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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| The expectation of the Passover Seder: I expected Passover to be a rigid occasion with so much focus on strict rules, readings, and movements. I expected everyone to be tense and serious. This expectation made me nervous. Very nervous. The challenge: I packed the night before and waited until the cat got out of the suitcase the next morning to close it up. I didn't mind waiting for the cat, because I needed to put my siddur in the suitcase after morning prayers anyway. I pulled into the parking lot at work and heard something break and start grinding. I was sure I had a flat. I got out and didn't see any flat tire. I crawled on the ground in my dress and saw a metal piece of something above the back tire that was making the noise. If I had tried to drive a distance on it, it would have given me a flat. I taught for a couple of hours, then, on my prep, drove my car a block away to the closest shop to the school. They said it was the heat shield and it was "something that happens all the time" and "no big deal". Honestly, I don't know how something can fall off a car and it be fine without it, but I also have no idea what a heat shield is and what function it would serve. They kept the car to look at the fluids and check out a noise just to be safe since I was driving a long way. I walked the block back to school. I made it right as lunch was starting and students were ready to come into my room to hang out. I continued on with the day (4:00) and expected to pick up my car at the end of my work day with full fluids and to be told that it is really rusty underneath (which I already know). The garage knew I had to leave around 4 to make it to where I needed to go on time. I received a call at 3:00 that my starter went out. They had just tightened a belt and fixed the hole in the exhaust. They took it for a test drive and parked it in front of the garage. They decided they wanted to check the fluids for me, and the car wouldn't start. The starter had gone out. They told me that they would work hard and fast to get it done on time so I could make it to my Passover Seder. They did get it done just in time for me to drive with one very short bathroom break on the way. This was not the end. As I was driving, smoke and lights were filling the road in the distance. I did not know if it was a controlled burn for construction or an accident. The reaction to the challenge: When I heard something break, I had he option to cry (which is usually my first reaction to bad news). I had the option to give up and not try to even make it (it would have been understandable if I did). My heart, instead, went immediately to call upon G-d, so I did. "G-d, you are directing this journey. If you want me to be there, you need to guide me and make it so I can be there. If you don't want me there, then I won't be." What are the chances that my car breaks down with something major as it is sitting in the hands of a mechanic parked in front of his garage? I know if they had not wanted to give it a good look over, I would have been at a rest area and stranded. I wouldn't have made it to the Seder. I might not have made it down there at all to either of the Seders. As far as the fire on the highway: It turns out the grass was on fire in multiple places for about a mile of the road. Luckily, it was was on the other side of the highway which was separated by a cement barrier due to construction. I passed everyone that slowed down to stare. The reality of the Passover Seder: I made it to the house where I was staying with maybe ten minutes to spare before candle lighting. It was a night (long night) full of laughter, joy, tradition, stories, food, great company, and acceptance of my abundance of questions. Going through the Haggadah (the Passover Seder instructions and the story of the exodus from Egypt), was an experience that was fun, magical, and holy. It gave me the chills every time we went through the list of what G-d had done. He did a lot of miracles in such a short amount of time. It was an uplifting experience that I am so grateful to have had the chance to experience. Thank you Hashem for guiding me, loving me, and giving me so much more than I deserve. |
| This was the worst Shabbat that I have had, but I don't really want to focus on what went wrong. I have so many things to look forward to this week, that one bad Shabbat can't be my focus. I do not have a kosher kitchen (which I have talked about repeatedly), so cleaning to prepare for Pesach doesn't really make sense. However, I wanted to try out a few things and learn what foods I can and cannot eat. I tried to use up all of my flour. I used up everything that I normally had, except the special flour that I bought for Grandma Ditza's Semolina Cookies. Grandma Ditza was one of the hostages kidnapped on October 7th. She was also one that was released in the first round of negotiations. I don't remember how I came across her recipe and the website with her information on it, but I'm glad I did. Not only will I think about the hostages every time I make the cookies in the future (which I will because they are surprisingly delicious and easy to make), but I will think about what I can do to give to someone in need and be thankful for for the chance to do so. My life has repeatedly touched by people that I have never met and these cookies (as weird as it may sound) is a small reminder of the impact that I can have one others, even if it's just giving some cookies that I make. Recipe to Grandma Ditza's Semolina Cookies: https://www.oogio.net/ditzas_cookies/ Tomorrow, after work, I am going to a friend's house to stay for a couple of nights and experience my first Seder. As I have been going through my kitchen and taking inventory of what would be considered no kosher for Passover, I also have had to think about what I am packing for my stay in the community. I do not want to bring in anything to the house I will be staying that is not kosher for Passover. It wasn't until my prayer tutor L mentioned toothpaste that I asked about it. I already had planned to buy a new toothbrush, but I didn't think about toothpaste. I never thought about toothpaste as needing to be kosher at all. Colgate is kosher for Passover. I bought a tube and set it aside with the new toothbrush. I usually use Aim, which apparently is kosher for Passover. What makes toothpaste kosher or not kosher? I understand corn starch or other grain in toothpaste would make it not kosher for Passover, but is there kosher toothpaste for daily use? Is there toothpaste that I shouldn't be using? With the wars going on right now and the hostages still in captivity, it seems ridiculous to worry about what kind