Sarah's Life

Free thought

Funny thing is, I never really think about what goes through my head. I sit here, typing away, and I have to force thoughts out of there - They refuse to come on thier own. And when I try to let them flow freely, I can't do it. In fact, the only times I can do that are when I'm writing to my boyfriend. Somehow the words always just flow when I'm doing that. And it's scary... Everything about it is scary. One of those things where I had decided that love wasn't worth it, and then BOOM up pops the muncher, and I'm in love again... I didn't plan on it, and at first I didn't want it, but there it was, and I couldn't deny the gods what they were screaming in my ear - "Hello?? This guy's been here for the last two years.... Why havn't you realized you love him?" And that's the thing - I loved him all along, and I refused to admit it, simply because I didn't want to think that it could be that easy. I had to go looking for love in places it wasn't, and as a result got burned. But maybe I needed those burns to be able to withstand our love, for, as anyone who knows us will tell you, it hasn't been easy. But it's because I have to fight for it that I love it all the more. I could give up like I have in the past, like I did with Kebeth, but I won't. Sad thing is, I wish I had realized that I loved the muncher before I went and screwed up my life with Elyas.

There were times during my relationship with Elyas that I just wanted Munchie. It was odd. Like when my knee decided to bend in a whole new way... I fell, and when the haze in my eyes cleared, part of me was hoping that it would be Munchie above me, making sure I was okay. It was Elyas, and I comforted myself with the fact that yes, Munchie was a friend, and that was it. Elyas was my boyfriend and it was his duty to be there when I got hurt. Oh well. And then there was the time that FBLA was selling suckers as fundraising, and I really wanted one. Elyas didn't have the money for it, and I was, as always, flat broke. Munchie was selling them and he just gave me one. I think it was then that I first realized how blind I had been. Even though I was dating Elyas, I developed a crush on Munchie. I realize now that when you really love someone you don't even really notice other guys. I guess that should have been my first clue that Elyas wasn't my "soul-mate" but, hey, I've always been a sucker for that whole romantic thing. I was roped in, and then he used that tie against me. I know that Munchie would never do that. Simply because I know that Munchie would rather hurt himself before hurting me, this has actually been proven in real life. So I feel safe.

Elyas and I had an... interesting... relationship. I don't think he realized that he never even came close to getting inside my walls. He just wanted to convince himself that someone would love him, and he did everything in his power to get that love. He wrote me eloquent letters, he bought me stuff. When he screwed up, he bought roses just before I chewed him out. The guy had excelent timing. But that's all it was - timing. Towards the end, I just used that against him. I've never really had a problem disconnecting myself from the situation, and for the most part, I did that with Elyas. Part of me still hates him for what he did, and part of me still loves him. It's odd. But that love was never the love that I have for Munchie. The love I felt for Elyas was more like that of a superior to someone that needs help. It was a guiding love. I pushed him to be more that he was, and unfortunatly, it didnt' really work. I dont' think he realizes, even to this day, exactly what he could accomplish if he put his mind to it - he's got some of the same issues as me, a great mind, but NO motivation. Or his motivation is in the wrong place at times.

Damn, I just went blank again. Oh well.... more of this later then.

Kgirlfae ~ Wanting