My True Soul

Blerg, how love is, MSU, & B-ball.

Have you ever felt so disappointed in yourself for one reason or another that you feel lost. And you begin to wonder why you ever really liked yourself? Or how anyone else could like you or even begin to love you? That's kinda how I feel... well, yea, it is how I feel. I look at myself and I hate how I look. Think I'm so ugly and disgusting and I have no idea why some people say that I am anything other than that. Yes, I realize, this is typical. Sometimes though, I sink into all time lows. And I begin to hate everything about myself and I act so bad towards people I shouldn't. Right now, it's taking a bit for me not to do that. I guess why I haven't is because I've slept so much lately. I'm either busy doing something, out with friends, at school, or talking to Sarah to really think a lot. But with 2 weeks of (actually much needed) vacation... I'm afraid that I'm gonna go into that low and stay there. Wallow around for a few days probably anyways. I feel like punishing myself for being as I am. And yes, if you're reading this, I'm aware that this is not good to feel this way. After all, I am the one wanting to be a psychologist. I should be happy with who I am. And in some cases, I actually am. But sometimes it's like having a huge red mark in the middle of a neat essay.... no matter how well you like the rest.... all you see is the red. And then the red begins to spread and it covers the whole page and you think all of it's complete crap. I think that's pretty accurate of my feelings. And I never in my life will understand why Sarah loves me. Or why anyone else I've dated ever liked me or possibly loved me. I will never understand why my parents say they do and why I feel so much like they don't. However, there's a voice in me right now... it's not as loud as I want it to be, but it's stern. It's telling me that I need to make a change in my life. And my brain is starting to make plans, come up with ideas, to make my mind do what that voice is saying.
Almost every waking moment, I think about Sarah. I know, maybe that's sad. I have never loved anyone as I love her, including my parents. Before, I thought I was in love, but ya know... I wasn't. I still loved my parents more. If my house had of caught fire, I wouldn't have grabbed the things that they sent to me. Now, if that happened, I'd get the necklace Sarah sent... there's one in particular one, she knows which one and most of my friends do. I wore it on her birthday this year, in honor of it being her birthday, especially her 16th birthday. That's what I'd grab, something that wasn't mine, but the one thing in my room that really really really matters to me. The part of Sarah I can hold. I have never felt what I did the last week. And sometimes, it really scares me. I have never been in a relationship like this, I have never been in love like this, I have NEVER dreamed of a love like I have for her, I have never been this connected to one other person, so many fears.... so many "what ifs" but when I hear her voice, read her words, it all floats away and none of it matters. She was teasing me about what I knew. I told her this: I don't know much, but when I really do know something, I am sure about knowing it. That was the truth. I know that I want her in my life forever. I don't know how - friends or lovers. I do know how I want it to be, but, that's not entirely my decision. But I do know I want her there with me. She's really amazing and everything I've ever wanted. She's so adorable and funny and... *sighs* I won't go on cause I know and that's what matters. Plus you guys that do read this are prolly about to gag and such. Believe it or not, I was anti-love, anti-mushy, blah blah. I hated the romance stuff. And now look at me. And NEVER say you won't be like this. Cause one day, the most amazing guy or girl will come along and without realizing it, you begin to be like this. I guess at heart, I am and will always be a true romantic.
And speaking of Sarah. I constantly find people who remind me of her or her friends... maybe I just want to find someone because it gives me someone to look at or something... I don't know why. They're never anything like them really. Hannah reminds me of Sarah due to some small reasons. But, Hannah looks obviously French.... and just... she's cool.... and she's kinda like Sarah in some ways. The biggest thing was her hair and the glasses. So, I go searching for someone else, doubtful I'll find anyone else. There is this adorable girl (like 7th grade, but she is cute.... way way too young) and I noticed. It's like "Hey, she's really adorable..." but something was there.... it was like... I don't know. You look at something and it looks familiar to you, but you just don't really think about it. Until one day, when you're not paying attention really, it reaches out and slaps you across your face with an extremely strong hand and you feel SO stupid! This girl, has curly hair.... but... that's not just it. It's the facial shape, forehead, cheeks, distance between the eyes, the nose.... egh. Slight differences of course, but... they could be related, easily. It's so, just... mind boggling. And I see this girl and Sarah flashes into my mind. Then I sit and drive myself crazy with all my thoughts of Sarah, lol. But I enjoy it.
So, there's one more thing I'm thinking about. And I really need some advice on it. I need to ask someone who's Pagan.... so... if by chance any of you are, drop me a line, please.
My parents seem to be alright now. They aren't fighting anymore, thankfully. That really scared me.
I have to take the ACT this weekend. I'm kinda nervous. But I'm just gonna take it and do my best. I didn't have a clue what was gonna be on it the first time - 22. I took the practice tests and didn't worry about it - 27. I studied and worried about it - 26. So, lol. For the last 12 weeks, I've been in a class where we take stuff like the ACT. I've been in AP English. And I've been taking Adv. Math and Physics. So, lol, lots of practice. I'm not studying for it on my own, I'm not worrying about it and I'm aiming for a 30. Getting plenty of sleep that night and actually eating that morning. It's 12:13 am right now. I almost look at the clock everyday around this time. Either AM or PM.
Jake has just made me feel better. We're talking about colleges, he seems so confident that I can get money to go. I really hope so. I want so badly to go to Washington. I told him I was looking at MSU and he's like "I thought you were going to Washington" I really hope I am. But, I can't plan on it, because I don't know if my parents can afford it. So, I have to look elsewhere too. But *crosses fingers* maybe I can do it. If not, then MSU seems cool. I just went to Austin Peay State this weekend. I wasn't really impressed. It sounded alright though. But it was just like the local college, which I don't wanna go to. I felt really sorry for this one girl. She really wants to go to TUNA to be a teacher (it's a great school for teachers and for nurses), but, she can't because of the out-of-state, so she was looking into APSU. Places keep being kicked off my list and then I add some... lol. Top pick is Central Washington. They have what I want, they seem to have a good program, and they seem to be willing to help you get into a career after you graduate, which is great. Anyways though. I don't have anything else to do really, I don't feel like sitting here anymore, I don't feel like staying up anymore... lol. Crap, I still have to study for a Vocab test. Oh well, I'll study for it while I watch TV - cartoons - Shrek. Some movie... lol. I'm kinda in the mood for a cartoon movie. There was some movie I really wanted to watch the other night, but I don't remember now. I really wanna talk to Sarah on the phone. But, not gonna happen. So I'll prolly watch those movies, study, and the cry myself to sleep around 3 am. Then get up at 6:30 and start it over again. At least I get out, lol.
I'm gonna sign up for basketball... that should be good for me. I love b-ball. I wanna start running this week. May start tomorrow. I'll be playing forward probably this year... been a while since I played forward. But I'm the tallest on the team now I think. Before, 5'7" has never been tall enough, lol... go figure. Anyways. Night.