My True Soul

18th Birthday

Today's my birthday, normally I wouldn't write, but I have thoughts going through my mind at the moment. I've been thinking, (OH NO), mostly about my life again, and especially today. I can be sad cause I'm not talking to Sarah or I can be happy because I am with her and I love her. I just had a feeling come over me totally reassuring myself of how I feel. It is a big step when ya decide you'd like to ask someone to marry you, no matter how sure you are. For the last several months, that's all I have done, is go over and over and over it in my mind, in my heart, everything. With most people, if I honestly was around them all the time, I would go psycho, I don't like committment really, I've known this for years. And I don't know, maybe I'm the only person like this. But I can literally see and feel and dream about my future. It might not be the truth, but it sure as heck is a good sign to see this. With Jenna, she talked about marriage and she was really flirty trying to get me to be. I could not see being with her really, could not see getting married, could not see our relationship lasting for a long time, nothing, zip, zero, nada. Marriage when she said it scared me, when she said anything about us living together, it was scary to me, I definitely didn't have lil warm fuzzy happy bunnies bouncing around inside. Sarah it's a complete opposite. I do get numerous lil warm fuzzy happy bunnies bouncing around all over and all around. I have gotten scared with Sarah, it is scary when you realize you've never ever been this open to anyone, and you realize how badly you could get hurt. That was not her, it was me. She took my hand basically and/or carried me over that and held me through it... that's what she did when I got scared. She told me it was okay. When I'm sad, she makes me happy. And I'm still scared as hell about asking her to marry me, but today, I found new confidence. And as much as I miss her and as much as it hurts sometimes to think about how much I love her... today, it's not hurting. Today, I've found more of myself and what I want from this life. And as today would be 22 months and 2 days... I hope one day I will be looking at her and saying "And as today would be 2 decades and 2 years... I only love you more as each second passes"


"Nothing will make you completely happy until you are happy with yourself" - Coach Clemmons