My True Soul

Living Here

I talked to Carmel again the other night. I've decided, she's probably one of the best buds I have and she doesn't even live here or do I talk to her much, but she understans what I mean. We were talking about being 18 and going to college. And then about our friends cause she asked me if Amanda and I were talking, I told her we talked, but didn't really trust one another much. Then we talked about how we would like to get away from the towns we live in. But how most of our friends think their world is no bigger than the close cities in which we live, we get ill. Now, I said this and she agreed - "I don't want to live somewhere that I am expected to believe a certain way and where I can barely be who I am." I feel like I keep hitting my head against the ceiling and I can't break through. But what scares me, is she thinks it isn't diverse enough when she lives in and around one of the most diverse places in the United States. =/ And neither one of us wanna be stuck watching all our friends have children and doing nothing with our lives because we did nothing with ours. I understand her thirst.

Why is it people believe the KKK still is very popular where I live? It really kinda annoys me. Yes, there are KKK people everywhere, not just in the south. But it's not like it was at one time, things change, people change, places change, read your history books towards the end of the book a little closer. I hate the KKK and everything they stand for. All my classmates feel the same to my knowledge. And just because we had the KKK here and slavery was big here does not mean we support it now. The Civil War was not completely fought over slavery, it was fought over state's right. Read government stuff, you'll understand more. The confederate flag is not a symbol of racism anymore, not to most RATIONAL people here in the south. It is a symbol of heritage. That is our past. Just, gosh. People, it gets old when you hear it all your life, trust me.

What else "burns my biscuits" so to speak is how people from the south are treated and you will not understand this unless you have been in this situation. We open our mouths and when people hear our accents, they seem to want to deduct about 20 iq points. We have the most apparent accent of all the people in the United States and yes, I admit, we talk slow, and we sound like we have a problem thinking of the words. I know how we sound, cause our accents vary, I can listen and hear a difference. I have a theory, talking fast requires energy, and when it's 100 degrees Fareinheit, you do NOT want to waste energy, so we're all very laid back and take our time when doing about anything. It's 20 degrees F, yeah, you want to use energy cause it produces heat... so yea, talk fast! It sucks to come from the south. You tell people where you're from and they think you're white trash, a redneck, racist, a holy roller (so that one is truthful more often), stupid, or inbred. Or sometimes some of them hear you speak and think all of that just from how you say your words.

However, I must state what my government teacher said. He said all the beautiful girls lived in the south or came from the south. Alright, many of the girls here are beautiful, I won't deny that. But guess what? They all look the same! In fact, it's so bad that sometimes I can't tell you if I've saw this one girl cause there are so many who look so similiar. Maybe there are more beautiful girls in the south, but so many seem to be copycats. I know that the northern girls all seem to be different. Plus, personality wise, eh, the southern girls who are so pretty are also so naive and mean so it seems. So I'll take my northern girl with the wonderful personality who I think is adorable and beautiful and be perfectly content. He did say something really wise, he told the guys not to go after a girl who wasn't smart cause one day her looks will go and the attraction will become less and less and what'll matter is her personality. Don't marry someone who can't keep you mentally attracted to them. I love Sarah's personality and mind, I love hearing her tell stories, how she can read my mind, know how I feel, know everything, I love her sssooo much for that. She's interesting and she's smarter than I am. I can see being with her when she's old, wrinkly, gray-headed, and still being in love with her and thinking she's beautiful. And people, following that advice is the smartest thing ever. Don't fall in love with anyone and let the physical aspects be the # 1 thing you love about them.

My friend's father just passed away, on my birthday actually. He never did say anything about it to us. Just acted as if everything was normal. Really think he's in shock. But I didn't go to the funeral/visitation for a lot of reasons. I hate funerals, I've went through about 7. All but one died of cancer, I hate cancer. My grandfather died 11 years ago on the 15th. Everything about death has been brought up and now I'm remembering all these memories that bring back more memories than normal and I feel like I'm drowning in them. I hate funerals, I don't cry at them anymore. I hate Christmas cause of these memories, I don't care about Christmas. I told Sarah that tonight, the only thing I look forward to is Christmas with her cause I love her so much. She told me it'd change when we spent Christmas together, that she'd help me make new memories. I would have crawled into her arms at the moment and just sat hugging her. She is the only hope for me in the future.


I got the picture from Sarah today. It was her school picture. She is so adorable. Her eyes are so amazingly beautiful, I told her that so many times. I told her I don't normally like blue eyes cause so many people want them or have them... but hers are so beautiful.