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My musings, my rambles and I welcome you. |
   LIVE WITH INTENTION.  WALK TO THE EDGE.  CHOOSE WITH NO REGRETS.. DANCE IN THE LIGHT APPRECIATE MY FAMILY & FRIENDS.  |
| I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center Kurt Vonnegut http://www.goodreads.com has a quote of the day and today’s quote prompted something in me. Mr. Vonnegut talks about standing close to the edge of life. You can see everything. There is no safety net, no rails nothing between you and disaster. Pure adrenaline is running through your veins. The center is safe view blocking in his opinion. However on the edge, the air is thin and ever vigilance is wearing. I wonder if that is why I am so tired. Looking out onto everything means you may miss something under your nose or your feet. Stumbling on pebbles because you are looking at boulders is kind of stupid. And the center, Mr. Vonnegut says you can’t see from it. There is no vision. Center living is safe, sterile because everyone else is there. At least that is what he is implying. But I don’t think that center living is without vision or safe or sterile. I think it could be warm friendly and have a shared vision depending on who is with you. I think you could hide in a crowd as well. Both extremes, edge living and center dwelling seem selfish. It’s hard to share life when you are afraid of stumbling over the edge. It’s hard to enjoy a risk if everything is centered and safe. Balance in all things. I am preaching to myself. It’s time to step away from the edge and out of the shadows. I need to find my place. In My Hands My world is safe and clean in my hands. My world is sane and makes sense in my hands. My world is calm polite and sterile in my hands. My world is lonely lifeless and dead in my hands. My world needs to be in Your Hands. Lani |
| Actually the day to celebrate was Sunday, but I was studying and writing so it slipped my mind. Noting the day has made me think about my career, the babies and co-workers. It's hard to believe I've been a NNICU nurse for 23 years. Some of my original kids are old enough to have kids. There's a mind blowing experience. I suppose this is how parents feel when they realize time and children wait for no one. I wrote this poem a few years ago. It was published in a nursing journal and then in our unit magazine. I hope you enjoy. Beautiful that’s how I see you. But they can’t see beyond the tubes and machines the noise and the fear of a place so alien. Tubes feed and breath for you as I explain the NICU universe to your parents. Beautiful that’s how I see you though your skin is transparent and your cheeks have no fat. Suddenly, you grip your Mom’s finger and open your eyes and I know they see you as beautiful too. Lani |
| A cinquain for nurses week and for international nurses day May 12. Nurse Professional, Busy, Educating, Helping, Advocating Many roles, many hands Nurses Line A: One vague or general one-word subject or topic. Line B: Two vivid adjectives that describe the topic. Line C: Three interesting “-ing” action verbs that fit the topic. Line D: Four-word phrase that captures feeling about the topic. Line E: A very specific term that explains Line A Okay, I see the rules too, but really the only way to describe nurses is more. And if any of my real life friends are reading, thanks you make work fun. Lani |
| I have been a nurse for 29 years and have seen a lot of changes. Unfortunately, the media and the public have been slow to embrace those changes. This imagined conversation is snippets of some I’ve had over the years especially with the younger nurses. “I hate this show. Why are we watching it? I’m on dinner break. I don’t want to watch medical crap.” “Because it’s interesting and because McSteamy is a hottie.” “Come on change it. There is not one intelligent nurse one that show. And I saw that look you gave me. I mean it. When was the last time an intern started an IV around here?” “Uh never.” “Or transported a patient to the front door? Draw routine lab work or even run their own labs?” “Again never.” “When was the last time a doc held a patient’s hand and talked like McSlimey is doing now?” “What’s your point?” “My point is that Hollywood always shows doctors doing our jobs. Why? Because what we do is important. It matters. Sometimes it’s down right exciting and life changing. Gray’s Anatomy,House and E.R. portray interns and residents advocating for the patient to the attendings or adminin. We’re the ones at the bedsides 12 hours a day. They see the patients five minutes a day, if that, after they read our notes. We know our patients. We do the advocating to the residents,attendings and admin.” “You’re on a rant. You better watch your blood pressure.” “I know. I know. It just