My True Soul

To come out or not to?

I've been thinking a lot lately about just telling people about my sexuality. My friend brought up the point that I'll have to tell my parents eventually. Then I find out one of my friends already knows and I never told him nor did I think I told anyone who would. That's really bugging me. Then again, maybe he just picked up on it on his own. There are certain signs, just most my friends choose not to see them or put them together.

Why should I tell those that don't know? It'd bring the true friends of mine closer. It'd make me lose a lot of the ones who weren't. I wouldn't have to be 2 different people. I wouldn't have to hide who I liked. I wouldn't have to hide who I am to start with. I could for once not worry if someone overheard. And in a way, I want them all to know. Just be like "look, this is how it is, this is who I am, if you don't like it, then oh well, it doesn't change me any"

Why shouldn't I tell those who don't know? Cause it's a small town, cause some of them would run their mouthes, it could get back to my parents, my parents would disown me for a while and I'd be completely on my own. Therefore I would only be able to finish college by taking out so many loans it wasn't even imaginable and start off my life being so in debt. Then it leaves me with being alone, by myself, and if Sarah does decide to move out, then she'll probably choose not to have much to do with her parents and look at what I'd have for her... egh.

That in which brings me to a whole new point. Sarah needs to do whatever she wants to do...not change her mind for me. I would absolutely love for her to live with me and she's more than welcome to, but does she want to? Does she know yet? And if she doesn't, then will we continue our relationship as it is, having to wait at least a year before seeing each other? Or maybe years? Will we just discontinue everything? What's gonna happen there? I don't want to loose Sarah. And maybe you guys don't understand this, maybe I'm crazy, call me whatever, I really don't care what you think. I've been around her, I know her, and from everything she is...she fits. With all the weird lil quirks and everything, with all the ways I am, she fits. She is the girl that I should have looked a lifetime for. Maybe I'll have to wait a bit of a lifetime to get her...but... is it worth it if she's the girl I spend the rest of my life with? Yes, she is. If I spend the rest of my life with her and I had to wait however many years, then... she was definitely worth it. What happens if she's not the one? Then I've spent however many years with her...the question is... am I gonna regret those years? The answer is no. Why? I know everyone's gonna wanna know why. It's because with Sarah, I've learned more about love and respect and forgiveness and what it takes to really make a relationship work. I've learned so much because of her, things that I'll never ever forget, and she has changed me in ways no one else ever has...she has became part of me these last 2 years. And all those things, they will remain even if she and I don't remain as a couple. And this is the part... I HAD to ask her to be my girlfriend, for once in my life I HAD to DO something. I knew I was going to regret it if I DIDN'T at least ask her. I'll go on through the next several years, not knowing what's gonna happen, catching all this flack from people who laugh and stuff, who say we won't make it, who tell me how much easier it'd be to be with someone from here, because I for once, DID something, DID what I wanted to do. Not what I thought would be easiest. The easiest thing would have been to NEVER have asked her to be my girlfriend, to have just left it at "yeah, I have a crush on you".

And I just talked to her, she's missed me bunches lately. I've missed her a lot. Right now is one of the most stressful times in my life. And she's like a warm, aroma-therapy bath complete with a foot massage and a good back rub.

We'll keep going as best we can, we've made it this far, it's been tough, but we've made it. She's still interested in trying. I'm still interested in trying. And the subject of marriage has been brought up. She does think she could marry me as do I with her. She's told me she doesn't want to have kids unless they're with me. So, we'll take our time, make our relationship sound and strong, and hopefully it'll work.

The other day, I read a comment someone made about how homosexuals would be getting just as many divorces as heterosexuals if they were allowed to marry. Well, one young man wrote back that the person who said that was wrong. This young man had a point. In order to be in a loving and fairly open homosexual relationship, most couples will go through hell and by the time they are serious enough to get married, they've went through so much that you KNOW they have to love each other....or else they woulda just given up.

Will I tell my friends? Probably not. I only have a week before I move. I've kinda kept this a secret (from some) since I was 12, what's another 7 days gonna hurt? I already know the ones that are my friends and the ones that aren't. And is it really worth the risk of it getting back to my parents? No, it's not.

I do have to tell my parents sometime. I know I will. I just wonder when it'll be. I really would love to wait until after I could see Sarah more often, then I know she'd be able to help me cope... but then, will that be the right time to tell them? I want them to know she makes me happy. That I love her. But I know all they would do would be to try to tell me I didn't love her and it was wrong for me to feel as I do. They would tear her apart trying to find ANYthing wrong with her...does she need that? Not really. Would she go through that for me? Yes, as long as she knew how I felt.
So many nights I've thought about just going downstairs when my mom was reading, laying down beside her and telling her.

Most people look forward to going to college to make friends. But I really don't care. I look forward to being alone in a way. And if I do happen to make some friends, then great, but I'm not going through the same crap as I did in high school. Forget it. Tired of living a lie, tired of being 2 different people, ready to just chill and take things as they come. Not worry about the social aspects. And that prolly sounds really bad coming from a psych major who doesn't wanna be around people. Oh well though.