iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen's (satet) Reviews

iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

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2,127 Public Reviews Given

4,291 Total Reviews Given

1

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#4747310

Review of Grocery Shopping

Review by iKïyå§ama-Ho...

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hallo Eregnon

!

I will be reviewing your work "Grocery Shopping"

for House Targaryen on behalf of "Game of Thrones"

Content:

Written for a flash fiction contest, this is a story where the prompt required to be used is 'This place is haunted.'

Pluses:

Now, with a prompt like that, one can expect anything; the typical being a haunted house. However, our writer kicks things up a notch and takes us to a place we least expect for such a thing...the grocery store.

Well now, guess I'll never look at that place the same way again, especially the 'frozen section'. Brr.

In this dialogue heavy story, we are introduced to the main characters, Ophelia and Rick, who are out and about for their normal shopping duties. However, we learn that Ophelia has a gift or rather a sensitivity to the other realm; a talent her partner is not too impressed about. Ophelia is sure there is something strange about a particular section in the store, and while Rick doubts that - especially with his little quips and jokes to try to ease the tension - Ophelia insists. Rick finally concedes and dares to ask one of the employees about any weird history regarding the store. To his chagrin, we come to learn that yes! indeed something strange had taken place there and it was the actual murder of a customer. Which naturally raises a lot of questions for this particular reader.

Since this is a flash fiction story, I am not expecting a lot in the way of details. However, through the conversation alone, we get a good idea of each character's personality and their dynamic - which shows a loving but exasperating connection between the two. While Ophelia seems serious-minded and thoughtful, Rick comes across as almost juvenile with his jokes and attempts to brush aside her fears.

Overall, this was a very enjoyable short story to read. Thanks for sharing, and keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4747197

Review of The Long Payoff

Review by iKïyå§ama-Ho...

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hallo Boulden Shade (fka Jeff Meyer)

!

I will be reviewing your work "The Long Payoff"

for House Targaryen on behalf of "Game of Thrones"

Pluses:

This is a rather dark tale; one that tells of the horrifying experiences a young woman and her father have to deal with in a small town. She is nearly a victim of an incident with five men of disreputable reputation at such a tender age, and if it wasn't for her brave father stepping in to rescue her, we can only imagine what they would have done (or even if she would have survived). Unfortunately, while she was saved, her father endured a beating that almost left him for dead. However, he was thankfully healed by not just the doctors, but by the love and support of a daughter who is forever grateful. Now, she's the one who is in charge of protecting him as they continue the hunt to find those five men responsible for what is left of her father. They do not intend to rest until all five are six-feet-under.

You definitely have a way with writing up the imagery in this story. It's almost all visceral without going into too much gory detail. We are there with the father as he confronts these men, and wince in agony at all the injuries inflicted. We are the young girl recounting what those men did to her, and we are allowed to share in her resolution and need for revenge.

The characterizations are very well done. You make a clear distinction between who are bad guys and good guys are in this story. We loathe those five men and want to see them come to some form of justice, and the father-daughter combo seems like one you do not want to mess with.

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>Right. So first things first, had to change the rating of this story as they contained some words that are considered above the 13+ rating. Please refer to "Content Rating System (CRS)"

for more about the rating system on Writing.com.

>>You seem to start a lot of your sentences with conjuctions (but, and), which is fine for one or two lines, but when it becomes a pattern, it breaks the flow of the story while reading. For example:

...noise off for good. And she never lost a wink of sleep
(you could delete the 'and' and just start your sentence with 'She never lost a wink of sleep.' Still makes the point quite well)

>>Now she kept HIM safe, never letting
>>And she would NEVER stop
(it's never really a good idea to have such words capitalized in a story especially in this context. There are many ways to emphasize the character's intentions, and of course the most popular ways are either using bold or italics. Reading it like this, it almost feels like you're shouting at the reader)

Overall, this was and could be an even more powerful story if it's tightened up a bit more. It was a very interesting read. Thanks for sharing, and keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

3

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#4747189

Review of A Day Like No Other

Review by iKïyå§ama-Ho...

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hallo Happy April 2024!

!

I will be reviewing your work "A Day Like No Other"

for House Targaryen on behalf of "Game of Thrones"

Content:

Based on a most important date in American history, the writer recounts the events of the day that led up to the fateful news.

Pluses:

I can only assume that is based on a true story (even though it's not mentioned in the genre), and it's always so interesting to read about real life events and how those events impacted the writer. With this story, we travel back to November 1963 when the writer was still an 18 year-old newly married bride to a husband who was in the Air Force.

You give the reader an idea of the kind of life lived within the base; and maybe it's just because I watched 'Oppenheimer', I can already picture that 'little city' just designed for all those who work in the military. I wonder if you ever felt odd when leaving that place and returning to the real world...so to speak. Always fascinated me for some reason.

An interesting point you mention is how little the military were paid back in the day. I wonder if it's the same situation these days (but then again, they are encouraging many young people to sign up with promises of bonuses and all that). But as you mentioned, the prices of grocery were relatively cheap and affordable for those who lived in the base. I like how you also describe the way you felt after getting through the MP checkpoints where you felt like royalty each time.

The main point of the story comes in the last few sections; where the sudden announcement is heard over the speakers about the assassination of the President. The shock everyone must have felt, and this was back when such news could be considered reliable and there wasn't an influx of social media to distort information. I try to put myself in your shoes and cannot even begin to fathom how I would have reacted. Ah, maybe akin to the day we heard about 911, I guess. You mention how some of the shoppers simply left their carts and went home to their loved ones, and I'm sure the rest of the evening, and indeed, days afterwards was spent mourning the loss of someone that could have made a different in the White House.

Thanks for sharing this snippet of an important part of history with us. It was a pleasure to read. Keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4746732

Review of The Scream

Review by iKïyå§ama-Ho...

