Life as we know it sucks

Feelings Emerge

Current Mood: sad

Current Music: none

I wrote Jacob an email last night. I want him to know how I feel.

 Jacob,
         I seriously feel empty without you.
         I feel neglected just because Kelly's coming back.
         I feel unloved when you said you loved me.


         ........That's how you fucked with me.



I can't believe I actually sent him that. He'll probably get all pissy and yell at me. "You have a boyfriend!" Yea, but I want him. I'll always want him. I'll always have this nagging feeling that I'm supposed to be with him. And I stay with Shane because I like him - but not just because of that. Also because I know Jacob wouldn't give me the time of day now. He told me he'd never pick Kelly over me.

He lied.

Everytime, though, that I am angry or upset or depressed and Shane calls, I perk up. That's another reason I stay with Shane. He doesn't depress me, he impresses me. Tonight, he asked whether or not I would cry if we didn't talk anymore. I didn't answer him. I dunno whether I would. Because right now, I'm not in the greatest mood. It's not a wrong time to have a boyfriend, I don't think . . . It's actually nice. Because Shane treats me right. Shane makes me happy.

. . . . There's just one thing. I want Jacob. I want that boy more than I want to die. I love that boy more than I love my dog. I could let him go, I just want to give it one more chance. I want to see where I really stand. I have to konw. This is my soul mate, people. He is the one I'm made for. He's my match. My everything . . .

Shane just seems to be here to exalt my spirits. It sounds awful, but it's true. I don't know what would happen if he dumped me . . . I know he probably will dump me. He'll get sick of my bitching. And I will be undesirable once again. <sigh>

--------------------------------------------
but i threw you the obvious,
just to see if there's more behind you.
eyes of a fallen angel,
eyes of a tragedy
but i see,
see through it all.
see through, see you