My True Soul

Installment 2: Ages 7-12

I've went through a whole day now since my first thoughts of changing myself. I really haven't gotten any farther. I've just been waiting for something to click, I'm hoping that when and if I talk to my friend, she might be able to ask me something that makes something click.

I identified all the biggest reasons why I started feeling that way when I was younger. I guess it might be time to go to the point where I was a little older. My grandfather dying really sucked cause he died on my birthday. Other than that, it was just my first brush with death. My family fought a lot of the time when I was little. I've never had much faith even in those people who are supposed to be related to me. I don't think that blood is thicker than water otherwise. I haven't ever been in a really loving family and that's always going to affect me. Most of my family doubts that I can do anything good with my life and sometimes it's easy to think they're right. It's an odd conflict, I listen to them and of course I want to believe them cause it's something bad about me, but one part of me, my perfectionism makes me be like "You can do better than what they think, prove them wrong"

My Uncle on my mom's side has said some nasty things about me. Called me names related to my physical appearance and also insulted my mom pretty badly. Irony in this, my dad stood up for us. That's something that I always remember. Someone who was supposed to love me stabbed me in the back basically.

My other Uncle on my mom's side passed away when I was in 3rd grade. (My grandfather on my mom's side died about a year and 2 months later) My grandfathers both died from cancer along with my uncle. It's a horrible sight when you watch your family members suffer with cancer. When they're laying in bed and their skin is really green or really yellow. It's as if you can see the cancer eating them.

This uncle though, he had one of the biggest hearts of all my family members. He reminded me a lot of my friend Eric. He always thought people were good, always tried to do the best he could to help them, to help animals, even when it compromised his own health. He kept giving and giving, even when he had nothing to give really. He took in people he didn't know, he kept people from comitting suicide, he rescued my mom when she was caught between her parents fighting and if they got violent. He looked like Santa Claus and he was jolly like Santa Claus. I remember how he smelled...it wasn't like a great smell, but it was him, it was my Uncle Larry. And now, I look back, I see what an amazing man he really was and I wish he would have lived longer, I wish I would have known him better or something. I wish he was back. He kept my mom's family together, he was the glue. He was what kept the only sense of family I've ever felt. I really miss him.

After that was when all the stuff came along with my grandmother. I spent most all my time up until I was 12 hanging around my grandmother and grandfather that live here. Then my grandmother and my dad got into it. For a long time I blamed myself for them fighting. But then I realized there was so much other stuff that had went on that it was impossible for me to have been the only reason for them to fight like that. It was like there was so much tension and I was the straw that broke the camel's back. She didn't have anything to do with me and my family for 6 years. And I say just "she" and not "they" because my grandfather had already died. Well, my other grandmother and step-grandfather passed away 2 years later. I've always regretted the time I spent with that one grandmother when I could have gotten to know the other 2 so much better.

I have more to add... but I don't feel like it tonight