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hallo Brooklyn

!

I will be reviewing your work "The Scream"

for House Targaryen on behalf of "Game of Thrones"

Content:

Written as part of a campfire entry; the challenge was to continue a story where the campers were to tell each other stories; none was expecting this particular kind of tale.

Pluses:

Well, that was one heck of a performance by the narrator, and I was fully expecting her to go 'boo! gotcha! at some point. However, that ending was even worse! You made them too nice to just up and leave the place without having a few words with the landlord for being so quick to rent out a place with such a terrible history, and so recently too! Brrr!

With all that said, you did a fantastic job building up the tension with this story. From the moment the narrator is introduced to the way she was able to get the campers' attention with her antics, expression, and body language is exactly how readers are expected to feel while reading this.

You also did a great job with the imagery; allowing us to be at that campfire and in that room with the narrator as she confronted her ghost. Even the lady she meets outside - now I thought she was a ghost as well - see what you've done? Everyone is not real anymore!

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>again heard her scream... Her long dark hair
(in this section, seemed like the woman was pausing and continuing her speech or was that supposed to be a period after 'scream' since 'Her' is capitalized)

Aside from that little nitpick, this was a wonderful short story. Thanks so very much for sharing and keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

5

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#4745705

Review of Deserted island

Review by iKïyå§ama-Ho...

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hallo Maryann - House Martell

!

I will be reviewing your work "Deserted island"

for House Targaryen on behalf of "Game of Thrones"

Content:

Two couples find themselves on a paradise - an isolated island in the middle of nowhere - with all the comfort they could need for the perfect getaway holiday. Unfortunately, certain troubling news causes them to rethink their current predicament and fear for their lives.

Pluses:

Maybe it's just because I've been burned one too many times, but from the beginning of this story, there was an underlying sense of foreboding. These people were just too happy about things, and something at the back of my mind was wondering when the all hell would break loose. Well, I was definitely not disappointed with the ending.

One of the main things to take away from this story is the conversations had between the characters. We have two sets of couples and Ken, the guide, who is Lara's brother, responsible for bringing the couple to the island. Through their dialogue, we can get an idea of each character's personality and what makes them stand out. Ken comes across as diligent and particular about things; making sure that all the boxes are checked before leaving the couple to their devices on the island.

You don't spend a lot of time with description of the settings, but when you do, we are able to see the beach in all its beauty. We experience the same warmth as they dive into the waters or sink their toes into the sand. The campsite looks cozy and welcoming, and one can simply find no fault with the way things are panning out.

Unfortunately, we can't have nice things around here, can we? And that comes when the radio is found and turned on so they can also listen to music. Sadly, instead of dancing away, they are interrupted with breaking news about countries trying to bomb each other out of the sky. Naturally, the entire situation sends the couples into a panic and they become concerned about the current set of the world. What if Ken never returned? That ought to be their main concern. However, since they are well supplied, on the island, they decide to just sit and wait for some form of rescue to arrive.

The tension built up with the news announcement was very well done, and had me shaking my head because...guess what? Isn't that exactly what's happening right now in the world? Such a sad state of affairs indeed.

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>On the last trip they brought and set up shed kits, knowing that they will be coming back a lot.
(though this reads ok, I think it could be made a little shorter. Consider: On the last trip, they brought and set up shed kits for return visits.)

>>they have a smaller shed for storage, and another for a bathroom.
(no need for the comma there)

>>“Ready.” Amy concurred
>>“This feels terrific.” Amy began
(change the period to a comma)

>>Yes (,) ladies and gentlemen.

Overall, a lovely story that was a pleasure to read. Thanks so very much for sharing this, and keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4745694

Review of A Normal Guy

Review by iKïyå§ama-Ho...

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)

Hallo Jay's debut novel is out now!

!

I will be reviewing your work "A Normal Guy"

for House Targaryen on behalf of "Game of Thrones"

Content:

His name is Neil and he's the resident troublemaker...or is he? This story explores how one young man's antics affect the lives of those who care about him and a community that seems to disapprove.

Pluses:

Reading your notes at the end of this story, it says you wrote this while you were in high school and it's the first story you ever posted on Writing.com? Nice! In addition, you performed the first half of the story at the Writing.com convention back in '05. Wow. You've definitely come a long way since then, and I must say your talent really shines with this one. You mention wanting to make more stories that evolve around Neil, and I say why not?

Talk about a man with so much energy to spare! I love his character and through the eyes of Kate - our narrator - we get to go on a whirlwind of an adventure with a young man who refuses, Kate's words 'to think inside the box' - in fact this section:

Neil is not the kind of guy who has bats in his belfry; the bats packed up and moved out within a week. A thorough examination of Neil's philosophy on life demonstrates his total inability to think inside the box.

The rest of the paragraph actually had me laughing out loud as the apt description of this young man is fitting following the conversation he had with Katy first thing on a Sunday morning.

I thoroughly enjoyed the dialogue in this story. It helps to highlight each character's personality. Kate - the straight character - who has to do her best to keep up with Neil and his shenanigans. Neil, of course, who is the life of the party. Then we've got poor ol' Neil's grandpa who might end up with more than a broken ankle if he continues to try to keep up with Neil and his antics. Even the police officer who stops them is a whole character himself. He comes across as the typical rough and tough man of the law, but might have a heart of gold beneath that (I mean he did return the ukulele, so...)

Since this story tends to concentrate more on the dialogue, the brief moments where you describe the scene is very well done. From the way Neil is dressed when Kate first arrives at his place, to the chaos that is within the house and all that ensues, puts the reader in that very same place. We are able to see everything as it's happening which is a testament to your writing skills.

