My True Soul

If I had a nickel for every thought I had...

I'm back in town for the weekend, so that means I got to see most of my "friends" but, I spent most my time with Kat actually. I feel sorry for her cause there's been so much that's changed in the last week since "everyone's been gone" but the only people who've left have been me, Joby, and Shorty. I have a lot of thoughts that I need to tell her about now that I've had time to think more on them.

She is like Sarah in the fact that she makes me tell her what I'm thinking, they just go about it different ways. I guess that helped me too, but it wasn't as hard as usual just to tell her, thanks to the changing Sarah wanted me to do. Means I've made some form of progress.

Have you ever had a thought that keeps coming into your mind, but you know it's wrong? But yet, just a small part of you still wonders if it really is wrong? And there are obvious signs saying "it's wrong" but, it still hasn't hit you completely yet. That's annoying.

Got to talk to Kat about my grandmother and what she'd said... we both went on rants about our grandmothers. I think that mine's more manipulative while her's is just a complete wench.

She almost hit me because, for once, we were actually alone, and I could have shown her the pictures from my trip to Washington (to see Sarah) and I didn't have them with me. I moved them last weekend to my place in Starkville. She's been wanting to see them since I got back, but we've always had someone (an outsider!!) who didn't know about Sarah. I've shown her the 3 that I always have with me. (Yes, I carry photos of my girlfriend around with me...that way she's always with me besides just in mind/spirit) Ironically, Kat was the one who kept telling me I'd better take pictures or else.

Kat also succeeded in making me realize that I can get through the next few years. I love Sarah, but gosh... so many more years before I can actually be with her, you know? And at times, I get insecure and think that she's not gonna want me in 2-4 years. But, Kat was just like, lol, treated me like I was stupid, which I was at this point. "You waited 2 years to go see her, 2 years, and that was the happiest time of your life... that one week. Just imagine how it's gonna be after the next 3 years or whatever and then when you marry her and you're with her everyday, think about how happy you'll be then." The thing about that was... Kat was the person who I called to talk to about Sarah... she's the one of the ones I told about how bad I wanted to kiss Sarah and she's the one who said "you know, she is your girlfriend of 2 and a half years, I don't think she's gonna mind and you have a right to kiss her" She's the one I called the night I got back in and was talking to and who heard me start to cry and the one who stopped me from crying like I had been. She knows how I felt that week, Lily knows, and Fetty knows. And Kat knew that was the happiest time of my life.

And I grin like a fool now, because Kat said when I marry Sarah...not if. After everything that Sarah and I disagree on, after everything, I figure it's normal to have problems. I figure no one will ever be 100% what you want. But the way I see it, is sometimes they're gonna have things that are wonderful that weren't a "must" or sometimes they'll have more of something that was a must. Or they'll have some trait that is rare and hard to find in others. I may not always understand Sarah, but I know Sarah. I know how she is and who she is. But yet, I always say if I marry Sarah. Maybe that's my last fear of comittment, that I can't say when. But in my mind, I don't say when because it's also up to her, because neither of us has asked the other, it's not official that we're getting married. I know both of us are going to change, things will change, and I'm afraid we will grow apart. I'm afraid of jinxing it. I have this feeling that something that good can never happen to me and if I assume it can, then the universe will seek the need to punish me for thinking that I can have something good by taking it away.

Do I think we'll change in ways that'll make us grow apart though? No, I don't. I think we will change in ways that'll make us closer. I think that's what's already happened sometimes. And that's what I'm trying to do again.

I want her to be with me at MSU. I wanna take her around the campus around late Autumn, I want her to see how pretty it is then, I want to sit with her and hold her hand and hug her.

And here's the other part. I don't know if she wants that. I don't want her to feel like she has to come here if she doesn't want to. I want her to do what she wants, even if it means me being apart from her longer. Now's the time when I'm strong enough still to handle it. But, when we get older, I won't be. I want to help her through the next part of her life the best I can. I want for her to sleep at night and feel safe. I want for her to come home from a bad day to me and be able to relax, not just tense up more. But, I want her to be happy... and you know... sometimes that means letting go. Sometimes that means taking what you want and putting it aside. She doesn't stop me from being happy, but... she's kinda the one person/thing that makes me the happiest.

Yes, I've been thinking a lot about her and I. I need to ask her something the next time I talk to her. I need to ask her to name 1 thing about me that makes her love me. What thing did I do that made her decide she loves me? One thing that makes me love her is how she gets excited about certain things that no one else would take the time for. I love how she took her time and effort to make a care package for a soldier she didn't even know. I love how she acts when she talks about lil kids and taking care of them. I love how she knows about a lot of different stuff and how you wouldn't know it until you got onto that subject. I love how she observes so much, but never says a word. I love how she can see into me. I don't know if she ever did something that made me decide I loved her, I don't know it was just one thing, but maybe it was. Maybe it was the fact she could make me smile when no one else could, maybe its the fact that she can make me laugh even when I'm so mad or sad. Maybe it's because with her, I want to be a better person. I don't really know. I didn't ever have to think if I loved Sarah. I felt it first, I felt something strong for her, the desire to be with her, not because it would benefit me, but because I just wanted to be with her because she was who she is. So, maybe I shouldn't ask her that. .

It's lunch time, I'm hungry. I want to go back to the park today and see about getting something kinda neat for Sarah. I really don't have the money, but it's gonna be her birthday soon. This'll be the 3rd birthday I've been with her through. They've got some really neat things that she'd love at the park and it's a local thing and I think it'd mean more to her if I got it in my hometown instead of buying it somewhere else.