My True Soul

Installment 3: Ages 12-14

You know, I really don't feel like going to bed tonight. Not just yet and I was so looking forward to going to bed early.

I still have a lot of stuff to work through. Right now, all I can think about is what I found out. People think you don't pay attention to them when you do. They think you don't know and you do.
AAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Okay, I feel some better, even tho I can't physically scream.

I got to the point in my life where my grandmother did as she did. So from then, it was just my parents and I. We kinda had stuff to do with my dad's brother and sister, but eventually, that kinda stopped. It gets to this point where the innocence from your childhood is removed and you start to truly see people as they are and doesn't that suck in a way? When you see people's worst too and no longer see the good as easily.

I went through 7th grade, I don't remember the bad stuff there, I mostly remember being so tired during football season with band and all. Oh, nother key aspect that happened in 7th grade. That was the first year I had PE where you had to change clothes and all. The oldest girls were in 9th grade and ya know, they had mostly developed and all. I couldn't help but to stare at their chest, I'd look away, and go back to it. I'd fine myself thinking about what it'd be like to touch their chest, to hold them, to take these girls in my arms...then I realized, hey, no, I'm not supposed to be thinking about that. So I made myself stop feeling, stop thinking about that, must focus only on guys. That brought about the feelings that I wasn't normal, that I was wrong, that I was screwed up. Cause I'd never been taught it was okay to be bisexual, to be homosexual. I'd only heard how disgusting it was for 2 girls to be together or 2 guys and how it was wrong and unnatural. (Speaking now, after meeting Sarah...it feels wonderful to hold a girl and it feels perfectly right and natural to me)

Then came 8th grade. You know, I really wonder how many girls hit 8th grade and start having some serious problems or something that really affects them? I had a nice group of friends, the type you can look around and you think "I'll be hanging out with them until we graduate" or so you think. Right, well, that didn't work. They all started changing, I suppose we weren't cool enough to be around them anymore and we got dropped. I say we cause there were a few of my current friends who were my friends then. Amanda could have went with them, but she chose to stay around with me. I don't really know why, but, whatever. The rest of 8th grade was a blast after the breaking up with friends things...I mean, it was a blast as far as friends went. The friend thing, I've always felt like it was completely me that they hated and that's why and I blamed it on myself and how I looked, once again. My self-esteem wasn't that great then.

Then we have the other parts of 8th grade. Where I'd get picked on everyday, I mean, what kid doesn't, right? But here I am, going through a lot of changes, worried about starting high school - even though I don't have to go to a new building - and I get picked on everyday. It gets to you after a while. Amanda starts noticing guys more and more and more and that's all she cares about anymore. It was constantly her going on and on about this one guy while I just wanted to talk about stuff. Then one day, I guess it's not as important as I made it out to be then, but still. I'd went to school, been insulted one way or another all day, felt awful in every way, then I get in the car that afternoon with my dad and he started yelling at me, telling me how stupid I was, telling me all sorts of stuff. After all of it, it didn't take much. This is when I'd really started banging my head against stuff, hitting stuff, I didn't care anymore. I didn't think I had anyone out there for me and I was so sick of it all. Tired of all the fighting my parents did, tired of being picked on, tired of being yelled at for no reason by my dad, everything. I stayed locked in my room, in my bathroom, for about 2 hours, just crying. I'd already written several suicide notes before this time, but this time, I didn't bother. I didn't think about cutting or hanging or taking pills. Thought about going and getting a gun, that being the end. No worrying what if it didn't work, what if this, none of it. Went to get the gun, see it, almost get it and about that time, something clicked. Slumped down into the floor then and started crying again. I didn't do it obviously.

Then at the end of the school year, I gave into the whole "not liking girls thing" cause I started liking a girl named Jessica. Amanda also got her first boyfriend then. And then she dumped him. Then she found another guy. In which, she was completely consumed with. It was impossible to get her attention when he was around or she was talking to him. So, started being more depressed and all and my best friend ignoring me didn't help. Then there was this Josh Park guy who was so sweet and all and we'd talk and he asked me to "go out with him" and what the heck... he was nice and a country boy. That lasted all of 2 weeks. It was silly, I don't think it really ever mattered.

During all this time there's a guy who's 3 years older than me who actually did like me. He was like 16 and a senior in HS or freshman in college...really smart. Mino Vega A---- Arison. Anyway, so...he was really cool and but that just went all wrong and I wonder now what woulda happened if things hadn't of went wrong, but then again...he was a punk. Oh well.

Then there was Michael. He was the first guy I ever felt something about. He was dark hair, dark eyes, dark skin, tall, and not skinny. He was sweet and protective and would stand up for a girl's rights. That went kinda well for 2 months, then nothing, and it hurt. One day he was just like "yeah, well, there's this girl I really like" and that was it. So, sense then, I've been really insecure about relationships and I get jealous more so now. After him, I promised not to think about anyone else in a romantic manner until I was 16 and I almost made that. I just felt like I wasn't worthy of having romantical love, that no one would ever really want me, it hurt to much, and there was no point in trying to find love. (K, obviously, if you have read any of my other journal entries, you know I'm so mushy it's not even funny...but that's now, this was then.) Thus you get to the point where I started planning to never marry anyone and to just live in a huge house with a bunch of cats and scare the neighborhood kids. I didn't think I deserved to have the happy ever after life

But, I'll continue that later, it's almost 4 am, I must go to bed.