Unfortunately, all good things have to come to an end...or should it? The last section of the story shows us a more subdued Neil, who probably after countless scoldings from the older folks about his behaviour, has decided that it's best to be 'good' and 'normal'. However, for Kate, it makes Neil...well, boring. Though she might not approve of everything he does, if he chose to become just like everyone else, there was no joy in that. I especially like the way the story ends with both of them agreeing that the concept of 'growing up' is way overrated.

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>This is really a non-issue as I was able to read the story just fine, but for others, it might be a problem as the formatting of this is a little 'off'. Maybe it's a stylistic choice (after all, we are deaing with a character that's 'out there') but it might be a bit more presentable in its layout.

Overall, this was a fantastic story, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Thanks so very much for sharing this, and keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

7

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#4745683

Review of A Secret Worth Keeping

Review by iKïyå§ama-Ho...

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)

Hallo 🌷 Carol St.Ann 🌷

!

I will be reviewing your work "A Secret Worth Keeping"

for House Targaryen on behalf of "Game of Thrones"

Content:

This is a short coming-of-age story about siblings, Tommy and Ruby, who - along with a childhood friend - come to share a secret that would change their relationship forever.

Pluses:

From the start of this story, you do a good job establishing the kind of relationship between the two siblings. There's the banter you'd expect from big brother teasing little sister, who resents being called 'Little Sister' by the way. What stands out to me is, of course, the dialect. I love that you stayed through to the way they would sound especially considering their location. I lived in Georgia, while in the States, so I could definitely relate to their drawl and Southern twang just fine. And because you don't really spend a lot of time with descriptions of the settings or their physical attributes, you get around that by injecting that into their conversation. Tommy sees himself as sexy, Ruby does not think so.

Another thing to stand out to me is the use of imagery and the way you choose to describe somethings. For instance, this section:

Momma waggled her finger at him and stepped backward into the house, the screen door creaking like a broken-hearted bullfrog.

It clearly allows the reader to 'hear' that door closing. You also make use of other senses; the unbearable heat, the smell of sweat and dirt from their hard day's work, the scents from the kitchen as they prepare for dinner; all with your choice of words.

One of the crucial elements of this story is the family dynamics. At the beginning of the story, we get a cryptic idea of why Tommy and Ruby want to leave the town, and it's further explained as we get to know of their relationship with their father. It might not be blatantly stated, but again, through dialogue we get to know that he is abusive to his children and just about everyone in the town knows it. Father is definitely not painted in a good light, and his attitude at the dinner table showcases that. His insensitive comments to the passing of a good friend (unbeknownst to him of course) is taken in stride despite the simmering resentment it breeds in his children.

And then there's the introduction of the main plot for this story; the awakening of two teenage boys realizing they had feelings for one another. Liam - the third person in all of this - had apparently been 'dating' Ruby, but that was just for show for his true feelings were reserved for Tommy. Kudos to you for not going the typical route of having Ruby be jealous and resentful of that. Instead, she supports both boys throughout the years and covers up for their relationship as best she can. Which is why his sudden death is a tragic one for their plans to leave the town. Liam had been an important aspect of the plan.
P.S: I liked the flashback scene that gives us an insight into how their relationship started in the first place. Setting it apart in italics was a nice touch.

Fast-forward to three years later, and the siblings return home to an older mother and a father that's no longer there. However, they have not just come to visit mother for the sake of it, Tommy has to be brave enough to finally reveal the truth of who and what he really is to his mother. Ruby can only give him the silent encouragement he needs to get that done. I thought that was quite a 'quiet' way of doing it, for it is a moment that needs to be private between mother and son. Although something tells me that Mom might be more accepting than we give her credit for.

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>Still, I wish you cold (could) stay longer.

So, aside from that one little nitpick, this was a wonderful and well-written story that I thoroughly enjoyed. Thanks so very much for sharing, and keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4745549

Review of Universe According To The Oldest Sister

Review by iKïyå§ama-Ho...

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hallo Fivesixer

!

I will be reviewing your work "Universe According To The Oldest Sister"

for House Targaryen on behalf of "Game of Thrones"

Pluses:

I'm curious. Is the first line that's in bold a line to a song, because it sounds awful familiar. If not, it leads into the beginning of a touching poem/prose about two sisters; where one seems to be having signs of dementia as she gets older and the other does her best to adjust to the changes - which is never easy.

This hit a little close to home because I work with dementia patients and have seen both sides of the coin; the patient who one minute is sound of mind and can have lengthy discussions with you, and in the next minute, can turn around and wonder who the heck you are. It's not easy for the family/carers either, for they have to try to keep up with these personality shifts as best as possible. They have to watch the person they once knew almost become a complete stranger. Sometimes it's even tough to find the love for them especially if they get to a stage where they are treated like the 'enemy'.

For your poem, you've managed to capture that feeling of helplessness yet wonder all at the same time. For the younger sister, her sister's drawings are a gift and a treasure; all her random musings are magical paths that only big sis can understand, and even if it doesn't make any sense, she still keeps them in a place of prominence in their home. She still remembers how brilliant her older sister used to be, and perhaps this new version of her is still a form of brilliance, just the kind that will take some getting used to.

Thanks for creating this poem to show the bond and love these sisters have for each other. I should think that those who might be experiencing such things at home, right now, would read this and feel a sense of strength and inspiration to keep going and to never give up. There should still be the belief that the person they love is still trapped within that deteriorating mind.

Keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

9

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#4745503

Review of Road Less Traveled

Review by iKïyå§ama-Ho...

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hallo Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk

!

I will be reviewing your work "Road Less Traveled"

for House Targaryen on behalf of "Game of Thrones"

Pluses:

Ah, I remember this one. Back in the day (at the beginning of the month which was centuries ago), this was a prompt for one of those many gazillion challenges for GoT. Can't even remember what I wrote for this one, but the music video and the lyrics to this seem to talk about trying not to rely on short cuts to get what you want or to believe in yourself and not take too much stock in what others may think of you. Now, how do any of these relate to your story?

