My True Soul

Last few days

I did go to one of the Gays, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Friends meetings. There are about 12 of us and 1 other girl besides me. Did I like it? Yes, from what I experienced, I did.

The last 2 days have been days where I haven't felt like doing much of anything. Just been thinking about different things. I've been in a relatively normal mood. I think it's to keep myself from cracking. I want someone to cuddle with. I want someone that will let me lay my head on their shoulder or in their lap and sleep. I want little things that matter. I want big things that matter more.

Sarah was happy last night. She was pissed off today. Yet, I think, I got her to laugh some. Possibly. I love her and I feel so helpless. I feel helpless with several things. But, I was so happy that she was happy. I am to the honest to goodness point, I'd be so happy if she was happy. Even if I wasn't with her or it wasn't because of me. I just want her to be happy as a person. Geez, there are several people, I just want them to be better.
I wonder if asking her questions would help out.

Tonight, she said "ily!" but then she took the time to type out i love you...that made such a difference to me. Meh, it hurts, I love her so much and I'm so scared. I think that's why I want someone to hold me so much right now. I wish it was Sarah, but, just anyone. There's a part of me, it's hollow, I can feel it...that one part aches. It wasn't when she was in my arms... and I'm loosing what that felt like.

I don't know anymore, I'm just here at the moment... trying to stay out of my old habits, trying to stay out of falling into a dark well.

I think it is like on the movie Riding in Cars with Boys; sometimes you love someone so much that you become numb to it, because if you actually felt how much you loved them, it'd kill you. I keep having wild dreams about everything.

And I keep talking about Sarah in order to remember good times.

Ooo, give'em hell Arnold!!!!

And right now, I'm debating about how to say bye to someone. Cause I want to say something, but I'm not sure how it would go. Know they don't feel too well, just wanna "kiss" their head and tell them I hope they feel better. I want to, but perhaps it's one of those moves that would probably cause soemthing to happen. Oh well...guess I won't. Could be taken as more than a friend thing when it's not.

It is bed time.