My True Soul

Thoughts for the day

I'm thinking that maybe I might be able to finish going through all my past very soon. First of all, I'm going to write what I've been thinking about. I really don't care about who reads this, just, whatever.

The other night my dad starts getting really upset over college and stuff. I teased him one day about all the smoking he's about to do and he went into this rant about how it was scary having that bill for so many years it's not even funny. How I'd never be ready for when my kids went to college. That it was so bad that my parents make too much for me to get anything from the government, yet I didn't get many scholarships either. I hate that. Screwed if you do, screwed if you don't. Parents make too much, my grades were all pretty good, but not good enough to get much money. I'm above average, but not. It's like the working class, the class that bears the entire burden but never gets much. It really sucks. But I give up, there's nothing I can do about it except go to college and do my best. That's all there is, I've always been able to make it through when things have been tough and that's what I'll do during college. If I need help, so be it. I won't be one of the "smart" kids anymore, so no dumb idiot going "oh my god, Robyn needed help". And I'd be stupid not to get the help. That's been on my mind a lot.

Secondly, Sarah couldn't tell me how I kissed cause no matter what, I'd take it badly. I still have no clue, but...it's simple. If it was horrible, then I guess there's nothing I can do about it until I see her again and I guess she'll have to tell me what she wants, you can't do things perfectly the first time. If I was okay, then there's room for improvement. If I did well, then that’ll be great! But, no matter what, now that I'm back, what I remember the most is holding her...out of everything... that's what felt so good. I know I didn't mess that up, you can't. Sarah's only the 2nd person I've ever kissed and the first time...yeah, whatever, it didn't matter and it was... what... 6 years ago. I shouldn't kick myself so much.

I don't think she's going to dump me over that. Yet, I act like she would. Another thing is, she doesn't want her opinion to matter to me so much. I've gotten to this point where I know what I think about her and I want to see if she feels the same and everything I do makes me nervous. I have that thought in the back of my head of "what if she's just being nice and keeping me as her gf cause she doesn't want to break up with me" and that my friends goes back to me thinking I don't deserve love. It's an ironic circle. I want Sarah's love more than anyone else, but I think I deserve hers less than anyone. I don't think I deserve love in the first place cause I can't see any reasons someone would love me...otherwise, I hate myself too much to let others love me. Have I ever truly believed Sarah when she's said she loved me? Or has it just been on the outside? Did I ever feel it on the inside? I did. I remember her saying it the first time and it affected me more than it has when anyone else said it. Her saying it back while I was there, it was such a big deal. Her telling me she loved me first, huge thing. Having her say it for no reason, which just makes me loose my breath. Would I do those things if I didn't really feel it? Would I be able to? Would it make me want to cry when I think about how lucky I am for her to say it? Would I have ever of cried because I was so happy if I didn't feel it? I've always felt something with her, something I can't find in anyone else - not the same way, it's a connection that I can't explain, nor can she, and that has to be something, right? I have that connection with Kat, I don't understand it, but I feel it...it's like I was supposed to have both of them in my lives. I feel it with Carmel even though I rarely talk to her and she lives as far away as Sarah. They are some of the puzzle pieces in my life. Sarah’s next the heart of the puzzle while the others are close by, that’s the difference between her and the others. There are many puzzle pieces and several people who are pieces of the puzzle of my life. Some haven’t been the best pieces or been the largest, but they still make me who I am and play a part in making my life whole.
So, back to the main point, I need to get it through my head that I do deserve to be loved, that Sarah chooses to love me, and I don't force her to love me nor did I make her choose to love me...but that's going to take some time. Bear with me while I get to that point.

I really truly feel like going to bed. I’m hoping I’ll see Kat tomorrow possibly. If not, I’ll get to go to the bookstores anyways and that always calms me down. I have a video game I rented too. Sarah’s due home in… 5 days…hopefully I’ll have made some progress that she’ll be able to notice by them.