full of awe

Going the distance

What have we learned? It’s not so simple. There are components tenuously but critically connected to everything. Don’t touch this, don’t even think about pulling that, and what do you think you’re doing with that one? Put it down carefully and step away. Two or three kilometers would be a good start. No, we’ve learned, if I had to make a stab at it, that we should continue what we’re doing. It seems to work as well as anything else. The stress, the tiresome but valid concerns, the questions and solutions. They’re all part of it. Sometimes things will go well, other times they will be excruciating. The only thing that kind of stands out from all that murk, the possibly one truth that one might point to, is simply: don’t stop. This is not exactly what we’d hoped for after seeking and aspiring for so long, but perhaps it’s better than nothing. The obviousness of it is very much a part of its… if not appeal, and it isn’t, then of its not entirely hopelessness. Do not stop. And its corollary, keep going. I mean, give up, don’t give up, sure, but don’t stop. Have you invested too much time to give up now? Is there any point to going on? Does the universe really not care? Will this give my life meaning? And so on. Start with, and don’t hesitate, don’t falter, don’t stop, don’t stop. Everything is as valid as anything else. Read, learn, sleep, exercise, lead, follow, muddle along, eat too much, drink too little, be healthy, make your bed, brush teeth, any teeth, drink coffee, red wine, whiskey straight, eat meat, hate meat eaters, do the mash potatoes. All of it, none of it. Just as long as you don’t stop.

Do I know what I mean by that? Do you know what I mean by that (leave a note, pls)? No, not really. Not at all, actually. And yet, and yet… I feel that after fifty five years I have finally made it to the starting line.
It is important also to, I don’t know, note? To clarify. I’m not even suggesting that it’s you who shouldn’t stop. It’s fine to stop. There isn’t a prize at the end of it one way or the other. We all know the ending. Me, I have to not.

It is the underpinning of all philosophy. Anything else, everything else is a distraction. Follow the distraction. Or not. But don’t stop. It’s not about giving up on life or not, either, by the way. Suicide is as good an answer as any. It’s not about determinism or free will, although there is something of it in it. There is no escape from this other than death. Don’t stop until you’re dead. See? another small step!

The fact is, and this is more specific and so less interesting but perhaps more useful, I have to keep writing. I have to not stop. Things may change, of course, and there may come a time when I will gain nothing from writing, or more importantly, when I won’t be learning anything from it anymore. When I will necessarily lose all interest in writing. I cannot imagine this happening. I can not. How would this be distinguishable from being dead? Learning. I don’t even have a good understanding of what I mean by learning, but it is something without which we have reached the end of the story.

I should have ended this there. The bugger is that here I am still, going the distance. It is, I suspect, built in and it probably makes a mockery of my spanking new philosophy. Except, my philosophy has anticipated this dissent and it is not thwarted, it is hardly concerned. It’s sitting outside at the pool with the ladies and the variegated sweet drinks with the parasols. It remains unencumbered by your measly dissent. It has a bag packed solid with bags. It can accommodate your arguments and those of your avo and cheese eating friends with their polo playing partners and their tractor lawn mowers. There’s a bag of bags for every last one of them. Just don’t, you know? Stop.

How can this session not be done yet!? I’ve been going non-stop for hours. Lord have mercy! Fuck it, I’m stopping.