bothers me that we go to nursing school (which is harder than med school in some ways) get a degree, do the work and they get the glory for doing our job on these TV shows. Hollywood is clueless.” “Okay so what do you want to watch?” “If you want to watch backstabbin’ whiny, people, how about Survivor?” This is not a rant to bash doctors. I work with some great docs who hold hands and talk with parents. Doctors and nurses have two very different, but complementary jobs. I’m just annoyed at how nurses are portrayed in the media. I will cop to watching House. I love how he screws with people and the medical mysteries. Since I don’t work with adults, most of the shows don’t apply to me or my work. I just ignore the mostly nonexistent nurses, respiratory therapists, and lab techs on the show as does most of Hollywood. Postscript This article was produced before Mercy, Nurse Jackie and HawothoRNe made their debut. Of those shows, I’ve only seen Mercy and I’ve only seen it a couple oftimes. It annoyed me that they had the stereotypical doctor/nurse romance nonsense. So after spending 12 hours with nurses and in hospitals, I came to the conclusion that I don’t want to watch ‘em. Lani |
** Image ID #1638925 Unavailable ** Advent according to the dictionary means a coming into place, view or being; arrival, an arrival or coming especially one which is awaited. Advent is also the 40 days preceding Christmas including the 4 Sundays. As you can see my dear readers, we are well past Christmas. I did receive a wonderful present; clarity. Knowledge is good but now I need the “want to” to act on it. In writing to my fellow travelers, I realized I have only completed one challenge here at WDC. It was a 30 day blog challenge in 2008. I have attempted a couple of classes in the New Horizons Academy but the “sandstorms” of overtime, husband, and my own poor time management skills torpedoed those efforts. There was a poetry journey not unlike this trip to Bethlehem that I tried. Again, the same issues plus I had another bout with depression. I cannot let the sandstorms or the camels win again. Although “they say” the joy is in the journey the whole point of a trip is to reach a destination. It may be Valentines before I get there but onward and upward to Bethlehem. 1John 2:15-16 15 Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 16 For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world Since writing the above, I’ve been reading “Made to Crave, by Lysa Terkfurst. It is a book about learning to crave God instead of food; fixing the spiritual brokenness diets cannot. She makes the point Satan uses our cravings 3 ways to lure us away from God. . Ms. Terkfurst uses 1John2:15-16 as her reference and defines her terms as: 1. Cravings: trying to get our physical desires met outside of the will of God 2. Lust of the eyes: trying to get our material desires met outside the will of God 3. Boasting: trying to get our need for significance met outside of God. Now, I do not believe Satan is under every rock or behind every tree, but I do believe in an enemy who hinders and harasses. If my walk is weak, my resolve to follow Jesus will be weak and I am easily lured away. I make my own choices. With all that being said, am I trying to gain significance on the internet outside the will of God? I told you I was beginning to deal with narcissism. Is it better to pull the plug and fail another challenge or continue? Stopping the journey feels like breaking a promise to my fellow travelers and that can’t be good. So I will continue the Advent journey privately. This way I can keep my promise, finish the challenge and not drag another camel along. If you are interested in continuing with me, send an e-mail and I will give you the passkey. ** Image ID #1831170 Unavailable ** Lani |
** Image ID #1638925 Unavailable ** "Sorry Jesus, I didn’t make it to Bethlehem for your birthday. These sand storms have been awful and this camel you sent has been useless." "There are no sand storms and I didn’t send a camel." "Well there’s no storm now but every time I get on the road one seems to surround me and what do you mean You didn’t send the camel. It’s carrying my stuff." My objections were met with silence. "Okay Lord, watch what happens when I get on the road." I grabbed the reins of the camel to try and lead him on to the road. As I walked, a small cloud of sand started to rise and swirl around me. The sand irritated the camel and he began to snort loudly and stomp his giant feet. After struggling for a few miles, I grew weary and stopped. "Lord, did You see that storm? And what am I going to do with this camel?" "There are no storms and I didn’t send the camel." *Sigh*" Okay, Lord I need a little hint. What’s going on here?" "Leave the camel and go back on to