Porthole

44th week of year 179. End of the Tiger

G*D
The Original They/Them
~ Kåre Enga

If you need to look into the diapers to determine gender at least change them.

22.มกราคม.2566

Today's dinner of champions was fried fish and donuts.

Took pictures around Nong Bua. Caught the sunset. The New Year's lights were already down.

Saw fireworks out the hallway window when I got home. Unexpected, good timing.

Sent various pictures to Ponnya.

Wrote postcard #2 to Michael. I really should write one every day. It's good exercise, exorcise and whether folks want one or not, some will be well received.

Writing letters is a lost skill.

21.มกราคม.2566

Still sad, but it's not the deep chasms of yesteryears. I do need to be careful though.

To Mighty: "Regarding cashmere... why choose? Buy them all!

Motivation. I have a reason to get up even though my reason isn't here at the moment. *Sad* Still, I've been getting up earlier and that helps.

I lost weight this past year and will continue that trend for the next 2+ months in Thailand. Sun helps. And getting out and walking helps. I eat less."

To fathertymme: "The eyes need to be taken care of. In my case it's my hearing but cataracts are common in my family; so, I must be vigilant. Being present and aware is important here in Thailand as crossing any and every street is risky.

It's Year of the Rabbit tomorrow the 22nd. Celebrated in Udon Thani where I am for the next while. The nights are cool and the days are warm; but, the horizon is a haze from rice and sugarcane fields being burnt off. By March 21st it will be hot and the land thirsty.

Each stage of the year has its own peculiarity as does each stage of life."

I got out. Found where the food stalls will be open (tomorrow). Tried black truffle potato chips and seaweed sunflower seeds. Liked both. Bought coffee candy by mistake... I'll deal with it. Walked to Nong Prajak, walked around, then went home. Lots of walking. Tired.

20.มกราคม.2566

It's now a blue day (Friday). Orange was so yesterday! I reread yesterday's post. The drums are beating again this morning. The New Year of the Rabbit is Sunday (a double red day). The cool breeze would be slapping those slats if the curtain weren't open. Just put the kettle on for coffee #2. I'm so "redundant".

Ponnya comes home tomorrow so I need to tidy up a bit. Not much, but without him here I don't care as much. Just sharing this place may help with depression. The hugs don't hurt either.

It's 08:42 and the local Air Force jets are flying. Quite the racket.

At the edge of night
in the whispers of light
carried upon a fading breeze
the calmness questions
why I lay here at ease
there's plenty enough time
once planted in the grave
this echo of a former life
that would not listen
to the whispers of light
at the edge of night.

[129]

To Charity: "Travel makes me grateful for being home. Staying home gives me the urge to travel.

I may be entering a new stage of life (one toe already in the warm water). At the moment it includes a bathroom, a balcony, a boyfriend... lots of B's. There's plenty of street food and restaurants within walking distance.

I'm slowly coming to understand what I didn't miss (because I didn't have it).

So I'm surrounded by Thailand. Not the tourist brochure, the everyday living... the smiles, my frustration, the acceptance and tolerance, the mosquitoes.

I'm not dead yet, so I have lessons to learn."

https://www.msn.com/en-us/health/wellness/couple-stands-their-ground-after-pride...

21:30 Very sad. I guess I can slog through the next 5 days. No one to talk to or share why I'm unhappy. Very very lonely at the moment.

19. มกราคม

09:08... the pounding drums from the Chinese Cultural Center have quieted. The jets aren't flying overhead and the train has passed. It's fairly quiet except for the breeze moving the blue slatted curtain by the sliding door.

I should go out in the cool of the morning but it's also a good time to write. Thailand is 12 hours ahead of WDC time. Makes it easy to know what time it is; but, I'm easily confused as to the date.

It's always time for coffee; so, maybe I'll put the kettle on and make decisions later.

To wordsmitty: "WDC practices avoidance... how do I know? I'm avoidant. I really don't like confrontation, partly because I don't handle it well.

