My True Soul

Nostalgic & Adventurous Simultaneously

I'm back at home this weekend.
Brian's back, Neal's back, and Sean's back. I don't think anyone else went away and came back.
Ali called me this morning, told me they were back and wanted to know if I had plans. Well, was going to go to Wal-mart with my dad to get some fuel injector cleaner and car stuff... figured my dad kinda wanted me to go, so I would. Brian called and I wanted to do something with them, but I figured my dad would be kinda hurt, so I didn't. Anyways I had just ate and really wasn't interested in food.
I noticed that Brian's car was at Subway, so I was thinking that I'd just go there after I got through at home. Well, I did go to Subway, he wasn't there, which confused me for a moment. But I wanted to go to Books A Million and had some time. Then as I'm leaving I see Tamara standing outside, then see Brian and Melissa walking up. I kinda was hoping they'd be there when I got there, so I was happy to see them when they did show up.

I had been planning on going home and watching MSU play U. of Oregon, but they told me I wasn't allowed to leave. Actually got a hug from Tamara and from Melissa, which was unexpected, Brian...yeah he'd better have hugged me, lol. So I stayed with them for about an hour, but that was fun... I haven't actually went out with a group of friends that I had fun with in a long time.


Brian asked me if I'd met any "interesting" people at MSU yet. Which meant both the obvious and if I'd met anybody who was gay, etc. He asked in this manner because Melissa doesn't know nor does Tamara. Then he asked if I'd joined any clubs, meaning GLBT clubs. And I told him I hadn't but I was thinking about it seriously and couldn't really decide. He told me I should go to clubs, go to "underground" clubs... both college affiliated and not. This was completely confusing Tamara and Melissa... but I knew what he meant. But, he obviously feels that I should, that it would be good for me. No one has told me I shouldn't.


Melissa was joking about turning down guys and telling them that they weren't her type cause they were male. And she's always making jokes like that. And normally, if you can joke like that, then you're secure with your sexuality and don't have a problem with people whose sexuality differs from your own. Melissa's had her mom ask her if she was a lesbian which proves that she's not scared of talking about the topic. She's had several good friends who were homosexual. Brian's told me she wouldn't have a problem with it at all. And I believe it. She's very open, very accepting, and intelligent, not ignorant.
This, in turn, makes me think if I should let Melissa know. It makes me want to tell her. Cause I'm getting where I don't like keeping it a secret anymore, not if I'm gonna be close to someone or talk to them a lot. I really regretted not telling Fetty for such a long time. Cause it only made us closer. Me telling Jake made us closer. Brian finding out made us closer. What Jake said was right... "If you tell them all it will make your true friends closer but it will make you loose your other friends" My only drawback to telling Melissa is that I know she and Tamara are close or that they at least talk to each other a lot. Which I'm pretty sure that Melissa wouldn't tell Tamara, but I've got to know for sure, 110% especially here.
Cause if Melissa told Tamara and Tamara wasn't so accepting of it, which... I really don't know if she would be or wouldn't be... I see how she would in one aspect but in another... I see how she might not be, anyways, all Tamara has to do is let it slip to her parents. Tamara's parents went to school with my parents. Which I mean, I really doubt Tamara's parents would ever TELL my parents or tell others who would tell my parents, but, it's just the idea of knowing that someone that close to my parents might know. And the fact that Tamara lives maybe 3 miles away from me... that it would be no big deal for her parents just to come pay mine a visit or something.
Why am I so scared of this? If it's not obvious, then, ok. But people, I was afraid when my mom talked to Kat's mom and I was there and so was Kat. But it scared me cause Kat's mom knows I'm bisexual and that I have a girlfriend and all that. And there she was, talking to my mom. Her and my mom aren't far in age and I'm just not really used to the idea of people their age taking news like that so well and being able to not tell the parents. Maybe I shouldn't be so scared about it. Kat's mom apparently is okay with it or else she would have treated me differently and she's always been really sweet to me. I don't think she would have let me be around her youngest daughter if she really had a problem with it. Then Sharon knows and she wants to support me in anyway possible.


Lots of thoughts running through my head lately. And I really wish to talk to Sarah about all of this, but I haven't had the chance to yet. But I have talked to a few friends. And most all of them have told me I should. One brought up the point about how Sarah's gonna feel. Cause now I'll be around girls who if I did happen to like them, there's more of a chance for them to like me back. That's a very good point. And would I be more tempted to like a girl there.

