My Conversion Story Journal

July 26, 2023

Today we are on the eve of Tisha B'Av. The day that both temples in Jerusalem were destroyed and the day that the people of Israel were told that they would not enter the promised land for 40 years. A day of mourning. We are to fast for 25 hours which means no food or liquids. We cannot do any Torah study that is not about learning about loss or destruction.

So with my bank card being compromised last week and waiting for the replacement in the mail, and no access to money, I'm struggling with one aspect of preparation today. I have neither eggs, nor bread. Having run out of eggs would normally be nothing, but today, eggs serve a purpose. Eggs are what mourners eat and since we are going into mourning (over the things listed above), we are supposed to eat bread and a boiled egg dipped in ash. Yes, ash.

I remember reading about this months ago and now that I'm here, I was clueless that it was today that this was supposed to happen. Months ago I could only think how gross it sounded, but today I am sad and feel that I am missing out on an important experience of mourning. Although I could probably go find someone who will give me an egg and do the ritual lunch a bit late, I wonder if this happened for a reason. So instead of frantically finding an egg and some ash (because I don't have any of that either), I have to think how much I have grown spiritually over the past couple of months. I have to think how thankful I am to have this experience of missing out on - and understand and feel that I am missing out on - this Jewish ritual.

I feel like today is my reminder that even though things get hard and I feel like a constant screw up (which I do), I still choose this. And since I still choose to become Jewish with all my struggles and disasters, Hashem is blessing that choice with this feeling of wanting to be observant and a promise that some day, I will be able to observe these rituals, traditions, and holidays the way they are meant to be observed, and when that day comes I will do them out of gratefulness and a real desire to honor and connect with Hashem.

I will still start the fast at sundown and change the prayers to observe Tisha B'Av. And I will mourn for Israel. What does the temple's destruction mean to me or how does it affect me? Because it is destroyed, I am not able to bring a sacrifice before the lord in gratitude for my conversion.Whether you believe that I was born with a Jewish soul or that G-d answered my prayers to be closer to him and to be able to learn more about him and follow all his statutes and commanments, the fact remains that until the third temple is built, I will not be able to offer anything more than money and my gratitude.