My True Soul

The first of many tests

I didn't feel like writing anymore last night, but I have plenty more to write about. I'm going to go into what happened today because continuing with my family will take even longer and my eyes are already getting heavy.

I stayed up late last night talking to my friend Ali about everything that's went on. I really didn't bring in the stuff about Sarah too much because she's one of my friends who thinks that Sarah is actually a guy named Scott. That makes things weird cause I can trust her enough to tell her all that other stuff while I can't trust her enough to tell her the truth about my sexual preferences. Anyways, we talked about my parents. She is one of the few who did not tell me that my parents weren't that bad or that I shouldn't feel like I do. She instead talked to me about all of it. I started thinking, my parents were the beginning to all of this and if that's true, then they may be the end of it all. She said it sounded like a good theory. So, I'm thinking I look at the last 18 years, I anaylze it all, understand how I shouldn't blame myself for bad things. She thinks I should talk to my parents about it all, I really don't like that idea. Anyways though, she really did help me and something clicked while I was talking to her last night. I've been thinking through it all day. I really do need to write some more about my family, but at the moment, I'm so sleepy. Afterall, it's only 1:30 am and I did work today, which brings me to how that went.

It was my worst day at work ever. I made the biggest mistake I've ever made and I'm not exagerrating that. My dad found out moments before the ceremony that he wasn't allowed to take flash pictures (pictures that require flash) except for a few. He tells me that since my camera doesn't have the flash hooked to it, that I'll have to take the pictures. (If you allow the camera's shutter to close really slow, it'll allow more light in, and you won't need the flash) Anyways, so the camera's set up to how it needs to be, as far as I know. I go to take the first picture and it won't work, I keep pressing the button and nothing. I start getting kinda frantic then, but I decided that I'd try everything I could think of. I moved the F-stop, I checked everything I knew to check. I checked the counter to see if it was on frame 1 (the first picture) and it indicated it was. I was thinking maybe that the button got bumped to "off" so I made sure it was completely turned on. The whole ceremony passes, I get no shots at all. My dad comes up, it turns out that the film hadn't quite made it to frame 1 like it was showing. I felt really bad and really low. But I thought "this is a good time to try to stop from doing what I normally would". I had the strong urge to hit my head and to just beat myself up. But I went through my head and got myself to start thinking and start realizing that everyone makes mistakes, that there was a way out of this one, that it could be fixed, that it was okay. Everything I should have done before. I calmed down finally. I didn't hit myself, I didn't punish myself like I normally would have. I tried to cope with it like I should be and not like I would have and I did a pretty good job. Of course I still felt like beating myself, but the important thing is, I didn't...I fought against it and won.

I told Jess this tonight. She said she was proud of me, as corny as that may sound, but that many people wouldn't really try to change something, but I was. It made a difference to me. I know others support me, but sometimes I need something more than silent support. That made me feel like I was doing something right. And I think a lot of Jess, so that added to the meaning of her saying it.

I also talked to Sarah last night. I told her I had a really bad day at work but I didn't beat myself up for it. She said she was glad I hadn't. It was nice for her to say something that let me know she cared.

I guess this was the first test of many.

Will continue later.