This is a great start. Since it looks unfinished, I'm keeping the rating at a 3 until I can see it as a whole. The use of the daydream right at the beginning is a great way to start an erotic story (one which I've never really seen used before, but I like it)
Let me know when you've written more. I'd like the chance to ammend my 3.0 :)
I answered "Less than I expected" because of a lack of a fourth option - Less than I used to.
When I started with this site three years ago, I actually got more reviews than I do now. I'm not sure as to the reasons behind this, but each time I add a new work it seems as though I recieve fewer reviews on it than I did three years ago on a newly posted item. So I expect to get more reviews because of past experience.
Short, but actually a good start. I can see this piece developing significantly with more detail. Perhaps you can add more memories of the sculpture - visual details, or stories where it was present. All in all very well written.
I will comment on a common format error you've made, however - On this site paragraphs are easier to read when you insert an extra paragraph line between paragraphs. It will make this piece easier to read.
There is an interesting duality in this work, relating to the pacing. You use short, simple sentences throughout the work, which rushes the reader, and actually works to your advantage in exciting them, because they get caught in the quickness. However, your pacing becomes rough in the fact that you rush through the story, and it is over before one can even really feel the excitement.
I would suggest starting off slowly, then building to the final climax. Engages the reader more (especially in this genre), and will result in a much more entertaining piece. Vary your sentences, right now it reads in a much younger voice, which both helps and harms the overall work (in the duality that the voice is that of a high schooler, but that it could cause a reader to become more removed if it is percieved too young).
Finally, I would mention sooner that she is a virgin, the way it is inserted into the work makes it jarring, and somewhat destroys the illusion.
All in all, though, it shows great potential, so keep working at it!
This is one of the more exquisite pieces I have ever read on this site. I would think of some way to improve it, but I sure can't see any. Reading "Why Me?" lead me to your portfolio, and I'm glad it did - this was well worth it. I look forward to any new items you'll be adding.
Again - great writing!
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kgirlfae
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 9:17am on May 06, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
