My True Soul

1st Meeting

I spent most all day today just thinking about Sarah. Nice 3 hour drive with your father, yeah, got lots of time to think. I don't always think about her... not constant like that... admittedly I do at least once everyday. Was thinking about the next time I see her. I wanna hug her and hold her there, I wanna put my cheek where it touches her neck, I want to put my arms around her waist and have her looking down at me. That was so amazing. I keep having these moments pop into my head. Those moments that I never knew would have so much of an impact. And it's days like this that I'm so glad I have a pretty good photographic memory. I can remember everything, just like it was a video tape. I can watch it in my mind and listen to it. But then it makes me so sad, cause, it still doesn't quite feel like it happened. It was like, you wait 2 and a half years, and then you go... you feel all these things you've never felt before, all these things you've dreamed about feeling, and it still feels like a dream. It's an evil trick.

And for those of you who MIGHT read my journal and MIGHT know how long I've been dating Sarah and how I feel and all that. We met July 7th at roughly 12:20 pacific time... first time we'd ever met. It was at a Denny's. I walked across the street, was wondering if I should go in or not, I got to the door, was still deciding. Then I looked up, saw someone in jeans and a jean jacket, their back was to me, noticed the curly hair, and that moment, I was like "it's her". That is all I could think. Then my mind kinda just went numb, lol. She's told me what was happening then, so I'll write down what was going on with her. Her best friend was asking her what I looked like, what color eyes I had, all this, Sarah said she couldn't remember, just couldn't. Then Sarah looked out, saw me, and was like "that's her" and her best friend told her to go get me... Sarah wanted her to come with her... she wouldn't... and as she was walking towards the door, she turned around to tell her best friend she hated her, lol. And that's when I saw her, lol.
She walked out then...I just looked at her, I don't know if I smiled, I know I shoulda have been, I know I was on the inside. I saw the red roses then...was amazed by them. And I'm never gonna forget the smile she had and the simple "hey". If I had any doubts it was her, that "hey" cleared it up. I didn't think, you know, I just reached out for her, to hug her. I don't know what she was thinking or if she was like me and wasn't thinking anything. All I knew was I had to hug her. And, I didn't notice how she felt in my arms then, I was still too numb. And yes, I did buy her a single red rose. Sadly, I had to carry it for about 2 hours and the tissue paper around it was pretty wrinkled.
And eating in front of her, yeah... could do so, somewhat. Was too nervous to eat much. It was all I could do to eat 3 chicken fingers. I only ate the 3rd one because I knew I'd need food for energy. Then we left to go elsewhere. I was so happy that she didn't do as some would have...she did sit in the back with me while we were riding. I wanted so badly to be able to reach over and take her hand right then...but, there was no way I could have...and I was so scared. And the rest, I just kept thinking "she's beside me, I'm here, I'm here" Right before her best friend was showing me the area where I was gonna go on Tuesday... I gave her the journal that I'd worked on so much the 2 weeks before I left. I left it open to the page that was "Better than a Dream" and I'll post that song sometime. I told her to read it. I wanted to tell her that's how I felt, I tried, but, everytime I wanted to, it was like I had no way to use my voice. I'm hoping she might have known me well enough to figure it out.
Now, saying bye to her. I hugged her again...this time, I noticed how she felt in my arms. To me, she fit perfectly. I didn't feel like I'd break her at any moment. And she felt so soft and so much just like someone I'd love to hug all the time, if that makes sense. I didn't know if I should tell her that I loved her, I really was confused by that. But then, to myself, I basically asked "how do you feel?" and the response was I still love her as I did, I love her. Then the next question "shouldn't you let her know you love her?" Yes. I told her as we were still hugging. My voice, it was... all screwy... wouldn't work with me. I wonder if she noticed how I barely got it out, how I kinda stuttered. She did say it back, she didn't have to, and that made me feel so great.
I walked away, I was floating. I didn't feel my feet hurting, I just, heart was soaring. Then when I sat down to wait on the bus, I was shaking so much. I didn't stop shaking until about an hour or so later, nor did I stop smiling until I fell asleep that night.
And then when I got back to the hotel room, that's when the silliest of things dawned on me. "Oh my gosh, did I even tell her thank you for the roses???" I don't remember if I did, I really don't, I don't think she does, but... I did tell her on Tuesday.
I'm writing that out because I'll want to read this when things aren't as clear as they are now. I'll want to remember all of it. There will be certain things that I'm not gonna share with everyone. But I figured maybe there might be some soul who reads this who's wondered how it went, who's wondered what it'll be like to meet a gf or bf they've never saw, something. I know I wondered about it, worried about it, and was scared about it.