My True Soul

Advice & Sexuality

Yesterday was kind of bad and kind of good. Fetty called me in the afternoon. I told him about me wanting to join a club at MSU. He said it would be a good idea, that he can't imagine the support it would provide me. I told him I knew I already had several people I could talk to it about and they were people who did the best they could, but they didn't have the first hand understanding. I told him "you don't have to worry about looking at a girl, saying "she's really cute!!" and those around him looking at him weird. He understood completely and I knew he would. I part of me wants that support. I kinda get it from Sarah, but, it's.... lol, not the same. Cause she's my girlfriend, she is part of my relationship, part of who I am because she's part of my sexuality. But I told him how the issue of me finding someone there was brought up and he said he could see why that might be a thought, but that he really didn't see it being a problem with me. I told him what I'd wrote in the earlier entry. The only reason I ever think it'd be so much easier is cause my heart gets numb and he understood that too. Plus, I've told Sarah this... there have been people here I would date, but they're not good enough for me to mess up what I have with her. If I went into that group, did meet someone, they would have to be so great and so amazing for me to mess up what I have now and if that person was THAT wonderful, then maybe that's who I'm supposed to be with. I'm not going into the group looking for a partner for life, I'm going into it looking for friends, looking for support, looking for help with certain issues. He understood that too and he agreed, they would have to be pretty amazing for me to mess up what I have.

I also told him I was debating on telling Melissa about my sexuality. Right now I'm trying to start a clean slate. Most all of my friends, I hid it from them in some ways, and not in some ways. When I told Lily and Shorty, I just had figured it out for myself. When I told Jake, I'd known for a while. When Brian found out and I confirmed... we'd kinda been talking but that one thing really brought us a lot closer. When I told Kat, I told her because I didn't want to lie to her, I wanted to get to know her better and it be honest and truthful. I told Fetty because I couldn't stand lying to him anymore, but also, I was so worried about his reaction, cause I thought a lot of him, but I also thought he should know the truth if he and I were to seriously continue our friendship. Now, I want to know Melissa better, so I think I should be honest with her from the start, but I have to have some time to decide how she'll take it and such... which I have a pretty good idea she'll be okay with it. But it's like I wrote previously, she tells Tamara and it could be pretty bad. Fetty said he had no clue how Tamara would respond but he could see why that was so confusing. He and I both thought it'd probably be best just to wait on deciding that issue. Give it some more time and let me become more settled with other things.

Fetty has an interest in religions somewhat, I was kinda... I don't know, it's nice to know someone that has some of passion that you do for religions. Instead of having a lot of passion for one religion or a lot of passion for no religion. Anyways, he told me about a few, they really sound interesting and I would love to be able to study more about them, perhaps I will now since I have more freedom. Basically I come down to being Agnostic according to him. Which, yes.... some of the basics of my personal beliefs coinincide with that. I believe I have several other religions mixed in though.


My grandmother came over Sunday night. She's "missed me" and all this. I find it so hard not to laugh at her. She misses me over maybe a month, yet, she didn't over 6 years. I can't stand that woman in so many ways. I get a bad taste in my mouth and my stomach turns. So much BS with her, so so much. And then, grrrrrrrrrr, I just can't take her. Yet, somehow I manage to be nice, I manage to be respectful, when all I want to do is give her a piece of my mind. I can't stand it. And yet, my dad's the one who fu**ing cares if my mom and I call her back. He's the one that talks to her so much. After she treated him like she did. Forgiveness is all fine and well. But I don't get it. My mom and I forgive her, but just because we do, it doesn't mean we have to care about calling her back and that we have to WANT to call her. She wasn't there when I was growing up and becoming the person I'm going to be for the next several years, she's just a void area. But maybe it's because some of the things she perceives and thinks are the same as my dad now? I don't know, I hate the feelings that I have with her. I hate it when she tells me to call her and to come visit with her. I will not feel comfortable ever being alone with her, not anymore. I just want that whole part of my mind/memory to be gone.

Also, I hate how I can't go out with ALL of my friends at once. I can only go out with groups of them. Then there's normally people in there that won't get along with another. Oh my goodness, I HATE that. I was with Brian, Melissa, and Tamara on Saturday... things were good. Sunday I was with Ali, Sean, Tamara, and Sylvia. Then they start talking about others... grrrrr. They assume things without knowing all of it or even knowing a good part of it. And Sean said something to me, trying to tell me something I didn't know, to get a shock value... it didn't work. I already knew. He told me it was freaky how I knew a little bit about everything, about every drama. I jokingly said it was nice. Then he asked me if I knew about his drama, no... I didn't. But, it didn't disheart me. There are many dramas that I wish not to know, I just know what I get told.

Another big thing I've been thinking about lately has been;

My Sexuality

Big bad scary topic....lol. Not really the 2nd time around. I've thought about it several times in between the time when I first decided I was bisexual. But it's never been anything more than "yeah, I really am bisexual" or "I really do like girls, this hasn't went away". But this time, it's a little bit more serious. However at least this time I'm not about to pull out my hair and run around yelling "what's wrong with me!!!!" this time, I know.
I have a bunch of really great guy friends. We're talking guys that I can see their personality traits as things I would want the person I marry to have (burning question: Does Sarah have these traits? Yes) and these guys are cute, I can tell they are. But, my question to myself is... why have I never felt anything as far as being attracted to them? Why have they never really thrown me for a loop? Why have I only really liked a couple of guys? Why are they the only ones I coulda possibly seen myself with? Out of all the guys I know, these 2 are the only ones? And out of all my great guy friends, why am I not the least little bit interested? Why when I talk to this new guy that is so nice and cute that I don't even feel interested in him for more than a friend? Now I'm beginning to wonder to what extent do I like guys. Do I like the male persuasion at all? Or is it just really small? Or maybe it is because I am so in love with Sarah that I don't ever have any feelings towards others?

I told Jess I just wanted to put this behind me for the time being, but she told me I shouldn't. That I should figure this out. But at the moment, I'm at a loss. I need to talk to some people about it. But, I mean, I already know I prefer girls to guys. Just... not how much so. I'd really like to talk to Sarah about it. And it's not like I'm telling her "Hey hun... I honestly think I made a mistake and...UH...I'm really straight!" No, in fact, it might be good news to her...means now I might like just 1 sex instead of both. Lots more to think about as far as that is concerned.