My True Soul

Hail to the makers of Ibuprofen!

My week of taking a break? Yeah, I was kidding myself with that one. I'm not complaining, just sorta amused that I thought I'd be able to do it.

Sarah's been... super depressed the last 2 weeks. Amazing how she and I are at the same time. Yet, she has no clue about my rash thoughts and almost, my actions. The cutting has continued for her, but that's better than the alternative. Meanwhile, I've stayed pretty far away from the gun and the knives, pretending the gun isn't there (obviously I do know better, but, ssshhh, part of me doesn't) and that the knives are only for opening things or cutting food. I've had a severe headache most every other day.

I want so badly to do something for Sarah. I asked her something because I cared, because I wanted to make sure she wasn't going to do something rash. She acts like a smart ass. It hurts when you're trying to show someone you care and they act that way. It hurts worse when it was someone you loved with all of your heart and still care a lot about. I want so badly to do something for the whole world. I guess, there are just certain people I wish I could really help. Perhaps because I know they have really good hearts and would make the world a better place just by being who they are.

I tried to be calm. And I think I was til that last little bit, but it hurt so much with her. I think I could have sustained it from most people, but from her...no. She's tired of being underappreciated. I don't know. I try to tell her thank you as often as I can, but... it's other people too. Sadly, people just come to expect you to always be a certain way... and they take it for granted. I do too at times, I'm not innocent of that.

I have to "get up" in roughly 3 hours. I still have...many pages...of notes to go over. I've studied all day and now I have a headache. I'm waiting for my Ibuprofen to kick in. It shouldn't be much longer. I am a perfectionist, in a way, or else I woulda just gone to bed.

So, my whole insides feel like someone with claws just went in and had a fit. My heart feels like it's been slashed/ripped/torn. And I want to take my brain out.

It also amazes me that I can feel so...helpless/worthless and then... be happy in a way. I'm only happy because of someone else, which isn't the best way to be happy.

Skylar = new girl I've been getting to talk to. She's rather interesting. She sent me something, at 5 am yesterday, it was this lil card thing where this koala bear comes out and grows flowers, then he "hands" the flowers you you. In the background, it has "THANK YOU!" pop up. Why did she do this? She got up to use the bathroom, decided to send it to me to tell me "thanks" cause she "enjoys talking" to me so much and cause she was hoping it'd make me smile. Even if it was corny. She and I have, several things in common. It's been nice talking to her. I've gotten to cause I've been up late studying and the only way I can stay awake sometimes is if I talk to someone. Who knows. I have no expectations for this.

Kim = I haven't talked to her in a week. I'm sure she's busy with work, school, trying to sleep, and with her bf. I don't know. She's still a great girl. But, heh.

Amanda = I've thought about her more lately. I don't know what to do there or if I should "do" anything. I'm kinda getting where I don't wanna do anything.

Nichole = she's from GA., she's a total lil fiestball... lol. One that constantly picks on me, in a friendly way, about being southern. She did live in VA....so she, somehow, doesn't think she's southern. But, whatever. She's just fun to talk to. Once again... no expectations.

Halee = her dad was dissing her tonight, which was sad in a way, but he was saying stuff that was true. About how he was sure I didn't want her to call me so much. How I probably wished she'd loose my number. How I was just being nice probably and really thought she was boring.

And Sarah asked me what Halee looked like. (And I wasn't supposed to tell Sarah about Halee, according to Halee, WWOOOPS!!) Anyways, she's not attractive at all to me. I have this thing I do. I coulda lied and tell someone they're cute, right, but that would be lying. So, if I don't really think they are, normally I make some comment refering to the picture. "Oh, where was that? Oh, I love that shirt! You have really nice hair!" Something that sounds nice, but doesn't directly come down to "oh, you're really cute/beautiful/pretty/adorable" etc. I just told Halee "that's not really a good picture... kinda blurry and all" *makes face* Shame shame on Robyn.

"Hey Ya" - Outkast is on the radio. N there are several songs I really like right now. I like the one by Jessica Simpson, Good Charlotte's "Hold on" - that was a brilliant video/song idea, "Perfect" by Simple Plan, and there are many others, those are just the ones that come to mind.

Fetty taught me how to play chess the other day. That was fun. I miss my friends now. I guess, I miss being able to go out with them and just forget everything. To be able to put on that mask and pretend everything was okay because, well, I was Robyn and Robyn to them doesn't get depressed. Robyn gets a little down sometimes, but she always pulls through, and she never thinks about suicide or doesn't have anything that bogs her down so much. It's fun to pretend you're someone you're truly not = Halloween & Acting. Then again, there is some truth in everything... important thing to remember. I miss people that I normally don't wanna be around. I can't wait to be around them right now. I'm sure that'll change.

N part of me feels like I should be here for Sarah as much as I can possibly humanly be. But, she has to figure some out on her own. I can't do everything. (Not saying I had to with her, just reminding myself I'm not responsible for everything) I always hope for my friends to be okay, to get better, and to be able to see they aren't so bad. I guess it's my alternative to praying - hoping. I have hope normally. My religious views are just a lil confuddled.

My ibuprofen is working now totally.