My True Soul

Recent thoughts

So I'm supposed to become more direct, stop blaming myself for things that aren't my fault, and to not get jealous.

I talked to a friend the other night about what’s gone on the last several months. Thus that's why I wouldn't write about the rest of my lil history, I didn't want her to read it in here. She took advantage of me and used me and got jealous and all this. I told her about it, finally. After months of her hinting about it and blaming me and our friends, finally I said something. But I'm left with this thought. Why did she keep saying it's too late now to fix it? It's NEVER too late to do the right thing until you're dead, then, it's too late. Either she doesn't think I'd want to fix it, which, okay. I will if she decides to try to change and fix what was wrong and does so. Or I'm no longer any use to her, she's moving, I'm moving, I can't just go get her and stuff anymore. She can't take advantage of me anymore...so why bother fixing the friendship? And if that's not the case, then she NEEDS to speak up and say something. Yes, I plan on asking her about this as soon as possible, but with us both moving, it makes things hectic. But, if it is the case, then I don't need you. I don't need a friend who would do that to me.



There are so many questions that I just need to ask. I want to ask Sarah if she does love me. How she feels when I tell her I love her. What DOES she feel when she talks to me, how did she feel being around me. What makes her love me, what things about me make me ANY different from anyone else? I need to know these things. Cause if she can’t tell me something, then what is the point? What do I do that she loves? I tell her when she does something I love. And sometimes, when I’m so upset, and it seems like I don’t want anyone to touch me or to even think about touching me… it’s all I want is for them to do so. I was so upset last Friday, so mad, probably the maddest I’ve ever been around my friends and they knew it. The first thing Fetty did was say “I think someone needs a hug” and I melted, I literally freaking melted. Was it because it was Fetty? Not really. It was because he actually gave me a hug when I felt so horrible, he did it to make me feel better, and it worked. When I’m so upset and when I’m crying and when I’ve just gotten through yelling at someone/something…when my eyes are stone cold grey with anger and my nostrils flare, all that… I still want to be hugged. I might tell you not to, I might say for you not to touch me, I might tense away, but you know what… I want someone who will know not to let go, who’ll hold on, even tho I act like I want out of their arms.

Oh well, gotta go pack some more.