We can all have our different interpretations of how a song inspires you, and in your case, this - where most stories I've read seems to be of the motivational kind - yours goes in the way opposite direction. S-e-x! Hah! Somehow it all boils down to that, doesn't it? In this case, our main character pulls up to work with a damaged vehicle - a result of an argument gone wrong with the ex. Typical, yes? Although it appears she damaged it just enough that it was still drivable. Impressive.

Via a conversation with his co-worker, we learn about the real reason behind the remodelling project. It seems our main character got too greedy and wanted to pull a Seinfeld (aka Jerry and Elaine) after a breakup. Unfortunately, ex was too irate at the time and did not entertain the idea at all. Through the main character, you try to rationalize the decision as he launches into a monologue about the appeal of the road less travelled. Just when he seems to have arrived at a definite thought on the whole concept, he gets a message from the ex who has re-considered the proposition and is now into it. Ah, the wonders of a good night sleep, some coffee, and finally allowing the brain to digest prior events before we made our rash decisions.

Dialogue heavy, I enjoyed the conversation between the characters. It gives the readers an idea of their personalities even if not much time is spent describing physical attributes. There's also a definite conclusion to this story where we are not left hanging with an unresolved conflict.

Great job with the prompt, Jeff! It was a pleasure to read. Keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

10

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#4745493

Review of The Last Fifteen Years

Review by iKïyå§ama-Ho...

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hallo Lady Elizabeth Mormont

!

I will be reviewing your work "The Last Fifteen Years"

for House Targaryen on behalf of "Game of Thrones"

Content:

Originally written for the Writer's Cramp contest; this is a poem that tells of a woman's life in a post-apocalyptic world.

Pluses:

I enjoyed the rhythmn and rhyme of this one; not easy to do especially when you're trying to tell a cohesive story from start to finish.

Your use of imagery is also well done as seen from the very first line: The snow falls upon her head like a halo of white. and in the fourth stanza: Under a darkened sky of the volcano's tears.

As stated earlier, this is a poem with a story - as we follow this girl who appears to be hunting but at night. You say 'eternal night' and 'it's been years since she's seen natural light', so we can only assume that she lives in a time when sunshine/light is a luxury? Perhaps due to the volcano's eruption, the entire world darkened for some reason? Technicalities aside, we also have the problem of strange creatures that now inhibit the earth; and it's obvious that these creatures are not your average bunnies. These are called 'nightwalkers' and in a bid to survive, she has to fight these strange beings - something she's had to do for fifteen years.

She's no longer got family, as father and brother were lost with the volcano's eruption and mother was killed by the creatures. Truly a horrific way to watch your family disappear before your eyes. Yet, she soldiers on and continues to try to live each day with her mother's song as an inspiration within her heart.

An interesting premise for the poem - and I'm curious as to what the prompt was actually - and a pleasure to read. Thanks for sharing, and keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

11

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#4745476

Review of Passing Trains

Review by iKïyå§ama-Ho...

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hallo Purple is House Florent

!

I will be reviewing your work "Passing Trains"

for House Targaryen on behalf of "Game of Thrones"

Pluses:

- this was my face at the end of this one while the ol' brain was churning and churning with different scenarios! Don't know if you have watched The Twilight Zone, but for some reason, I was reminded of an episode where a woman is sure she's seeing her doppelganger at a train station, and both of them just keep missing each other until she sees 'herself' on the bus going off to goodness knows where!

Now, if I'm trying to decipher this story - which is quite simple in its plot - a young woman is returning home after a funeral for her father and feels, understandably, weary and emotionally drained from it all. On the train, she sees a little boy of about 12 staring out the window in awe. However, there's something odd about his kid because he looks eerily like her father when he was at that age. She believes it's probably just her imagination and having just come from an emotional farewell to a man she loved, but when the child hails his mother and she sits down beside him, mother looks at our protagonist and seems to recognize her as well!

So what does it all mean? Did Elizabeth - our protagonist - somehow travel back into the past and she's actually seeing her father and her grandmother? With the title of the story being 'Passing Trains', perhaps she's somehow transitioning between the world of the living and the dead? Sooooo many questions I need answers to, and I'm probably not going to get them as you wrote this a while ago.

This short story does pack an emotional punch with that 'Twilight Zone-ish' feeling as well. I'm curious to know what you were thinking about when you wrote this, so feel free to enlighten me. Thanks for the delightful read, and keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4745466

Review of Rach's Reading Club

Review by iKïyå§ama-Ho...

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hallo fellow Dragon, Choconut ~ House Targaryen

!

I will be reviewing your work "Rach's Reading Club"

for House Targaryen on behalf of "Game of Thrones"

Pluses:

Ah! Look at another gem I've failed to review!

And considering you're a staple at "Angel Product Reviews"

, it only makes sense that this forum is your brain child. I love the cozy and welcoming cover and forum image which showcases the typical open book and your favorite drink of choice (in this case coffee/tea) to make one feel at home.

Opened in 2021, from the number of posts and several nominations at the Quills, it's clear this is quite a popular forum! Since this is a site dedicated to writers, it will also make sense to have a haven for those who love to read and wish to share their favorites with everyone else. This is specified in your introduction note.

The rules seem simple enough; each month a theme for books to read will be given. There are several prizes to be awarded based on either following the theme for the month or number of books to be completed. You also have the opportunity to earn more points by posting your product reviews in the aforementioned Product Review forum. Great way to learn about PRs for Writing.com.

Within each theme given, you've also provided helpful lists of possible books they could choose to read, which is great! In addition, all members can sign up and have their own book log to keep track of how well they're doing with the challenges.

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>Now, you say the contest will run until 'Black Friday, November 2024' - and I'm sure many in America (and maybe the U.k) might know what that date is, but there might be others wondering exactly what Black Friday even means!

