My True Soul

A thought runs through it...

I have had kinda a lot put on my mind the last couple of days. Well, this whole week, but I can handle the other. My father and I fought the other night... well does it count since I kept my mouth shut and ignored him? My parents fought the other night. College stuff partially. And my dad's wanting to open this new business with his brother. Well, things keep shifting around and it's like they want us to pay for half the building, all the phone bills, electricity, etc... there's a lotta stuff and it's really complicated to explain. I love my dad, but, he doesn't really finish things sometimes, my mom knows this too. If he does finish the building and the business starts going, then he's going to quit. So if for some reason, something goes wrong, my mom will be supporting us. She's the one that'll be making a regular income. I think that means she has a right to bring up the facts behind doing what they want. She's the one that'll be responsible for it. She and I talked about that for about 2 hours the other night. I see why my dad wants this so bad, I see that he's thinking about it a lot and he's got a good plan, but, I don't think he honestly sees all the facts. I haven't said much about what I think to them. I do not like it though. I'm going to college in less than a year, it's expensive unless I go to a community college.... my mom said if she had to take out a loan, she'd rather it be for my college than for a building, luckily. Anyway, so there's the business stuff like that. My father has become more set in his ways and he's so much tougher to get through to now. He really pisses me off sometimes because how set in his ways he is. I told my mom that, she said she'd noticed it too... made me feel better. But, she kept talking, she's kinda tired of the stuff he's been doing lately. Which, he hasn't been acting like normal. The last few months have been so... he's so grouchy. Sometimes he'll wake up and he's constantly fussing until he goes to work and stuff. Yelling about one thing or another. It's funny, I can tell you the nights that he was ill and yelling because those homework assignments are awful. I got an essay back, well, I had half of it written before he got up, that part was fine, the part after he got up = momentous mistakes. He bought a kinda sporty car for himself. He got ticked when we fussed about it. His car normally dubs as the family car too. My mom has 2 work cars... one is about dead and the other was bought to replace it. Me, I have a Regal, well, it's fine for 2 people, but the back seat is heck. So, naturally, his Monte Carlo is what we went in. Okay, luckily it has 2 long doors. But it gets old FAST when you have to crawl in and out. Long trips are fine... short trips, I hate. In and out and in and out and in and out... bah. He got so touchy when we said we couldn't stand using it as a family car. (Mid-life crisis??) Anyway, in July we bought my car. It's a Grand Prix SE, I still have the Regal. But now the Grand Prix is the family car.... because unlike my dad, lol, apparently I have good taste. In general. I picked a car that's kinda sporty, kinda not, will not limit me in anyway, and will allow me to grow. I do not know what'll happen in the next 6 years. Now he wishes he would have got a grand prix. I think it's partially because I can smoke him.... lol. It's great when you leave your father behind and he's in the "sporty" car and you're in the "family-like" car. So, then he's been talking about a new motorcycle, he got new wheels for it, blah blah. It's just amazing to me how he's been acting. My mom was talking about laying down the laws to him and if some things didn't change, kicking him out cause she was tired of him. Was talking about how sometimes she can't stand to be around him. That scared me. My parents have been married for 22 years, it'll be 23 this December. That's a long time. That's something I've always thought was amazing. I wish to be that lucky. So, I've had all these thoughts about them and it really bothers me. Maybe ya can see why. But I'll be okay and I'm sure this will blow over. What amazed me more is the one person I'd rather talk to about it is my ex best friend. I guess because even though we don't get along honestly, she knows my family the most. And seems to care.
The college bit about the fight. My father wants me to go to the local college. Okay, yes, it would be easiest, but guess what... since it is the local college, I know the MOST about it. Guess what?! I don't like it! I love their campus and stuff, but, no way, not for a psych major. Their classes for psychology are a joke. Now teaching, nursing, business, hey... there ya go... perfect. Me? No. He had a hissy fit. My mom said that's all he's been saying for 6 months, get me to apply there. He jumped her again last night basically, so she pleaded with me to send in an application so he'd shut up. Then she said that he could pay for the application fee out of his money. He was like why. She told him again because I didn't wanna go there and even if they gave me some money I still wouldn't want to go. He got so pissed then. He came downstairs and said to me "I thought we decided you'd apply there" No, we didn't, apparently he did though. Then he walked off muttering loud enough for me to hear "Fine, doesn't matter to anyone if you could get a full scholarship to go there..." and trust me, he didn't say it that nicely, then I turned up my music and went back to writing my poetry response. The college thing, it baffles me. I talked to my mom about it. She knows I hate the fact that I have NO clue where I'll end up in a year. My dad on the other hand doesn't seem to undersatnd it.... maybe he does, but he doesn't do a good job of showing it.
The last part of what has been on my mind is simple and easy to understand and is cured. I want my gf to be here with me so bad. I've cried so much this week just wanting her and I feel so hollow. I can't breathe and I can't even cry to release the aching. It hurts so bad. That's over with... the feeling is gone thankfully and if she's reading this, she'll know why. I felt so horrible after that stuff the other night and she made everything wonderful. I love her so much. Tonight, it's 2:30 and I miss her so much right now, I'll be okay... but I will have to go look at her pictures and hold the teddy bear she sent to me. I want it to be her. I love her so much that it does literally hurt and if you guys don't know what I mean, then I cannot begin to explain. I am going to write her in a minute. I have nothing of importance to say but to tell her that I really really enjoyed talking to her the other night, that I love her with all my heart, and that I started missing her soon after I woke up this morning. And I guess sometimes, those letters are the best ones to get.

Closing Statements:
Life is complicated and confusing. Love is hard. Laughter is the best medicine. Smiling is a great way to relieve stress. And blushing sucks when you do it for like 3 hours straight and you're not used to EVER blushing that much - one advantage is that your lips get really red and they look fuller.

Closing Quotes:
*so hold me when i'm near, rock me when i'm wrong, hold me when i'm scared, and love me when i'm gone. everything i am, everything in me, wants to be the one you wanted me to be. i'll never let you down, even if i could, i'd give up everything, if only for your good. so hold me when i'm near, rock me when i'm wrong, hold me when i'm scared, i'll always be there* - "When I'm Gone" 3 Doors Down. I love you Sarah...