My True Soul

Masks, Basketball, and Rings

I begin to wonder somedays who really knows me and who doesn't This morning, we were talking about a friend who's grandmother just passed away from cancer. Wondering if she'd be at school or not. Yes, I said that she'd probably take today off. One of my friends gave me an evil go to hell look. It was as if she thought I meant that our friend was gonna take advantage of the situation. And if she thought that, then it's obvious she doesn't know me well. I've had 2 grandfathers, a step-grandfather, a grandmother, and an uncle die, most of them from cancer. I am not about to be mean to someone who has went through ANY family member having cancer, especially those that close. It's a horrible way to die normally and it hurts to see your family member with it. I'm not always nice and I guess I do act like a bi*** sometimes... but not with that. I keep people away from knowing the real me normally. I don't want them to know the real me. They instead know a mask that only partially resembles me. I've found that when some people find out the true me, they don't like it for one reason or another and they reject me worse than normal.

Last night I had basketball practice, it went wonderfully. I really enjoyed myself... I played because I loved it and because it made me feel better instead of playing cause I had to. I need to keep that in my mind, I do better. Basketball is one of my releases in life. Same with music. I love basketball. I can talk about it like I can talk about Cars. With music, I think there's just too many types I like for me to be able to talk so much about it. I'm listening to Garbage right now... I love them. They're in my top 5 bands probably. 3 Doors Down, Godsmack, Kansas, Garbage, 12 Stones/Everclear. My basketball team, there's so much potential... lol. Jessica plays really well, Linzee is a good motivator/leader, Kat is a decent guard, Vina is small and quick and willing to learn to play better, Ashley - well... she's got height... =/ she could be so much better tho and she's trying, so that's okay! Baylee is a decent player, Ali could be better if she'd just work the ball some more instead of trying for 3-point shots so much. I'm excited about my game this weekend, wanna see how we do. I think the 8th grade girl that looks like Sarah is playing Y-ball... not sure. Seeing her so much, it just, god I wish she was Sarah. I would so love that. Have Sarah be at my school... lol... well then again that could potentially be a bad thing... *winks* I know that between us and how sneaky we are... we'd probably end up meeting each other and kissing somewhere, holding hands/touching too much and someone seeing all of it. Course the thrill of being able to kiss her with that potential would be a rush... lol... but I think one day, I'd be talking to her, look at her lips and just not be able to resist kissing her. Most of the school would faint, the rest would be like "I KNEW IT!!!" Then my/our friends would prolly come running and stand around us to protect us from the homophobs, lol. Anyway though. It's like everytime I see the 8th grader I think about Sarah... er... it's like no matter how good the fake is, it'll never be the original. *=) --- thought that one up by myself, lol.

New subject matter and if you guys read this, then feel free to comment. Since August I've been planning on asking Sarah to consider marrying me, if things go well when I go see her. I say consider because I know when I ask her, it'll be her first time to be around me and she does not have to decide right then if she will or not. I'd absolutely love for her to say yes then, but I do not want her to feel rushed or pressured. I'd wait my entire life for her if she needed that much time. This is what I've thought about sometimes when I haven't said much more... cause I don't know if she reads my journals or not. LoL, probably not considering most of them are talking about her whom she already knows. But, she knows now, so it doesn't matter. This is what feels right to me... to ask her. And if she says no, then that's okay, I want her to have the ring to remember me with. Of course, she's never getting rid of me, so, maybe the remembering is pointless... maybe I should say I want her to have the ring so she'll remember that no matter what, I love her. Yeah, that makes more sense. I'm nervous about it of course and I can't believe I of all people fell in love and had someone fall in love with me that is as amazing as she is. I'm scared because through what I do, a wedding photographer's assistant, I see couples get married and it not last... I want my marriage to last. I've thought about marrying her since we'd been 'going out' for 2 months. Maybe that's silly, but, I've never felt that. When I was going out with my ex, she'd mention marriage and I just could not see it or feel it. With Sarah, I see coming home when I'm in my late 20s/30s, hugging her, kissing her, cuddling with her and just can feel the whole vibe from being around her. I can have detailed daydreams about a future life with Sarah. My ex talked about moving here when she turned 16, it scared me... oh gosh, it did. Her moving down here and getting a job and us living together... woo, scared me, lol. Now, Sarah, if she said she was going to move here, I'd be all for it and try to figure out ways to get her or us a place to live if she couldn't live with me. She's hinted at it a few times, I'm all for it. But both of us know, realisticly, it'll be easier just to wait as much as the waiting sucks. I want to wake up in the future, sun shining in my bedroom, look between my arms and see/feel Sarah and be filled with the pure happiness I get now just from listening to her sleep. Then wake her up gently and look into her blue-grey eyes knowing that my day, no matter what goes on, will be good because of where I am right now. LoL, and talking about this makes me sleepy. It makes me giddy and content, then it makes me relax cause I feel comfortable and safe talking about this, then I get sleepy. I kinda found a ring tonight I liked, I'm gonna go to the store prolly this weekend and see if they have one and see if it looks as pretty as it does in the picture. There was one ring I really really liked, it was $999.99 on sale... it is originally $2500... I love Sarah and if she wants a ring like that, then I will get it for her, but right now, I can't afford it... =/ I was thinking about buying one of the plastic rings from the lil 50 cent machines and asking her to marry me with it. =) Then if she said yes, giving her the real ring, lol... hrm. Who knows what I'll do.