So, for us dumb folks maybe just specifying the exact date might help a bit.

>>For every book you read and review, you will receive 2 Kgps.
(I know this is just a space typo because for a moment there, I wondered what Kgps was all about, and if I had missed a new set of extra special gps set?)

This is a wonderful activity, Rachel, and I thank you for making it a part of the Writing.com Community. Keep on writing and reading!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

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#4745435

Review of Wanya's Day

Review by iKïyå§ama-Ho...

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hallo PiriPica

!

I will be reviewing your work "Wanya's Day"

for House Targaryen on behalf of "Game of Thrones"

Content:

Written for the No Dialogue contest, this is a story about a forest elf who goes to the city for a day out and encounters something she is forced to confront.

Pluses:

It's always entertaining to imagine how fantastical creatures would fit into a city setting, and it appears that this is world you've built where all of those sort of creatures can co-exist within the same space.

We are introduced to Wanya, who is a forest elf and has apparently come to the city to sightsee. Unfortunately, Wanya is not used to the heat and noise and finds it uncomfortable. In the midst of her attempting to get some sort of reprieve from the heat, she is jostled by a rude being, called an orcoid, who does what he does best; invite a fight. Well done, on the descriptions of your characters by the way, and because you cannot use dialogue, we have to rely on your ability to show the reader their personalities in a different way. Of course, the orcoid comes off as thuggish and disgruntled, but not to be deterred, Wanya has a few tricks up her sleeve as well. Somehow, she manages to defeat her opponent, while the onlookers can only clutch their amulets and hope it's not their turn next.

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>her brow and readjust her clothes
(I honestly read this as a 'readjust' - one word - until I realized it was supposed to be re-adjust

Or you could just go with 'adjust' alone as this is the first time she's actually doing it in your story)

>>and there was a blinding flash of of light.

>>before blinkingly looking back at the elf.
(that was a mouthful to read. Perhaps something along the lines of:...before blinking back at the elf OR ...before looking back at the elf - would read better)

>>calmy (calmly) chuckling to herself
(actually, I don't even think you need that word there. Chuckling is a low sound and a calming chuckle almost seems redundant)

Thanks for sharing this fun short story with us, and keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

14

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#4745425

Review of The Wandering Child

Review by iKïyå§ama-Ho...

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hallo KingsSideCastle

!

I will be reviewing your work "The Wandering Child"

for House Targaryen on behalf of "Game of Thrones"

Content:

Written for a contest, the writer is challenged to come up with a story for a picture prompt of a boy with a suitcase holding onto a teddy bear with a dog at his side. They are all next to what appears to be abandoned railways tracks with a full moon in the sky, a passing meteor, and a lonesome clock post in the distance.

Pluses:

You definitely made use of the prompt in an interesting plot. I was not sure where you were going with the first paragraph, but the sudden twist that our young boy was not all as he seemed was a nice touch.

Mostly dialogue heavy, we follow the journey of Tom - our main character - who appears to be searching for something. He's done his research and is sure he's come to the right place to find the answers he seeks. The banter with the boy was amusing, as he (who we come to find out is an Oracle) appears to enjoy teasing Tom until he gives him what he desires. I liked the way you mentioned that Tom would be burdened with knowledge, for who wants to know about their future and realize you'll always have to try to live up to it, whatever that might be. Tom does not seem to mind this as he takes his answers and vows to get started on whatever plans he has. So, one can assume it's good news then.

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>"I finally found you(,)" Tom said.

>>"Did you?" The child ask(ed).

>>"Were you looking for a child in the middle of the desert.(?)"

>>"I admit it can be farfetched (,) but I wouldn't go

>>The dog barked angrily (,) but the kid put

>>"I want you to show me my future (.)"

>>"You have a long journey ahead of you (,) Thomas Knight (,) and a lot of hard work ahead.

>>The boy squeezed Tom's shoulder gently.
(maybe I'm just being too particular, but this part bothered me for some reason. I'm assuming Tom is an adult, and if you're going with the picture prompt, this is a little kid, yes? Now, unless Tom had knelt down to this kid's level, or they are of the same height, then there's really no way the child would have been able to perform this act)

>>And I know you probably had to write all this within a word limit, but it would have been a nice touch to have the dog involved in some way. It is a part of the image after all. Maybe it could have been the Oracle's assistant but in animal form or something along those lines. Just tossing that idea out there in case you decide to expand on this.

Thanks for the fun read, and keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

15

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#4745367

Review of Movie Talk

Review by iKïyå§ama-Ho...

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hallo Maryann - House Martell

!

I will be reviewing your work "Movie Talk"

for House Targaryen on behalf of "Game of Thrones"

Pluses:

I chose this to review because...well...I love movies! And I can't believe I wasn't in here ranting away about some of my favorites since this forum was created way back in 2002! I was a toddler then! Still I think this is a wonderful idea of a place where movie lovers can chill out and chitchat about their thoughts on what they've seen and experienced on the screen.

The cover image is quite simple and takes me back to the days of 'primitive' graphic program designs - shows how long we've been around here, eh? Hah! - and the forum banner image is very much like being transported into a movie theater. It captures all the main elements to set the mood for the topics to be discussed. You've also made use of emoticons that are all movie/film/T.V. related to add a little more color to the page. Nicely done!

Now what is this forum really all about? According to your intro, you invite members to feel free to speak/vent/rant about what they love about movies or television. If they've got questions about any show or movie in particular, they can come here as well. Gosh, wish I had come after the season finale of GoT.

I might have found one or two folks who understood my pain.

You provide a links to exemplary reviews by other members, perhaps as a way to inspire anyone else who might want to dedicate an entire static item to their thoughts about any one particular movie or show they watched. You also provide links to other related forums - you created - that movie/T.V. fans might be interested in checking out. Nice!

