My True Soul

Speeding Ticket = Past 18 years

Sunday, to my misfortune, I got my first ever speeding ticket.

I completely freaked out. That was, just, argh... I'd so wanted not to get one, ever. But I was concentrating so much on just getting back here and getting some food, getting Flip (new kitten) out of the shoebox, getting home before 10 to do some more reading.... I naturally went faster. But I freaked still, now, I don't know why... well I do, but I don't see why I let myself.

Before, when I first started driving, this would have meant my parents yelling at me and grounding me from my car and all this. Or in this case, it woulda been them taking the Pontiac away. Plus it will raise the insurance rates and ergh, yeah, that's something that will effect me for a few years. Hopefully they'll go down when I turn 19. Anyways... I can't convey how silly I was about that. I just completely lost it over that one thing, maybe I'd had a lot of stress stored? I know I did actually, but, would it have really made that much of a difference? Why did I flip out so much? What made me think that this was so bad? It was the haunting voice of my parents and especially of my father. Him yelling, him getting so mad at me, everything.

I called my mom, told her, I was crying. She thought something really bad had happened like me having a wreck. I told her what it was and she was just like "it's ok" and her best friend wrote...told me it was no big deal, everyone gets them, and not to sweat the small stuff. Anyways

I told my mom that if dad had of answered I wouldn't have told him. And I had to explain why. I told her I hate telling him things cause he always gets mad and acts like I did it on purpose, like it was my fault, or how stupid could I have been to do whatever. People, this is what it's like with EVERY mistake I make in ANYway. He does this to my mom, she told me that but that she also knew it wasn't her fault. I just told her basically that she wasn't the one who'd grown up with him being the way he is.

I don't know if she ever understood that, but, here's what I meant. I grew up with a man who screams for no reason, takes out his frustrations on his family, and if he wakes up in a bad mood and things aren't to his liking, someone gets screamed at. If you have a problem with your car or something that you need his help on, he screams at you and acts like you're the one who did it/you did it on purpose, and half the time or more, he actually THINKS of a way that it is your fault. There have been countless times I've heard him take some incident where my mom's car has messed up and blamed it on the way she drives it. He yells and then after his hissy fit, he doesn't think it was any big deal, 30 minutes later... it's all fine. That is a pet peeve of mine, if you're gonna get mad at me, then we're gonna talk about it. My dad doesn't know how to talk about things though.

I did get lucky, Sarah may have a temper, but... she's never yelled at me no matter how mad she's gotten. And maybe this is a silly way to look at it, but she knows how I feel about yelling, about how it really upsets me and really hits several emotions.... so she refuses to yell and I see that as a way that she shows she does care about me. When we get mad, we talk. I love how she knows that and acts as she does. I get upset still and I feel so horrible and react so badly...but, in reality, I'm so used to my dad...it's just me getting ready to take whatever it is. Now, when thinking about it, I could curl up in Sarah's lap when she was mad at me and not be scared of her, not deep down.

I look back and the only ages I can remember my father not yelling at me were ages 1-4, but you know what? I can't remember much then anyways. I know, every kid does get yelled at, that's understandable I guess. My mom's yelled at me and really made me upset, but not in the same degree. And when she's yelled at me, I had really done something that deserved it and I don't blame her for doing it. My dad, there's been times he's yelled at me and I've deserved it, I'm sure, but there have been so many times where... I can't have screwed up that much... there's no way. There's been times when I couldn't have done whatever it was and there's been times I hadn't done anything, but still gotten screamed at.

It's interesting the effects that parents can have on kids.

That's all I have for today, at least at this moment. Gonna go enjoy the rain. Gosh, I love rain.