of toothpaste I should be using. At least it does on the surface. It only takes me a moment to switch my thinking though. Everything I do at every moment impacts the lives of others. Just like at Grandma Ditza's cookies. Everything I do, from the moment I wake in the morning until the moment sleep takes over me at night, should be done with a focus on honoring Hashem. If Hashem cares about what toothpaste I use and when I use it, than it has to matter to me as well. Do I think that buying a tube of Colgate will have a lasting impact on anyone? No, I don't. But that is not why we do things. If G-d says to do it, we do. Did Grandma Ditza know that when she made her family semolina cookies that a strange woman on the other side of the earth would be using her recipe and thinking about her when she did it? No, doubtful that she did. As work has become overwhelming, and learning has become overwhelming, and these feelings and emotions and experiences of conversion have become overwhelming, it has been a nice to take a step back and remember that every moment of every day has a purpose and an impact one someone's life. Even when we think we are living our most insignificant moments, as long as we are serving and loving G-d, we are changing the world for the better. Have a great Pesach. |
| Shabbat begins soon and instead of preparing - which I need to - I am looking at job postings and submitting applications again. I had to stop though before I became frustrated or depressed. It's hard at work when my boss and others are asking if I am leaving next year or staying. All I can say is that I don't know. I know my boss doesn't want me to move, and students and coworkers don't want me to move. Not being able to give a definitive answer is difficult. I need to move for my conversion (which is not shared knowledge at work), but certain things have to happen before I can say that I am moving. I can't move until I have a job because I can't pay rent until I have an income. I can't even get a place to rent until I have income in the area. So the very first step is getting a job and I seem to be an utter failure at securing a job in the area I need to move. What's bothering me besides not securing a job position is that I am going to have to say if I am staying in my apartment for another year or not very soon. Once I commit to staying, it will be even more expensive to move and break the lease. I'm trying not be down or frustrated. It has been a long week, and I want to go to bed, but I can't until I light my Shabbat candles. I baked challah for tonight, but I'm so tired that I don't even want to make dinner, make kiddush, or do anything tonight except sleep. However, I know once I light the candles and usher in the Shabbat Queen, all of that will change and I will be my normal happy self and feeling blessed. Time to let go and let G-d. Have a wonderful weekend everyone. |
| Some vocabulary in this entry (if needed): Pesach: The eight days of the Jewish Passover, not to be confused with Easter or the one night of Passover in the Christian religion. chametz: the five grains raw - wheat, oats, rye, barley, and spelt - or anything made from them that has come into contact with water and become "leavened." traif: not kosher As Pesach approaches, I think more about what my kosher kitchen will look like. At least in my mind. My youngest daughter, A2, moved back home (thankfully), which makes me think more about how I will navigate my two worlds. I will need meat and dairy dishes, but I also need traif dishes for my children to use. They do not separate meat and dairy, and I can't expect them to follow everything with Judaism like me. I also think about dishes and how I can keep a functional kosher kitchen with non-kosher living companions (including the cat). Not only are pans and dishes on my mind, but food itself. While every Jewish woman is searching for chametz in their home to burn it or sell it, I'm wondering how I can manage a kitchen and household where different rules and expectations apply to the people who live there. How is it possible? How can I clean for Pesach when half of the house is not in need of following that law? What do I get rid of since we eat some things together? What exactly should be considered as "hers" and what is considered as "mine?" I have to feed her, and she is not required to eat matzah during this time. How is that going to work? Again, all of this is questions for the future because I do not have a kosher kitchen at the present time. Anything I do now would be for building habits. I am determined to learn as much as I can this Pesach. I know that a year ago, I was just learning about the basics of what Pesach was and had very little understanding of Jewish beliefs and traditions. Well, at least compared to now. I'm trying to remember that I am not stuck. I am right where Hashem wants me to be and when that changes is up to him. I am still planning for the future and giving Hashem as many vessels as it takes to get me to where he wants me to be and to show him that I trust him and believe that he wants what is best for me in my life. I look forward to the day that I am no longer straddling two different worlds, but instead be a part of my new world and bring that world to my old world and say, "I know who I used to be, but this is who I am now." Though the day is not today, I know that I have passed surface level and am digging deeper into the details.. When details are studied with purpose, those beliefs become part of your life and your identity. I am not stuck. I am making vessels in the core of my being for Hashem to fill and I know that he is filling them. Thank you Hashem for loving me. |
| Today was the solar eclipse. I heard a lot of Jewish wisdom about the eclipse. Including a video that a friend sent me about the eclipse. In a solar eclipse, the moon crosses in front of the sun. The sun shines by day and the moon by night. The night is associated with romance. Sometimes when things are at their darkest during the day, a little bit of love can help us get through. Things have been very difficult recently all around the world. One way for Hashem to show us that he is still here and that everything will be all right is by giving us a little bit more love. Therefore, when the moon covered the sun, all the bad things that are happening all around the world, just for a moment, was covered under the vail of G-d's love. We don't always need to hear someone tell us that they love us, we need to see it through their actions, including a hug. The eclipse is one way for Hashem to tell us, "I love you, and everything will be okay." Thank you for the extra love today, Hashem. There were a lot of people who needed it today. |
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