BUT, I've been screaming the last 20 years after being bashed for most of my life. Big-bashing is obvious. Small-bashing like shunning... not so obvious. I'm definitely 'toxic' to some when I question their values and I have to own up to that. I'm not here to just get more friends and more likes and my writing and photographs aren't monetized. So I engage to feel connected. Many people here at WDC do not want to dirty themselves by connecting.

Mid-Americans (a major part of WDC) do not want to be challenged mentally. Their level of apathy reduces the world to a shade of beige. And those offended and outraged about e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g are the flip-side and also a threat. Perspective? Context? There's another point-of-view? I-might-be-wrong? What's that all about?

Cannot have a discussion about anything serious at WDC and it's dangerous on Spacefook as well."

Went out. Confirmed that there's a fruit/vegetable/fresh-fish/raw-meat market near here, this side of Posri across the tracks. Must take Ponnya (he'll be back the 21st) so we can buy some. I don't know what things are called and not sure what some things are!

Bought 4 more dishes/bowls. At 20 baht each.

Must take camera to Chinese festival tonight.

19:46 the southbound train to Krungthep has passed.

I bought pork lasagna (70 baht) before going to the festival. Good idea. Very good... it was 2 portions.

I took a lot of photos. One woman dropped her bag into the water. It floated; but, I don't know how she retrieved it.

20:44 I'm worn out tired. Far too early to turn in.

18. มกราคม

It's an orange day in Udon on a green day of the week. City celebration around the Prajak monument. Hundreds of dancers wearing orange tops and mut mee bottoms and showing respect. Awesome.

To Charity: "Even so, hubby swears it was the happiest two weeks he's ever had in a truck. Which just goes to show how f***ing miserable and lonely it is.

I know you know that that says a lot... as in A LOT.

I was gone for one month and my puppy boyfriend was suffering separation anxiety. No he's gone for 5 days and I'm missing him.

When I first stepped foot in Kansas I felt at home. When I went to Costa Rica I immediately wanted to leave. Montana has been 'home' now for 14 years... but it never was Kansas; and now, I walk around Udon Thani, a city surrounded by rice fields and sugarcane, and wonder whether I'm meant to be there at this time in my life.

So yes, love this entry, vomit and all.

To Jayne: "I'm okay as long as I write something down somewhere as the thought crosses my mind. I used to be better at that.

I comment a lot here on blogs. That actually helps because it primes my writing pump."

Also to Jayne: "I knew nothing about Oscar (father's side) until my cousin mentioned he died falling off a parade float and good riddance... Supposedly he was prostituting his wife and daughter. Mostly folks got along though and still do.

I still know nothing about Sylvester (mother's side) other than he was good looking. My mother's family keeps an unfriendly distance. Not sure toxicity has anything to do with it.

Apparently I'm toxic to many people in general and that's hard for me to deal with. Shunning hurts."

I need to reassess my needs.

17. มกราคม

Been up 3+ hours. Time to shower and go for a walk. It's a pink day.

Took chocolates to Gay. We're connected now on facebook which means I can work around her schedule. Met Jean from B.C. and spoke to a young gay couple from Udon/Surin.

Fish for dinner. Fried fish costs 12 baht, bread costs 2 baht. A sandwich for 16 baht. A fishburger at Burger King costs 69 baht.

I bought snacks for 10 baht each. I'll take pictures and give a 'review'.

16. มกราคม

Random thoughts:

The beauty of an ugly place - for Pao.
Blemish - the focus on imperfections.
Black is the color of my true love's... The ticklish tangle of a black forest - for Pon.
Tiger before the entrance of the wat. Greying under a cloak the color of butter ~ for Tiger. As one year fades into another.

Write a limerick they said...

Once in a hamlet named Shakespeare
there dwelt/came a young knight who died there
he left all his gold
to bonny prince bold
who squandered it all on a brood mare.

Now all I have to do is rewrite so it makes sense.

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