My True Soul

Did I actually have something sink in? + Installment 5

I got to the part where I let Amanda know that I was bisexual and that I had a girlfriend. That's when it got interesting about my sexuality and my trust issues. I told her and she seemed to take it well at first, I told her that I'd answer any questions she had or whatever. She had a lot of questions and at first I thought she was cool about it. But she couldn't handle it apparently, which I was like "it's okay, just give it some time" and this next part, I don't remember what happened first. I'll go with what makes sense though.

My dad was washing jeans one day and he found a note from Amanda to me. I'm still not sure if it is normal for most parents to read their kids notes or not, but he did. He didn't say a word to me when I came home, he didn't say anything until my mom got home. I just thought he was ill as usual. Then my mom asked me if I knew what that note said. I was so hoping it was one of the stupid ones. But it said just enough to give everything away. About how Amanda never had had a friend that was attracted to the same sex. About how it was cool about Jenna. My mom asked why I thought I liked girls, if it was because I didn't feel like I fit in with other girls. You know, it's kinda hard to tell your mom that you're turned on by girls, that you're attracted to them. She insisted it was just a phase I was going through and that I didn't really feel that way. Then she tells me that she doesn't want me talking to Jenna anymore. The whole time this is going on, my dad's in the background slamming things around.

That's a great way to reassure your kid that you'll love them no matter what and love them unconditionally.

My parents also really cared who I had told about this, like they didn't want it getting out. I thought that was a bit weird.

I called Jenna the day after and told her what had happened, she just told me that we'd work through this, that we wouldn't let it stop us, everything would be fine and not to worry.

This is also around the time when I told Sarah that I was bisexual and had a girlfriend. It was a really big deal to me that she accepted it because I already had somewhat of a crush on her then. I've always really cared about Sarah since the very first few days I talked to her, she wasn't like anyone else and isn't like anyone else...something about her has always made me want her.


Anyways, then Jenna and Amanda got into a fight like the next day or 2. Amanda had been avoiding me lately because of what had went on, so one night she calls me, she's out laughing and having fun, but she asks me to call her parents for her and tell them she'd be a lil late. Well, I was talking to Jenna at the time and that did kinda bum me out, that was it. Jenna starts a fight with Amanda about being a crappy friend, because Jenna was trying to defend me, which was nice, but I didn't ask for her to. They both got into a fight and that's a hard place to be, between your gf who you think you love and your best friend who is like a sister to you. Amanda was so upset over this fighting that she told our friend Sean about the WHOLE ordeal. (This will become important later) Then Amanda and I get into it, she acted as if she'd rather me be with a guy who I wasn't happy with than be with a girl who I was happy with. She couldn't accept it and never did...and the whole reason I told her in the first place was because she was my best friend and she was supposed to accept me no matter what.

A few days later...Jenna basically said she couldn't take not talking to me everyday and doing that...so we broke up and within 2 days, she was dating this other girl she'd talked about a lot.

Amanda and I stopped talking to each other, had nothing to do with each other. She started going out with Chris on January 22nd. And that was that, she'd always put guys before me...why wouldn't she now?

Now, I'd liked Sarah for a while, she was the only person who could make me smile through this, I just felt something for her. I thought she was straight, obviously she's not, but I thought that, thought I had no chance with her. Then I found out she wasn't straight. I told her I liked her in a round about way, she didn't even realize it was her, thought it was someone else named Sarah. (She's adorable, lol) And we'd flirt a lot. Then I asked her out on Feb. 11th of 2001. She, after beating around the bush, said yes.

On Valentine's day, I went to school, Amanda and Chris were all lovey dovey acting. Amanda passed me in the halls and though we weren't talking, she'd at least recognize me. This day, she walks by me, looks at me, is with Chris and makes no indication that I'm any different from the other 400 strangers she's passed. That really hurt and that got me to thinking that I was worthless. I wasn't worth her even noticing after 4 years of being the best friend I knew how to be, I didn't matter. Who'd care if I killed myself. I thought about it all day, about going home and all. I had full intentions to write Sarah and tell her that it wasn't her fault, that it was other things, that she deserved better than me. After all, we'd only been going out 3 days, it wouldn't be too hard. Sarah'd already wrote me that day though. I read it and she told me she was sorry she couldn't get anything for me for Valentine's day, but that I already had something of hers... her heart. I melted then. I knew that she'd be worth getting through that day for, for getting through stuff for. That made me feel wanted.

I didn't let the stuff with Amanda get to me much after that, I just determined that I wouldn't have anything to do with her until she apologized.

