My True Soul

My inner fight

Here's what has been going through my mind since about 2 am today. I finally took time to write it to one of my friends, hopefully she won't mind me just using what I wrote her. And if you read this, welcome to more truth about me than you've ever known.


I won't get any better if it doesn't sink in within my own inner mind. My outer mind knows all this... I shouldn't be so hard on myself, no one can be perfect, it's not healthy to be this way, I shouldn't hate myself. But inside of me, at my core, I do not let this sink in, I keep it pushed away.

I've been like this for 13 years. Where did it start? Why did I start feeling this way?
The only interaction I had when I was young was with my parents and some family members. Except for a boy that was about 15 that lived close, but come on, I was like 3 then. And he was the one who ended up showing me his penis when I was that old and making me touch it and wanting me to play with it. I know that's affected me. It makes me think of sex as a bad thing and makes me so unbelievably uncomfortable talking about it, I've gotten so much better about that because of Sarah, but....still.... I would be so scared if she tried to do much to me. I'm tired of hiding what happened with that guy, Sarah was the only one who knew til now. My dad, he's a jackass sometimes. When I was younger, he'd get upset with me and he'd yell and he really lowered my self-esteem then. He worked at night when I was young, just like now, but the work was even more tiring...so he'd always be grouchy or be yelling. And I'm sorry, but that does get to you, when every night or most every night someone's yelling about things, about you, because of you, and all. That's when I started learning that I should try to do things so perfectly, then there'd be no reason for him to yell at me, there'd be nothing wrong. Then I started school, I felt like I had to make the best possible grade, mostly As just ot have my parents love me. If I messed up, they wouldn't love me. When I did make mistakes, they never calmly talked to me about it at first. They just yelled, then they'd talk about it after they had me so upset. Taught me not to cry, that crying was bad, it only made them scream at me more. My dad would drink some, not much at all, I'm not saying that. I just remember him drinking and during that time, he'd always be so rude and so mean and I remember that stuff, it was my dad, it hurts coming from him. Carmel told me that if he was going to say stuff like that, then he shouldn't matter, that I shouldn't listen, but she understand that it still stings when they do stuff like that.

I went through most of my younger life trying to be the perfect daughter. Crapit, I remember even more reasons why I'm like this. I always wondered why I was an only child, most all my friends had brothers or sisters. Well, I asked and then I found out I was the only one born out of 5 attempts and it was just because of luck basically. That put another thing on me that makes me want to be perfect. I'm their only child, I was the only one born, I have to do something great, I can't let them down, I have to be perfect. That's a huge thing, it's just so instilled in me that I forget about it.

And I thrive off guilt. It fuels the hatred I have for myself. I will find guilt and use it to make myself feel worse, to punish myself, to make myself hate myself more. If it has anything to do with me and it's negative, then I use it to punish myself with. I take it and tell myself that I shouldn't have done it, should have done it, should have done it better, or that I over did it, whatever way it needs to go. No wonder it's so hard for Sarah to tell me things, it doesn't matter how she says it, I'll find some way to turn it into something bad about me or whatever. And it's even worse with her and for her. If I can see how I caused her any pain or messed up with her, it's worse with anyone else cause I care about her the most, I care about her more than my parents. And then, she cares about me and loves me, yet she can't tell me anything cause I think she doesn't like seeing me use what she's said to make myself loathe myself even more. That's like the times where she's taken what I've said and put it into the worst possible way, I know how that feels, yet I can't stop myself from doing it.

Instead of being externally pissed off, I'm internally pissed off. I keep all my feelings bottled inside, all the bigs ones, cause it fuels that. And I live off of it. It's the only way I know to live, is to keep the core like that. While on the outside, I don't do that, I let things go, I act like I'm so laid back...and I kinda am, I'm understanding of everyone but myself. I accept most everything about everyone else except for myself. That's where it gets really confusing, cause I am 2 different people. Sarah's the first person who's really got into that core and it's hurting her to be there, yet, I know I want her there...but I keep forgetting why now. I keep thinking it'd be so much easier just to let her go, just to let her be with someone else, cause that way, she wouldn't have to put up with me. She wouldn't get hurt. I keep thinking it'd be easier just to give up completely, just let everything go, but you know what? That's probably one reason I've never went through with killing myself, I don't think I deserve to be let off the hook easily, I think I deserve to go through life and suffer and when there's nothing to suffer because of, I find something. I don't understand why she loves me. I don't understand why she chooses to. I don't see what possible good in me that she sees. The only thing that I can halfway say is that she probably knows that I am going to love her for the rest of my life. But then, I do a great job showing that I love her, don't I now? I know I have to learn to understand or see something about how she feels about me. I could ask her and I may need to ask her, but now, I need to figure it out for myself first. I don't need to depend on her to tell me. I do not know how long it will take before I see anything though.

Carmel was right about Sarah I think. And Sarah's said it always hurts more the more you love someone. People determine how much they care about you and Carms was right, I'm lucky to have her care so much. But, I don't think I deserve her love, don't think I deserve to have anyone care that much about me. She said it's not me hurting Sarah but it's the care she has for me. And that it isn't who deserves whom as it is who chooses to love whom. I don't think I deserve her, but I still choose to love her, even now. Even after anything and everything. I always will love her until I die...the love might change, but, it'll be there.


Then there's the whole self-injury thing. I did it yesterday. I don't cut nor do I burn. And since those are really popular, I tend to think that what I do is okay. Since not so many people hit themselves to cause pain, I seem to think it's okay. I know it's not. I even know how it is to have a friend doing it. Yet, I still think it's okay for me to do it. It releases chemicals that make you feel better whenever you hit your head, it's like "brain is under attack, must try to fend off all pain" and then after that, you've got a really bad headache that last for a long time that causes pain. And of course, if you know anything about self-injury, the people think they deserve it. Thus, I think I deserve it, but I don't think others do.

I really am in a whacked up situation. I've got all my lil problems, yet, I know it's wrong for others to feel this way. That they shouldn't. I see the wonderful things with them, I see how great they are, but I don't see great things with me, I don't see good, I don't really see okay things, nor average. My whole entire self feels like an D or an F. I'm really really good at being able to put on a mask, so damn good that I even believe it myself. Kat told me it was really amazing how fast I can cover things up. Cause the other day I told her I'd have to show her the pictures some other time, well, these were pictures of Sarah, and Amanda was there... she doesn't know about Sarah, so she asks me "what pictures?" "graduation pictures, Kat hasn't saw them yet" so, that was the truth, Kat hasn't saw them, but it was so easy just for me to switch that. I do that and yeah, no wonder Sarah thinks I lie to her all the time. She asked me if I ever just agreed with her to make her feel smarter/better, I don't. She normally doesn't speak up until she is right, then she makes a point that you can't argue with.

So, this is pretty much all that I've figured out so far. Those are my thoughts. Yet, I still am not getting anywhere as far as changing all this. But, I'm thinking that I need to understand why I am the way I am and the things I do before I can get a way to change them, but that's where I need help. Is making me see that I should treat myself as I treat others. I could try to do it on my own and struggle through it as I normally would, but I know if I got some help, that it'd go faster. And maybe I should see a counselor, I'm not really sure at the moment. But, I see that as taking another month just to open up enough to them to talk about everything. That's why I have such a problem with the ones that perscribe pills right when the patient first comes there. And I do not want to be taking anti-depressants, I don't agree with that. If I want to get better, then I have to change it from within.

I do need some help but I realize that I have to do this own my own. I need a few pushes and shoves every now and then though.