I did know some girls that were bisexual in high school, but... there was only one that I thought was cute. I mean, she was really cute, but I'd never date her. The biggest temptation factor is to have a girl that I could be with now and do stuff with now.


I don't know how many of you know what it's like, but there are nights when I cry myself to sleep cause I just want to be with Sarah. It's hard not to be with the person you love, for whatever reason. I don't know, it's confusing with Sarah and I. To be together for this long, we have to be serious, but to keep from hurting all the time, we can't be too serious. But I guess this summer she answered my question. I asked her if she wanted to continue our relationship and she said yes and duh, just like I was stupid to have even been asking. And there are times when I remember fragments of things she's said to me and I know she loves me and that it is serious to her, but my insecurities get to me.

It comes down to this. I want her, it's like I told her, I know she's gonna get mad at me and annoyed with me and all that but I want it to be HER who does so. I want it to be her who yells at me when I really make her mad. I know even during that, that she loves me. And I want her, I can see a life with her in it and her being my lover if you so wish. I cannot see a life without her as a friend at least.

Sometimes I wonder how likely it is for me to have found someone I could be with the rest of my life, when I was 16 and they were 14. And that is my brain talking to me...trying to be logical... love isn't logical though. It's like sometimes I think like the guy on Sweet Home Alabama "You don't find your soulmate when you're 10 years old. Afterall, where's the fun in that?" And all this creates doubt. Not because of our relationship. But I think it is my brain's way of saying "stop hurting emotionally cause you can't be with this girl" and it's a way of me "logically" reasoning my way out of the BEST thing in my life. It also could be a way of my brain trying to be like "you don't deserve her you piece of scum" cause I do hate myself and I do love her. What better way to make myself suffer than take away, by my own hand, someone that I love?

All that is in my mind, in what my brain says. My heart sometimes is just too numb to fight it too. It's kinda like donating money to some building project and not being able to see the progress. You give and give and give and you can't SEE what it's doing. And it hurts to remember stuff from this summer, it hurts to remember hugging her and her fitting so perfectly, cause I can't do it right now. It hurts to remember holding her cause I can't. And it hurts so much, I try to numb out all the emotions I feel/felt. But, all it takes is one little FRAGMENT of remembering those emotions to make me totally forget those logical reasons my brain was so clever to think. It takes one moment of talking to her to make my heart to revive itself and be like some superhuman crime fighter, you know? The ones that take on the world's bad guys. And when she says she loves me? My brain becomes mute, nothing comes out, my heart tho, it starts singing like one of the italian tenors, so loud, so powerful... and nothing else matters. I've saw this first hand now.


This, after explaining all that, brings me back to something. The temptation will be great, I will think "this girl is so nice, she would be someone great to date" but will I act upon it? Would I cheat on Sarah? I couldn't. I would really hate myself then and no, even tho that would give me reason to hate myself, that inflicts much much more pain on her than me hating myself now does. I hate that it hurts her now, but it is something that I can't really help until I help myself, afterall, that's the only way that hurt for her will go away.


I'm glad I've got that part of everything decided, that was a big part that was confusing me a lot, but I still have several more things.


Which brings me to the thought I just thought of now. I was around 12 when I first started putting up walls around myself. It was the same time all that stuff with my grandmother began happening. I could talk to her, never hid stuff from her, was really close to her, then she dropped me like I never existed. Maybe that's also a good reason why I have walls and such? It only makes sense. She's the reason I have walls and then there are other reasons why. Then I have my dad who constantly blames crap on me...yeah. It's all coming together more so.


On to the part about my friends that has been bothering me so much lately. Well, perhaps later... I don't think I really wanna go into this right now.

GOOD QUOTES!!!!

To experience happiness we must train ourselves to live in this moment, to savor it for what it is, not running ahead in anticipation of some future date nor lagging behind in the paralysis of the past.

"If sane is thinking there's something wrong with being different, then I'd rather be completely f*cking mental." - Angelina Jolie

"You know you're in love when at those times you're apart, you find youself gazing at the sky in the direction she lives and feeling some peace in knowing that you live under the same sky"