Then in March, spring break, I got in a WHOLE lot of trouble for going somewhere I wasn't supposed to go and picking up Shorty's bf at the time. I didn't get back at the right time, but I thought my mom said to either be home before rush hour or after rush hour. (Before rush hour - so 4) I got home at 8. She'd been pacing the driveway. They didn't know about Shorty's bf, but they'd found out. My mom yelled at me for a good 25-30 minutes. Lily was here, she had to hear it all, she's told me now that it had her so scared that she wanted to come out here and protect me cause she was sure that my mom was about to attack me. I got grounded for a month. It's like that was the worst possible thing I could have done. I wasn't allowed to make a mistake. There were so many things that were so worse that I could have done. But, no, it was me, I shouldn't have made a mistake that big. After my mom yelling at me, I didn't want her to touch me. I didn't want her to come near me. And that was the first and only time I've hugged my dad and started crying. He was the one who was calm and rational about it. He got my mom to calm down off me. Geez, it's making me cry now thinking about how mad she was. I had about 6 pages of chores to do the next day - one of which included cleaning the stairs with a toothbrush, I couldn't drive anywhere but to school and back for about 2 months... it was supposed to have been 3. I wasn't allowed to watch TV, no music, no phone, no computer unless it was for school stuff. And here I was, just had started going out with Sarah. I still really upset from the Jenna/Amanda stuff and I remember breaking down and crying in the middle of our kitchen floor cause all I could think about was how I was such a screw up. I thought I was okay, but then I just wanted again to kill myself over that. I didn't come as close this time though...I thought about Sarah. That's what kept me from doing anything, the thoughts of her.

Amanda apologized to me in May. Nothing else was said about me having another girlfriend. My following friends are the ones who live here and know that Sarah's a girl. Lily, Shorty, Kat, Brian, Jake, and Fetty did live here. The rest think Sarah's a guy named Scott and know no different.

Most of the rest of 2001 was a great year. I can't remember many things that happened that were bad enough to make me feel so horrible. I was stressed out my junior year due to having to take the ACT and make decently on it. My parents kinda pressured me, but not as much as normal, I think I was pressuring myself so much. I think I started where I had to do everything perfect, started really getting that attitude. More than I ever had before. That attitude continued and is part of the reason I've been so driven to get through all this stuff. But you know, I'm not gonna be perfect, still gonna have moments where I want to resort to thinking in the old ways, but I will just have to bear with myself, talk myself through it, and not let myself think I can't make mistakes, that I have to be perfect, because no one can be perfect. Not all the time nor completely.

I still have something else I want to go into, but I'll wait for that until tomorrow.

WHAT I FIGURED OUT TODAY!

After all that went on with Amanda, I've been scared to trust people. She was the first person who I felt like should accept me and who I felt like I could trust. By now, I think you realize that I could tell her more than I ever could have told my parents. That was something big, I found somethign within her that I couldn't find within my own parents. Then the nasty occurance happened when I was 16, with loosing my trust in her. Being hurt so badly by someone who I trusted more than my parents, who I thought accepted me more than they did, by someone who I thought might be true and have a love that was unconditional for me. Although it would have only been a friendship kinda of love, it was the first time I'd ever thought I'd had an unconditional love and then everything went down the tubs.

Now, here I am with Sarah. I trust Sarah with all that I know, I felt that I could trust her and I've told her so much over the last 2 years. I actually do feel that unconditional love with her. I've never thought if I loved her, I've always been able to feel it. My mind, my heart, and my soul all know that I love her. And I'm scared. I'm scared that the same thing will happen that did with Amanda or something like that. I'm afraid that one day I'll really mess up and she won't love me anymore. Afraid that she will see a major flaw that she can't love me for or help me get through. Afraid. I want her and I want her love.

Fear prevents me from completely allowing myself to accept myself, from allowing Sarah to be open with me.

Yet, I have this major flaw of hating myself, of striving to be so perfect, of taking things that, in anyway, can be taken bad and using them to make myself hate myself even more. Of living off of Sarah's opinion and caring so much about her opinion that I won't even think of anything else sometimes.

And she still loves me.

Sarah loves me enough to stay by my side and not give up on me. To not expect me to be perfect. And to want me to not be so hard on myself.

If there's anyone out there that I should be able to take constructive criticism from, it should be her. For out of everyone, she's the one who I know, no matter how harsh the truth is, she loves me. She doesn't expect me to be perfect, she only wants me to be who I am. I should not be afraid of her words because I can count on those words being said out of love, unconditional love.

There I was though, taking her words, and thinking that they were the same as I'd thought before, that it meant that there was something majorly wrong with me that she couldn't stand, that she didn't love. Yet, her words were said in the same way you might ask someone "How can I make our relationship better" all these things often were said in order for us to improve our relationship or clues to how I could improve myself. Not words that were said to tell me that things were wrong, but only words to tell me how things could be made better.

At least, I think that all makes the most logical sense.

I'd wrote Sarah the other day and told her I wouldn't be trying to get throught this, that I would be getting through this. There was no other option. That I knew she'd want me to do it for myself, but that I wouldn't be able to. I'd have to do it for her and then keep doing it for myself.

I don't think Sarah would've told me she loved me and wished she could show me how much if she was really upset.

And yes, I know, maybe I won't be with Sarah for the rest of my life. At this point in time, I really hope to be. But if we're meant to be, we will continue to be. There is nothing I can do about that but take it one day at a time. According to my puzzle piece theory on life, I have 3 other soulmates as does she. (You have 4 pieces that surround you, one top, one bottom, 2 on the sides.) Perhaps they will be future loves, perhaps they will be future family members, perhaps they will be future friends, or perhaps they already are. Will take things one day at a time. So far, it's been at least 895 days of me being in love with her. And November 7th, 2003 should be day 1000.

I must admit, I am kinda proud of myself for coming up with a good logical reason as to why I act as I do with Sarah.