My True Soul

Thoughts on a Wednesday Morning

"We are alone, but together. And I imagine that's how it is for every two people thrown together by life and time. There is hurt. And there is comfort. And there is someone else beside you that makes you laugh and cry, and looks at things differently than you do."

I've been really busy lately with moving or at least trying to move. It seems like I have a million things to do and not enough time. I'm sure it'll all calm down soon. Until then, I'm just here for the ride. What am I doing up now? I really don't know. The only time I feel like I should sleep is when I'm so exhausted I can't do anything else. My dad thought it'd be a wonderful idea to just run down to Starkville this morning. It's not that bad of a drive, but, it kinda sucks when you run down there, run around the town for 3 hours, then come back home. Especially on 2 and a half hours of sleep.

Not only with this moving, we also have all the thoughts that are running through my head. They aren't the same as they were, not really. But it's just more of a me trying to figure things out. Here I am about to leave for college and I'm watching all my friends and the way they're changing. Every single one of them is different and have a different way in which they like things to be handled. It's like there are certain rules with all of them. And here person number 1 is going on about person number 2. Person number 3 and 5 are talking about person number 1. Then you have person number 2 who's pissed at number 4. And 5 is upset with number 4. And sometimes... there I am... being person number 1.5 and number 2.5 and 3.5 and you get the idea. Maybe I'm just person number .5? I wonder if it's me sometimes. But then, I see both sides. I know both sides often. And both people make good points about things with the other person. And I can see a way to compromise. But, then again... this is the reason why I think I could be a relationship counselor. I do see both sides and I do see the rights and wrongs of both. So maybe I shouldn't worry so much about the confusion I feel when someone's ranting about someone that I actually happen to like. I should just accept it as something that'll always happen in my life.

I see gray in most all areas. Does that make me indecisive? Maybe it does to some. But I can make decisions when it really matters. It might take me a while, but at least once I make that decision, I'm normally VERY sure of it.

And now, after knowing one friend for so long... now that I'm leaving, I'm getting closer to her. That really sucks, doesn't it? But I suppose it's because she and I have a situation that we share now. It comes down to the relationships we have. She now knows what I go through, the longing, the wanting, everything. But it had to be one of my friends that I know I probably shouldn't ever tell the truth to. Which, that's a contradiction, if they are your friend... they're 'supposed' to be your friend no matter what.... but it doesn't work that way, I learned that. I know she'd freak if she knew the truth. So here I am, doing the one thing I really didn't wanna do. Getting closer to someone who I can never ever really be myself with.

My dad keeps saying stuff, day in and day out, to make me feel guilty. Like today, he went on and on about how if he had of had this opportunity, he would have it made and basically this whole "you shouldn't complain" routine. I haven't complained about it. No, sorry, I didn't really wanna live in a place where about every mobile home had a window broke. That kinda scared me. And I didn't really like the one where anyone over 6 foot woulda had to walked with their heads tilted sideways. Oh well, the important thing is, I don't feel like it's my fault. It's just a process of life.