As I traveled the site looking for poetry to illustrate poetic devices, I found yours. This poems illustrates oxymoron so well I would like to use it in my next Poetry Newsletter.
The only think I would like to see changed is for you to use needed punctuation so that the thoughts don't run together, muddling the meaning of your words. Yes, I realize that many people don't think punctuation is needed in poetry, and if the poet isn't trying to communicate with the reader, that's true.
Ah, I'm not sure why you rated this 18+. This poem is touching without any crudity or adult language.
The imagery in this poem is so concise and precise. Each word seems selected exactly for its place and usage, bringing together a striking portrait.
I know many people don't use punctuation in poetry for whatever reason. However, I like needed punctuation to help the reader better understand what the poet means. Your meaning isn't too hard to uncover, not nearly as difficult as some.
The last two lines are the most poignant: If we do not meet again in this life . . .
Let me feel the lack.
Hi, hope you're enjoying being a part of W.Com. I'm enjoying your poetry.
Oh, I really like this poem. It's so enjoyably slightly scarey from a young child's point of view.
Would you allow us to consider it for the eZine The World Around Us? The eZine isn't a part of W.Com, but the staff are members here. If you allow us to consider this poem, it would go through copyeditors, and you might have to make a few minor revisions (for example, I see a few punctuation problems). Please let me know.
This was so funny. I really enjoyed reading it. I haven't laughed so much in some time.
There are a few places where the puctuation is off. Even when writing in dialect, you need the punctuation to been correct. One example is when writing that something or someone's name is whatever, you don't separate the name by commas.
Bill, you have such good ideas and concepts for stories. I always enjoy reading what you write.
This story is one with a real Christmas message, a season of love and forgiveness.
I would like to see you stretch in your writing. For example, the vague "it," which doesn't refer to any specific previous noun or indefinent pronoun (such as everyone, much, many, etc.), weakens a story.
Next step in stretching, use parallelism. For example in the following, Angie covered him up again, bending down to kiss his forehead then crawling in bed next to him to cuddle, you can make it parallel by rewriting it like "Angie covered him again, bent to kiss his forehead, and crawled in bed next to him to cuddle." Now you have three verbs rather than one verb and two participles (ing form of verb used as adjective).
In some areas you 'show' us what is happening, as if we are observers, but in others, you 'tell' us. Occasionally 'telling' short amounts of info is acceptable, but not long passages.
"Laid" is the past form of the verb lay (meaning to place), which takes a direct object. Roger laid the book on the table. *red*The boy laid his head on the pillow. But for the past form of the verb lie (meaning to recline), you need to use 'lay.' "She laid down beside Jesse unable to sleep" should be "She lay down beside Jesse..."
I found a few other punctuation or grammar problems.
This story is a great work. I would like to see you polish it to be what it can be.
This piece is very cute and child-like. I enjoyed reading it, and young children would enjoy hearing it.
I'm not sure what form of poetry this would be called, but I would have liked to see it more in poetry form, maybe in couplets.
This would be even better if you could have someone give it a thorough grammar/punctuation edit. Take for example the following: Lots of pretty letters, she carried everywhere. Spelling out things, that she saw here and there. Commas are not needed after 'letters' or after 'things.' Also "Spelling out things that she saw here and there" is a sentence fragment. You can repair the problems by revising to something like "Lots of pretty letters she carried everywhere, spelling out things that she saw here and there."
Thank you for sharing this adorable story with us.
Hi, I'm glad to see you here on Writing.Com. Welcome.
Your poem touches the reader with tendrils of sensory detail. The imagery is like the words, a ray of light. You use poetic devices such as metaphore alliterations, which strenghtens your writing.
You need to use { and } around center at the beginning of your first line.
You have used words to create a vivid mental picture of a cold wind that is not only a force of nature, but also one that is a force of emotion and spirit.
I would like to use this as one of my picks for the Poetry Newsletter since I'm highlighting poetry where the poet uses words as her tools for creating mental paintings.
I'm not much of a horror buff, in fact I don't care for it at all. This story, though, sounds good so far.
The suspense certainly builds.
The first paragraph has a couple of problems that almost lost my interest. You use the word conscious twice and close together, which should be avoided if possible. Secondly, I think you mean consciousness. The wording "He came up to conscious" is ackward, even if you change conscious to consciousness. Maybe he gained consciousness or he gained awareness.
An interesting poem, but since I'm not familiar with either the occasion or the form of the poem, I just have to comment on my reaction to the piece itself.
You have lovely imagery. Even not knowing about the celebration, I can imagin what is happening. That's the mark of a good writer.
The semicolon after 'ignorance' should be a comma, and commas are not needed after 'mirth' or 'love.' The comma after 'blessed' should be a smicolon or a period to avoid the run-on sentence.
This is a very good story with a good lesson included. I did some problems that can be smoothed out, improving the structure.
If you avoid using second person (you, your, etc.) except in dialogue, your writing is stronger. For example,To look at him, you wouldn’t even be able to tell he was slow. Maybe change it to something like To look at him, I couldn't even tell he was slow.
The following, Ben kept tapping her arm every time he asked a question, would be more straight forward as Ben tapped her arm every time he asked a question.
Alright should be all right.
He was dressed all in black with wearing a cowboy hat on, and a toy gun and holster hanging over the middle of his crotch. Perhaps have "...holster handing between his legs," or something like that.
There are other places with unneeded words, like 'looking right at her' doesn't need 'right.'
The lying at the end might send the wrong message to children. Could you come up with a different way? Maybe they ran through a yard with sprinklers on as they ran home?
I hope that W.Com has provided you with an outlet for your pain and agony so that the need for self injury is lessened.
Your poem is full of emotion and imagery that makes my heart cringe. I can understand the need to release pain, but I've always been able to accomplish that through my writing.
One point, I don't understand why you capitalize 'soul' in the last line. Since you use 'my' in front of it, 'soul' should not be capitalized.
Yes, I found a couple of problems, quotation marks in the wrong place, a needed comma, but they cannot distract from the over-all effect and power of this piece.
I tip my hat to you for what you can accomplish with your stereoms. Keep reading and writing and spreading your thoughtful messages.
Oh, WD, this poem is so lonely, lovely, and heartbreaking. I can see the little girl so plainly, and I can relate to her isolation.
I'm also sure that children could relate to her experience, some only too well. I would like to use this poem in TWAU if you would be willing to punctuate it. Please let me know one way or the other.
Everyone should read this piece because it shares the pain a parent feels at his child's suffering and a glimpse of a child alone. Beautifully worded.
I'm a push-over for love poems that tell the beauty of married love, long-lasting love. That concept takes maturity and time to develop and to understand.
If I were your wife, I would want this poem printed, framed, and hung on the wall.
Ah, Harry, another good read. You have such a way with words, that all your poetry, whatever the form, keeps my attention and tickles my imagination.
The wording of the first line seems a bit off. In my mind I see midnight standing somewhere while people walk by it. Perhaps rewording might help. Past midnight, 'the boys' and I are taking a walk.
Again, I enjoy your poetry.
Viv
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If we do not meet again in this life . . .
c:green} *snicker*
I'm not sure what form of poetry this would be called, but I would have liked to see it more in poetry form, maybe in couplets.