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>> Noticed you had an invalid link for one of the review showcases

>> And though the forum has quietened down a bit - I do see a couple of recent posts but not much feedback (or maybe folks aren't really watching movies like they used to, which is a bit disappointing), I still think you could promote this again and get more folks interested in being a part of the discussion.

Aside from that, this is a great forum, and I appreciate you trying to get the community together through this avenue. Keep on being a shining beacon for others on Writing.com, and keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

16

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#4745186

Review of A Robin and a Rose

Review by iKïyå§ama-Ho...

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hallo Amethyst Angel (House Mormont)

!

I will be reviewing your work "A Robin and a Rose"

for House Targaryen on behalf of "Game of Thrones"

Content:

This is a short story that deals with the relationship between a mother, her son, a rose and a bird, and how all of this ties into a greater life lesson for them.

Pluses:

It's always tricky jumping into reading stories that deal with faith and religion without it fearing it becomes too 'preachy'. That's the last thing you want to do as a writer, especially if hoping to get an important message across. You were able to do that quite well with this story. It's a tale of finding hope when all seems lost and that was translated in the way the mother compared her problems to the rose and her son's reaction to Rob (their bird's) decision to remain with them.

Although you don't dwell too much on the description of the settings, we are still able to get a sense of who our characters are and their personalities through the dialogue. While Katy is a loving mother, there's still an undertone of weariness thanks to all the other problems she's having to deal with. Gardening, and her son, seem to be a safe refuge away from that. She also seems to pour all her hopes into the flower, that's barely a flower (or as her son considers it a runt), until it blossoms at the end of the story.

And let's not forget the touching section where they find the injured bird and nurse it back to health. That, too, is another representation of how their family can heal from whatever problems they're going through. It's something Aaron is able to articulate quite well (and I had to go back to read just how old he is because that was quite an adult insight into the situation).

Thanks for the inspirational story. It was a pleasure to read, and keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

17

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#4745177

Review of Wile E Coyote and The Roadrunner

Review by iKïyå§ama-Ho...

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hallo Chrys O'Shea

!

I will be reviewing your work "Wile E Coyote and The Roadrunner"

for House Targaryen on behalf of "Game of Thrones"

Content:

With a summary like that, what can one expect from such a story? Hijinks and shenanigans? Probably, since those two get along like oil to water (is that how the saying goes?). It should be interesting to see how this case pans out.

Pluses:

Ah, I saw this and thought I was going through a severe case of deja-vu. I was sure I had read this before, and then remembered it was for an entry in "Wonderland"

, yes? Good idea to make it into a separate static item because it was a good read.

The cover and story image should bring back memories for those who are familiar with the cartoon characters/show, and for those who are clueless about it, just by looking at the image, they can have an idea of the dynamic between the two. One is hellbent on causing damage, the other is just minding his own business running around as per his name.

In your story, 'poor' Wile E. appears to have gotten into a rather tight spot where products purchased from the once trusted Acme Corporation, caused him great bodily harm. What's one to do but sue the ones responsible for giving him so much grief? And of course, the next thing to do is find a new shop where you are able to purchase as many dangerous items as you want - The Home Depot.

But that's not all! To help with this case, Wile E. goes all out and hires the infamous Ken Starr (might remember him from the Clinton case a few years back) as his lawyer. With such a guy on his team, there's no way he can't win this lawsuit, right? Unfortunately, with the honourable Judge Judy presiding over the case, our troubled protagonist (or antagonist in this case) has no chance of getting what he wants.

Since the prompt had requested for you to put famous people in history in 'ridiculous/normal' situations, this was fun to see your choice of characters. You definitely know your Acme-related stories, and it was evident in your writing.

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>...you who have suffered bodily harm.(")
>>"Yes, your Honor.(")
>>It has been rumored that Home Depot may be having second thoughts.(")
(Missing closing dialogue quotation marks there)

Thanks for sharing this fun little piece with us. It was a delight to read. Keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

18

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#4745164

Review of Nonsense in a garden

Review by iKïyå§ama-Ho...

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hallo sindbad

!

I will be reviewing your work "Nonsense in a garden"

for House Targaryen on behalf of "Game of Thrones"

Content:

This is a short story that captures the conversation between unborn twins in their mother's womb.

Pluses:

This was an interesting one and made me wonder if it was a metaphor for an entirely different topic that borders on the religious?

It starts out simple enough; a pregnant woman is having a peaceful and quiet time outdoors, while within her womb, her unborn children are engaged in a rather deep and philosophical discussion. Do they exist when they are out of the womb?

Seems like a weird question to ask, but when one really thinks about it, why should the fear that they will not survive 'out there' not come into question? With this simple premise, you open up a world of contemplation and speculation on the matter. Which leads me to the metaphorical aspect of all this; faith and religion. This is the section that brings it all to light:

The first replied “Mother? You actually believe in Mother? That’s laughable. If Mother exists then where is She now?”

The second said, “She is all around us. We are surrounded by her. We are of Her. It is in Her that we live. Without Her this world would not and could not exist.”

Said the first: “Well I don’t see Her, so it is only logical that She doesn’t exist.”

So, yes. This might all be just 'Mom' we're talking about in your story, but one cannot help but apply it to the one of the most prevalent queries regarding those who believe in some Higher Being. This is quite a clever way of allowing the readers to come to their own conclusions with this topic.

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>A pregnant woman was resting in a garden.
>>In a mother’s womb were two babies.
(With the way this was written, it seems like we're talking about two different people. Perhaps you could go with: A pregnant woman was resting in a garden. In her womb were two babies.)

>>“Nonsense(,)” said the first.

>>The umbilical cord supplies nutrition and everything we need.

But the umbilical
(don't think it needs to be in two separate sentences; a comma should suffice)

>>“Well (,) I think there is something (,) and maybe it’s different than it is here.

>>...then why has no one has ever come back from there?

