My True Soul

Costs of College...

How is it going with me trying to change myself? I'm still fighting it. Lately my dad has been really stressed out with moving and all, that's understandable. I have been also. But this makes him much more likely to be grouchy and to scream for no reason. It also makes me much more likely to try to take the reasons he's yelling and blame them on myself. Otherwise, I already feel bad, so why not make myself feel worse? And with this, it's been harder to fight. With this, it's harder to say "not my fault" cause I'm the one moving. I'm the one going to college, I'm the that's causing them to spend so much money.
Then my dad's upset cause I didn't get as much scholarship money as he would have liked. And I should have, but scores weren't high enough. And that just goes back to me feeling stupid.
I had a 27 ACT and a 3.8 gpa. I had a 4.0 my whole senior year with my hardest classes. And I didn't get much scholarship money, my dad reminds me of that constantly. And when you're friends with people who made 30 or higher on the ACT and such... their gpa isn't too much higher, but still higher...it really makes you feel like what you did wasn't that great. Then you have the constant reminder that you didn't get much money.
That's hard to fight sometimes. But then I realize that they're probably happy I'm going to college, underneath all of it. But sometimes, I get so stressed that it's hard to remember that.
I talked to Sarah about stuff tonight, that really helped me. I'm confused though, cause she kept asking me if I'd really changed that much in a month. I'm not sure if I have changed that much, I do know that what I said was honest and true. I'm sure of that. But I don't know how strong the changes are yet and I know I'm not where I want to be. However, I did want to have a lot of this done by the time she got back home. I really have been doing the best I can, admittedly with moving and such, I haven't focused as much as I could have or should have, but it's exhausting and I'm worried about adjusting to living by myself and going to college moreso at this moment in time. I will continue to fight though along with adapting. Maybe I have changed. I asked Lily tonight if I had changed, she told me I've changed more than I think I have. I hope so.

I feel like writing more, about going into something that I've been putting off. Finishing up going through my history and the more recent events. Cause there is more and I think going through that would help me even more. But perhaps, I do need to wait a few days. I will decide this for sure after asking Kat. I'm about to go my High School and visit 2 or 3 of my favorite teachers and talk to Kat for a moment.
Until later... adios!