graphic arts and cannot make good suggestions. I am thinking of a thought bubble, or maybe she is in color and the dragon is not? Honestly, not my expertise; all I can say is that it does not currently appear that Xiao Ling is "real" and the dragon is in her head.
Story: I wondered why Xiao Lang had to scan the area to find the "supposed mountains" from her home. She should know that landscape very well, if she lives there. Why not just skip that sentence and have her take a deep breath and begin her journey immediately?
CHAPTER 4
Picture: Good job creating distance.
Story: It felt like a rough transition from "felt a little fear" to "tried her best to calm herself down" to "shouted at the top of her lungs." If she was really that nervous, she would have a hard time shouting that loudly, because nervousness creates shortness of breath. Maybe she builds her resolve with thoughts of her sick father? I felt like "tried her best to calm herself down" was a little weak. I would even go so far as to call it "telling," where "showing" would better make the point. Please tell me if you don't understand what I mean by this. If you could "show" Xiao Ling calming herself down, I might be more inclined to believe she was calm enough to shout at the top of her lungs.
CHAPTER 5
Picture: Ooh… I love this one. The scale looks magical. Your shading on the scale itself is just beautiful.
Story:
"How peculiar, the dragon had thought..." (You had a slight point-of-view shift here. The story is told from the perspective of Xiao Ling, and she has no way of knowing what thoughts went through the dragon's head.)
"he asked telepathically" (Perhaps you could describe how Xiao Ling heard the dragon speaking to her. Can you describe the dragon's voice inside her head?)
"Then the little girl starting telling..." (You could remove the word "started" and simply say, "Then the little girl told..." This is an example of unnecessary wordiness.)
CHAPTER 6
Picture: Xiao Ling’s facial expression is perfect. The setting is simple, yet clear.
Story: A nice plot twist, here.
down and hit his head?" Xiao Ling wondered to herself.
CHAPTER 7
Picture: I am confused about Xiao Ling’s face.
Story: Again, watch your use of exclamation points and ellipses.
"saving the old man's life was of more importance." (I struggled with this statement. More important that saving her father? I think the word "importance" may have been a bad choice. If I understand Xiao Ling's character well enough, then I think she feels compelled to help the old man because the need is more *immediate*. Is there a way to express that?)
"she fed the scale to the old man." (How? He is unconscious.)
CHAPTER 8
Picture: Facial expression and tears are great! I also like the shadowing on the wall, floor, and her mother’s arm.
Story:
"sun had already shone" (? Do you mean the sun had set?)
"finally sighed in relief" (would Xiao Ling have heard this from a distance?)
"her mother spotted this" (point-of-view slip)
"you're such a thoughtful daughter" (I love how Xiao Ling's mother praises her for her good intentions, even though things did not work out quite how Xiao Ling had hoped. This story has such a solid morality message in it - determination, kindness to others, personal sacrifice for others.)
CHAPTER 9
Picture: The details in both the old man and the dragon are fabulous! But like the thoughts of Xiao Ling on page 2, I would like to see more clearly that the dragon and the old man do not exist at the same time. Is there a way to portray one dissolving into the other? If not, maybe a split picture (one of the dragon, one of the old man) with the same background behind them?
Story: Another nice plot twist. One punctuation comment: I would not use two question marks. Your words should emphasize the emotions of your story, not your punctuation.
CHAPTER 10
Picture: Beautiful. The shading is lovely. I love the script on the word “End”.
Story: A wonderful ending to a beautiful tale! Watch your use of ellipses. Remember that an ellipsis represents missing words.)
"touched by your kindness towards someone you barely know" (necessary? could you end the sentence after "kindness."?
"The dragon's pearl nonetheless!" (maybe this is my ignorance about dragons, but do dragons have one and only one pearl?)
"Her father was cured" (how?)
"became rich and famous" (famous? Why is that significant? In my opinion, that cheapens the lovely morality lesson of the story a bit. In the beginning of the story you have described Xiao Ling as humble. I would have liked to see the pearl give her family enough to be comfortable, and perhaps help extended family, friends, neighbors, etc. if there is excess wealth to be had from the pearl.)
Thank you so much for the story! You have such a gift of illustration. You should sincerely pursue that.
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