the road.". "What about my stuff?" This time my question was met with a stony silence so I slowly made my way back onto the road that led to Bethlehem. I started walking and I saw the familiar swirls start to race up my legs. "See Lord it’s starting again." "Look, Child at your feet." As I walked, dirt and dust from the road kicked up and mixed with sand forming the swirls that became the storms that surrounded me. Dumbfounded to see that I was creating my own storm, I looked closer at the sand. It was composed of work and worry, holiday concerns, family issues and finances. The cares of this world were blocking my vision and keeping me immobilized. Oh crap. “I’m sorry. I’ve been the “big sister,” again. I want to do everything myself. I haven’t been “casting my cares upon You.” Pride, I can’t seem to get around it or beyond it. I’m so sorry Lord." "Why don’t you see what is packed on that camel." "If You didn’t send it, does that mean the enemy sent it?" "Not this time." So with some trepidation, I moved toward to the camel. I looked into the first bag and it was filled with Pride. Surprised but not really shocked, I moved onto the next bag. It was filled with Vanity. A smaller bag turned out to be Narcissism. This made me uncomfortable as God and I are just starting to deal with this issue. The last bag was tiny and hidden under the others. I opened it and my heart stopped. It was filled with something so painful that I barely recognized to myself as it's truth. I felt tears welling as shame burned my heart and my eyes. And how I wished that Jesus wasn’t looking over my shoulder just now. "Child, I cannot forgive what you do not acknowledge. Look at it squarely and let it go. You do not have to drag your sins along with you. That’s why I went to the cross. You are a new creation. You are a butterfly. Dry your wings and fly." ** Image ID #1831170 Unavailable ** Lani |
** Image ID #1638925 Unavailable ** Then said Mary unto the angel, How shall this be, seeing I know not a man? And the angel answered and said unto her, The Holy Ghost shall come upon thee, and the power of the Highest shall overshadow thee: therefore also that holy thing which shall be born of thee shall be called the Son of God." Isaiah 7:14 Luke 1:34-35 In this particular translation, I am taken by the use of the word "thing. It is not in reference to an act, but of a person. So rare and unheard of in the day of the message, there was just not a useable word that would have helped Mary understand better that the word was referring to her son to be born. Pure, sinless Bud goes on to state that is the Jesus he seeks. I am not so taken with that translation. Most say “holy One,” and I think that is more appropriate. Jesus came to be with us as one of us. By calling Him “thing”, it seems wrong and demeanming, making Him less than human. Jesus pure, sinless, who is fully Man and fully God, is who I seek. Bud also asks how we think Mary took the news. I can hardly imagine. Being a teenager is a fairly new phenomenon roughly the 1950’s. But being a woman has not changed over the centuries that much. Part of Mary must’ve shattered, knowing that her dreams of a wedding, a normal life with Joseph would not be possible. Another part of her must’ve rejoiced at the thought that the long awaited Messiah was coming and she was going to play a small part in God’s plan. Now Bud asks about getting a message from God. A message that needed clarification or acceptance. Yeah, I have story. I think most Christians do especially when they are new. I cannot give you reader too many details as people involved are still around and there is no reason to open what can only hurt others. I asked God several times about something from my past. He seemed silent on the subject so I let it go. Then I causally mentioned it again in prayer months later and He gave me an answer. I was rocked to my core by what I God was telling me. I cried, I argued, I complained but in my spirit I knew the truth. So I did some research, confirmed the facts and talked to the people involved. After the emotion died down and God had guided us all to a resolution, I went back to Him and asked, “Why now? Why did you bring all of that up when everything had been fine?” “Because you asked.” That was all the answer I would get for weeks when I prayed and listened. “Because you asked.” One day I was angry and frustrated about something. I don’t know about what, just stuff. And I began talking out loud, yelling at God unafraid as only a new Christian can do. “And another thing, Lord, You keep saying ‘because you asked’. Well I’ve asked lots of time before this, so why now? Why was it so all fire important that You tear up my life right now?” Why I though the Lord of Heaven and Earth owed me an explanation, I cannot