My True Soul

Installment 4: Ages 14-16

I got to the point in my life where I met Michael and that was in the beginning of 9th grade. So maybe now it's best for me to cover the rest of 9th grade. I'd gotten the crush on Jessica at the end of 8th. In 9th, it only got stronger, especially after I had a class with her and learned that she really was sweet, that it wasn't just an act. Once again though, I didn't think I ever had a chance with her, even if she was interested in girls. Which, there aren't many people who are open about their sexuality here...with good reason. Anyways, she was perfect, she was what I wanted to be. But I never thought I deserved someone like her. Then I liked a girl named Judy, she was crazy and German, lol. She was too wild for me. After a while, I started thinking more and more about Jessica and I thought "hey, I just really admired her, I didn't have a crush on her like 'that'" So, I was kinda relieved...I know that may sound bad to those of you who've always been taught to be yourself and that being bisexual wasn't a bad thing. But for those of you who know that in the south, different sexualites are met with strong resistance and are disapproved of sometimes. It was like realizing "hey, i don't have to fight a battle for the rest of my life, my life will be so much easier now." The sexual debate was over, I was straight, I hadn't really been attracted to girls in a physical way, no, it was just admiration for them, yep, that was it, for sure! Yeah yeah...keep yourself in that frame of mind and you'll be happy and fine. Life will be wonderful. And that, is a buncha crap.

I went on believing that crap though. This is also where I started questioning my religion, which, btw, is still something I have yet to figure out exactly. What is there to say about this? Oh, yes, I have it now. Everyone I knew who went to church seemed like a total hypocrite. Which, yes, we all are to an extent, I admit that. But I had people like my grandmother and my aunt setting wonderful examples for me. My grandmother has a wonderful act of the "sweet old lady" then she'd stab or stabs you in the back. My aunt would be nice to someone one week and then be talking about them a month later and how they were so bad and all this. And it's not reassuring when you hear "God loves you!" and you feel so depressed. There were times where I lost so much faith in people, in the world. You see all these people who are supposed to be so religious, yet they go do things that you never have, things that aren't moral, then they call you unreligious just because you don't go to church every sunday, because you don't outwardly show your religion...yeah... that's a load of stinky poo.

So, this is the time in my life where I got interested in Paganism. Other religions, but particulary paganism. Unfortunately, this is when my dad also decided to become a more devout Christian. It wasn't but a few months after my grandmother had passed away and he'd found her bible and I guess, since it was hers, he read it, and then he just became stronger in his Christian beliefs. Nothing wrong with that at all, but, just was ironic to me. The time where I'm thinking about other religions, religions he wouldn't have approved of before, it becomes even less likely for him to approve, Well, I'd wanted to talk to my mom about what I was thinking about religions. I didn't know how she felt about Paganism and such though. But, she's always been the parent of mine who was more open to new ideas. So, if I don't know how someone will react, I'll test them in some way. With her, I told her about the leader of one of my fav bands being Wiccan. Well, she was okay with that, then came the lecture on how I shouldn't follow others just cause I really liked them, then so on and so forth, how I should stay a Christian, how she'd take me to church if I wanted and that she'd really like for me to go. I decided then that it wouldn't be wise to tell her about it. I studied Paganism for about a year I think. I didn't ever convert, I still haven't made up my mind completely either.

I did tell some of my friends about this, even my best friend at the time, Amanda, she took it really well. She supported me with it and all. That was one of the first times in my life where I felt good about having a friend, about being able to trust someone a lot. It was nice to be able to tell the truth and not have them over react to it, not have them flip out. Having someone accept you for who you were, for what you thought, for everything, I'd never really felt that before. Even with my parents, if you haven't been able to tell. (Btw, I haven't forgot that some of my online friends supported me with this, but they weren't here with me all the time)

I don't think I had a crush on any girls during 9th grade, after all I was cured. And I can't remember the summer after 9th grade that well at all. I remember being excited about being a Sophomore. Fineally, I was gonna be one of the upperclassmen at my school. Yes, normally that doesn't happen til your Junior year, I know. But my school was 7-12. Grades 7, 8, and 9 were the lower half. Grades 10, 11, and 12 were the upper.

Between the time I'd told Amanda about my choice in religion and the time in which I told her about my truthful sexuality, all I had done was let myself trust her more, let myself become more open with her, to let her in And you know what's sad. Even though I did that...she still would pay more attention to guys than to me when she got the chance. That hurt, but I thought that I shouldn't get jealous over that or be hurt by that. I thought it was right for people to ditch their best friends when they just liked a guy or just had started dating him. You know, in time, it's okay. If you get serious with someone, then, okay, yes...you're gonna want to spend more time with them and talking to them. So, for a year, my trust with her deepened, she was like the sister I never had.

Then came 10th grade. Like most other 15 year olds, I was psyched about getting my license. Also like most other 15 year olds and 16 year olds, your hormones really start working then. If you can only imagine what that means for a 15 year old who is really bisexual and thinks she is completely straight. This is the time where I look around and I'm attracted to a lot of girls...I don't think I could tell you all the girls I was attracted to that year. I'm not really interested in the guys much, where all my friends who are girls are wanting to get boyfriends, here I am thinking "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!" The best solution I'd heard is to see if you were really comfortable trying to date the same sex or trying to flirt with them. If you can't really flirt, then, can you really be attracted to them? That was my thought. Well, if you haven't gathered, did I know any girls at my school I could OPENLY flirt with? Nope, not hardly! Talking online, on the phone, you can flirt, it's just a lil different. I started talking to a lot of bisexual girls and it was cool, I realized they'd went through several of the same things I had.

Now comes the time where I met my first girlfriend ever. Girl named Jenna. She was from NY. Shockingly, I've never really been interested in a girl from the south...I think it's a sign! So, she and I had a lot in common, we talked for about 3 days straight and she asked me to go out with her. I told her I'd think about it. Now here, is a mistake. Don't just come to the conclusion of "why not go out with her?" Have a reason for it, have a feeling at least lets you think you should, something that tells you WHY you should go out with them. I told her yes. We started going out on November 25th of 2000. I thought I loved her, I really did, it was honest and real. We really did get along. This is where part of my concepts of sex became a barrier. She'd talk about sexual things and kinda hint around to ask if it turned me on and all that...it didn't. It never really did. I loved talking to her, but...that stuff never interested me with her. She was sweet - kinda - sometimes.

Then I decided it was time to tell some of my friends about me and that I had a gf. I had some doubts from time to time if I really was meant to be with girls, but at the time, I thought I was in love. And if I could be in love with a girl, then obviously I didn't have a problem with being with a girl.

I started telling them in December, I told Lily on the 28th.
Lily was the first person I told. I knew that she'd accept me no matter what and I knew I'd need that. She did and completely supports me to this day. Her only thing is that she has to approve any and all gfs/bfs I have. And they'd better not really hurt me or else she's gonna kick their butts. The next day after I told Lily, her mom asked if I "went both ways" and Lily asked her 20 questions about why she was asking that, then told her the truth. Her mom, Sharon, completely supports me. She feels like I've been one of the few friends who's always been there for Lily and she wants to support me in anyway she can.

Shorty was the second person. I told her because I thought she would, but that she'd need some time to get used to it. I was right about that. And all that went as planned. She's listened to my problems I've had over the years.

Amanda was the last person I told. I told her on New Year's Day. And there is so much there that it'll take me probably an hour to get it all out. It's 4:46 am and I'm seriously thinking I might should get SOME sleep. I'm postponing until later.