>>“but certainly we will meet Mother (,) and she will take care of us.”

Thanks for sharing this piece with us. It was a pleasure to read. Keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

19

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#4745104

Review of The Contest Challenge

Review by iKïyå§ama-Ho...

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hallo Schnujo is Late to Lannister

!

I will be reviewing your work "The Contest Challenge"

for House Targaryen on behalf of "Game of Thrones"

Pluses:

Huh? How have I never reviewed this before? Blasphemy!

Seriously though, if anyone doesn't know what that darn panda-thingy is in your cover and header image signifies at this point, then they don't know what they're missing. What's the story behind panda by the way? I'm curious.

The premise for this is simple enough; enter as many contests around Writing.com and get pretty MBs for your collection. How hard is that? It's a fantastic way to encourage members to become more active around the site and exposes us to, probably unseen, activities that need writers to make it a success.

Thank the gods for the dropnote function because there is a loooooot of text to read through in this forum, Missy!

So, for the benefit of those of us with short attention spans *raises hand* there's the short and sweet version of the rules which simply state that you have to enter the activity for 12 months consistently, and at the end of the year, you win your prizes. Now, if you're more detail oriented and want to know exactly how to go about this, the hostess has been kind enough to give a much longer explanation of the rules - just click the appropriate link to do so. Want to know even more? She's got helpful tips for you to get through the activity as well FAQ section...which is in bright pink for some reason. Whyyyyy??

Note that there are particular contests highlighted each month, so you are encouraged to participate in those throughout the year; options to choose another - if that contest is a one-time thing - is up to you.

Did I forget to mention the cute trinket that you can collect just for stopping by? With the success of this activity already, I am sure you'll be getting even more participants stopping by.

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>> Under your 'Tips' section there are two invalid links

>> Maybe it's to conserve space, but the extra info sections (Tips et. al) all joined together might be a tad bit difficult for some folks to read through. On my screen, it comes across as just one very long paragraph and words just bleed into each other at some point. (or maybe it's just reading so much with this GoT that's finally made me cross-eyed)

Overall, this is a great activity for the Writing.com Community! Keep up the fantastic work!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

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#4745078

Review of Space Wars

Review by iKïyå§ama-Ho...

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hallo Angelica- House Florent B & W

!

I will be reviewing your work "Space Wars"

for House Targaryen on behalf of "Game of Thrones"

Pluses:

First impressions always matter, and the cover image you've used clearly showcases exactly what this contest is supposed to be about: space and all the possible shenanigans that can occur there if we only use our imagination.

Now, while the summary of the forum states: 'There is a war going on in outer space and the aliens need your help to bring peace', there is more to the activity than that. This is a monthly activity with a new prompt given each time, and in this case, I have to say that is quite a unique one. Based on the main prompt, you pose several questions in relation to it, and writers are given the opportunity to give solutions to the questions. Those answers should be no more than 1,000 words and of course rating below 13+

The prizes are quite generous considering not much is required and you award based on how well the writer is able to be creative with their responses.

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

So, it appears this contest has been run for quite some time, but the entries haven't that been much sadly.

I am sure there are many folks who enjoy sci-fi, or even if they don't, will have an active enough imagination to respond to the prompts. So, why aren't folks popping in to participate?

One thing I can suggest is making the forum a bit more appealing - presentation wise - might seem trivial, but the human mind is attracted to the visual first - especially welcoming images/colors that make them want to know more. We are 'lucky' to now be able to come up with images we like with the use of AI programs, so you can always create a nice welcome header image for the forum.

Second, try to make your rules and instructions etc, stand out with bigger font sizes. Let the prizes also stand out, so anyone coming in can jump in to see what it's all about.

Last but not least, promote the heck out of it. On your notebook feed, on the activities/writing page (as I saw the link there) and even visiting members - especially new writers - and posting on their notebook as well; inviting them to participate.

You've got a good thing going here, so keep at it and hope it gets more and more participation in the future!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

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#4745059

Review of Snowman

Review by iKïyå§ama-Ho...

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hallo Beholden

!

I will be reviewing your work "Snowman"

for "Game of Thrones"

Content:

For the SCREAMS! contest, this is a short story written for the image prompt of a snowman in the most unusual of locations; a summer-type setting - or at least non-wintery.

Pluses:

Well, my goodness, how did one expect this to end, eh? Should have added portable air-conditioner or ice box along with the itinerary.

Ah, I'd forgotten how you're able to take the most ordinary objects and bring them to life with your writing. Your imagination is admirable and this story is a testament to that. The idea of snowmen deciding to go 'South' for a vacation sounds ridiculous enough, but you manage to give each of them personalities that make them 'human' and relatable despite what they truly are.

I could clearly picture these rotund beings - in their various shapes and forms - gathered around discussing this very serious matter. And poor Fred Kuhlman; brave enough to take one for the team in finding out just how great 'Nawlins (aka New Orleans) would be as the ideal vacation spot.

There was one particular section that had me laughing though:

>> The idea of reversing this migration clearly shocked them at first but, as Fred warned that they should be more open-minded in their approach to new suggestions, they warmed to the notion.
(Hah! I see what you did there.

! Good one!)

Another clever section was where poor Fred's unable to speak because of the coals falling off his mouth. Such attention to details is what makes your stories a delight to read.

Rest in Peace, Fred K. A tip of the hat to you for daring to go where no snowman has gone before.

Thanks for the fun read, and keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

22

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#4744945

Review of The Road Less Travelled

Review by iKïyå§ama-Ho...

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hallo Detective

!

I will be reviewing your work "The Road Less Travelled"

for "Game of Thrones"

Content:

Probably written for a contest - word count made obvious at the end of the story - this tells of a young woman's decision to take a journey and what she discovers in a small cafe that could change her life.

