View from the Mousehole

darkness taking over

The more I think about the way I feel the more I can't explain it. I spent most of today crocheting because Terry didn't want me hiding in my room. I snuck in here a couple of times to write and once to take a nap. I'm in here now to once again face a night where I have to confront the darkness that dwells within.

I know one thing that CMH cannot help me deal with or explain away. My pain. It seems to be getting worse (the rainy weather not helping) especially in my feet and hands. My sinuses have been draining and I taste blood in the back of my throat all the time. I am so hot most of the time......

I don't want to talk about this crap tonight. No one is going to do anything about it.

Everybody still asks: What is going on that has got you so down? I can't tell people what I don't know. I still firmly believe that it is all chemical. My medications are not working........

I guess I just keep going through this robotic existence (going through the motions) until something breaks.......

I still feel shattered........ fractured.......... broken. I've been starting to lose time again which is never a good sign.

I've tied a knot at the end of the rope and I'm trying to hold on until Monday.