tell you. Just young and dumb I guess. As I paused for breath, I noticed a stirring in my spirit. I could “feel” God close by. I sensed a feeling of love uplifting me. “Because this time, you really wanted to know the answers.” Again, I was rocked to my core. And awed. With a Father’s love, God had given me what I needed to know as I could handle it. I have to admit like a child I was angry at that for a bit. Whether it be at Him or myself, it’s hard to say. I am praying for clarity but like St. Augustine who prayed for chastity I wonder if I am secretly adding, “not yet.” ** Image ID #1831170 Unavailable ** Lani |
"He shall be great, and shall be called the Son of the Highest; and the Lord God shall give unto Him the throne of His Father David." Isaiah 7:14; 9:6-7 Luke 1:32 ** Image ID #1638925 Unavailable ** I love this verse. It reminds me of Jesus’ Majesty. I have spent most of my adult life in Evangelical Christian churches until recently and I love them. I love the warmth and acceptance I found. I love the healing with God I found. However as I matured as a person and a Christian, I wondered at their view of Christ. He seemed to be a best buddy, Santa, martyr and dictator all in one. Jim and Tammy Faye Baker from the ‘90’s had Jesus on speed dial as their personal banker and shaman. Majesty. Kingship. Throne of David. It is good to be reminded that Jesus was before us and will be after us. It is also good to remember as Bud puts it Jesus had a bellybutton. He wanted to be here with us. He wanted to understand us so He could love us better. This thought blows me away. Why then do I push Him away? Why is it so easy to be busy with His stuff but not Him? Like Bud, I miss Jesus. I miss the close relationship I had a few years ago. I’ve asked for clarity but will I like what I see? Is that why I am dragging my feet on the way to Bethlehem? ** Image ID #1831170 Unavailable ** Lani |
** Image ID #1831170 Unavailable ** And, behold! Thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and shall call his name Jesus.'" Isaiah 7:14 Luke 1:31 Bud talks about these verses in his entry as good news/bad news situation. “Guess what Mary! You are favored by God and the Messiah is coming and guess who is going to carry him? That’s right! You, a virgin, young woman will have to explain to her parents and fiancé that she is pregnant. And what about the village? Oh yes it’s going to be a good time.” Okay that was a little sarcastic but true. Sometimes it’s better to smile to keep from crying. Bud also asks about the good news/bad news situations in our own lives. That’s very easy. My hubby and I have played this scene many times. Hubby: “Hi Honey I’ve got good news and bad news. Which do you want first?” Me: “Just tell me.” Hubby: “Pick” Me: sigh “The bad news” Hubby: “I’m going on the road for 3 months.” Me: “Again?! What’s the good news?” Hubby: “ I still have a job and with overtime and bonuses, we can pay for the new roof.” Me:"#%##$!" When dear hubby was in the military and then the reserves, this scene had more anxiety. Now with his jobs since, it’s been even more travel. I’m glad he has a job in this rocky economy. It’s just hard to go it alone. Companionship is one of the reasons I got married. Hubby and I joke of the 15yrs we’ve been married only half of them have been in the same zip code. Of course this could be God’s way of asking me lean on Him. Good news. I just wish I had seen that sooner. Lani |
} ** Image ID #1638925 Unavailable ** "And when she saw him, she was troubled at his saying, and cast in her mind what manner of salutation this should be. And the angel said unto her, 'Fear not, Mary; for thou hast found favour with God.'" Lani Luke 1:29-30 (KJV) “Troubled” doesn’t seem like the right word here. Not that I am arguing with Dr. Luke or the KJ translators but it seems mild. I checked other translations and got “greatly troubled,” by NIV, and “perplexed,” by the NASB, “confused and disturbed,” by NLT. The angel tells her not to be afraid but she’s not. She’s troubled, perplexed confused disturbed but not afraid. This tells me she is young. Maybe she doesn’t realize she should be afraid. People believed you could die just looking at the Angel of the Lord. Or maybe she does realize who she is talking to and she is still not afraid. Maybe she has a relationship with God. Even though God wasn’t speaking through His prophets, I can’t believe people didn’t seek and find Him. How far to Bethlehem? Pretty far for me because I get started and then “O look a cute cactus” and then “What a pretty rock over there,” and then before you know it, I’ve wandered away again. This time it seems like a longer and harder journey back to the right road. See ya when I get there. |
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