Pluses:

Well, this story made me want to pack up my bags and go hunting for this lovely cafe you've so wonderfully described in your story.

You've done a great job setting up and allowing the reader to picture this safe haven for our main character who seems to be at a crossroads at the moment. This is a trip she decided to take on her own despite her mother's disapproval, and from that line alone, it's clear that the relationship between them is quite strained.

I think that comes full circle with the last bits of the story, where the advice given, all relates to the character finding who she truly is by not being afraid to take chances.

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>> Just a formatting issue between the first and second paragraphs. Need to be separated as just looks like one very long chunk of a paragraph at the moment.

>> For Susie, it was the best way to spend the summer before collage. (college)

>> with a drink, a meal, desert (dessert), a book,

>> “Good afternoon, miss.
('Miss' - should be capitalized as she's being addressed in this way - a 'title' if you will)

>> The cashier rang her up and picked a book up from the fantasy section.
(The use of both words sounds a bit redundant. You don't need the 'up' after book.)

>> and a number, telling her that her number would be called
(that word 'number' repeats quite a bit in that section. You could re-write that section to '...and a number, telling her it would be called...')

>> the cord around the book was a small envelop. (envelope)
>> Susie opened the envelop (envelope)

>> The note read,” Don’t let
(punctuation error - wrong place for the closing dialogue quotation marks)

Thanks for sharing this lovely short piece with us. It was a pleasure to read. Keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

23

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#4744937

Review of My Cool, Little Breeze

Review by iKïyå§ama-Ho...

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hallo Jakrebs

!

I will be reviewing your work "My Cool, Little Breeze"

for "Game of Thrones"

Content:

Written for the Dialogue 500 contest, this story appears to be based on a prompt that requires the writer to propose without stating the obvious.

Pluses:

Talk about beating around the bush to finally get to the point, eh?

Or - as you so cleverly did - the proposal was already stated, but you start off the story with the girlfriend stating she does want to get married, but she is still wary about their relationship since they've been going out for only one year (which for some folks is way too long actually!)

Our guy, not to be deterred, starts off with some random story about seeing something shiny in the grass while doing his business in the toilet. So, not a very romantic beginning as obvious from the reaction from the girlfriend (as she too is wondering where this is heading), but it is actually sweet the way he comes around to comparing what turns out to be dew drops, to her personality.

That definitely makes her feel good, but our boy is not done quite yet as he launches into a litany of all the things she reminds him of (and the heart medicine bit? Hah!) and how much he truly wants her in his life. Finally won over, our girl has to stop him before he collapses (probably) with a quip warning that she is not really that beautiful to look at in the morning. Clearly an inside joke between them.

This was a fun read and well done with the prompt. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

24

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#4744751

Review of My Dearest Son

Review by iKïyå§ama-Ho...

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Hallo again, fellow Dragon JACE - House Targaryen

!

I will be reviewing your work "My Dearest Son"

for "Game of Thrones"

Content:

Written for the Short Shots contest, this is a story that follows the thoughts of a young man after the passing of his mother and of a father he never really got to know.

Pluses:

I tell you I really need to stop watching all these documentaries about the war (thanks PBS!

, because as I read this, all I could picture were the countless young men (and women) who had to make such selfless sacrifices to defend their country.

You start off the story with a simple enough letter, but not just any letter; it's a touching and heartfelt plea of a father to his unborn son. Perhaps, in some way, he knew he might not return and this was the only way he could let his child know that he was there; that he existed and that he was loved. (Makes me wonder how many of these actually existed in real life).

As the story progresses, we are taken through Tighe Daniels' story (named after his father not surprisingly). He tells of how he received the letter when he was twelve-years old and how he grew up living in the shadow of a man he believed was great. It was nice to know that his mother never gave him cause to think otherwise and allowed her son to grow up wanting to remain honouring the man he never got to know.

In the end, there is a poignancy as we realize he's now all 'alone' having just buried his mother who is finally at peace and now with his father above. And as he recalls memories playing on a tire swing set installed by his father before his passing, Tighe makes the decision to repeat the same thing for his future/unborn child.

A tradition that now will be continued for generations to come, one hopes.

This was a wonderful story, Jace! Thanks for sharing, and keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

25

Credit this reviewer

#4744748

Review of These Are The Times ....

Review by iKïyå§ama-Ho...

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hallo, oh ye fellow dragon, JACE - House Targaryen

!

I will be reviewing your work "These Are The Times ...."

for "Game of Thrones"

Content:

Set in the year of our Lord, 1775, and written for the site's official Short Shots contest, this story follows the journey of a young man in Colonial America, who seeks to rectify the series of injustices he is forced to witness. However, a clash of ideologies with his family (father) leads him to make some rather tough decisions.

Pluses:

I have to marvel at how well some of you writers are able to write so well in the tone and dialect of specific time periods. You pulled that off effectively because it actually felt like I was reading some piece of factual historical documentation.

And to be honest, such historical fiction puts me to sleep, but with such an opening paragraph, and perhaps thanks to PBS America running in the background talking about this very same subject, I just had to plod on. You bring Joshua to life with your storytelling. You allow the readers to feel every pent-up emotion; the passion, the rebellious streak, the willingness to do what needs to be done - darn the consequences.

I also liked how you were able to weave the events of the time within the story without tiring the reader or making it seem like you were reading an actual textbook. We are taken into the daily lives of those who lived in that era and what they must have experienced; all through the eyes of the Fitch family. From Joshua to James and Eliza, each personality is presented well and an excellent depiction of their times.

Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>wanted to go down to (the) barracks

>>Eliza took her son's hands in hers, a measure that always tended to calm her son.
(reading this a couple of times, it did sound a bit redundant. Consider the use of his/him to replace the underlined phrases)

Aside from the little nitpicky notes above, this was a wonderful read. Thanks for sharing this piece with us, and keep on writing!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .