My True Soul

Picture Perfect Wannabe

Have ya ever felt like something was just missing from inside of you? It's like no matter what you do, you just can't seem to be content. You're missing something. You need something. You want something. And you may have a slight idea what it is, but then, when you get it, you can feel your insides being filled. You feel content, you feel happy, you have gotten what you want. It's like there's a hole and nothing can fill it, so you think, then something or someone does. I finally feel content, I felt empty this weekend. Now I understand what it was. Now it all makes sense. At least I think I know.

I'm taking quizzes, I really want to sleep. Sleep is my other way of feeling content no matter what. Anyways. I took one on what type of kiss I am. I have a goodbye kiss, much passion and longing, but never lasting. Bummer about the not lasting part. My sign of affection? Footsie - you like to goof around and laugh with the people you care about...I think that's absolutely right, lol.

I told Shorty I felt like I was acting like a lil kid...she just said I am a lil kid. Oh, How old is Your Inner Child? Lemme take this quiz. I'm guessing 5. I was wrong, I'm 10! "The adult world is pretty irrelevant to me. Whether I'm off on my bicycle (or pony) exploring, lost in a good book, or giggling with my best friend, I live in a world apart, one full of adventure and wonder and other stuff adults don't understand."
What cuss word am I? Dumbass.
I have Mysterious eyes. "Your independent and secretive and mysterious. You appear cold and distant, but hey, at least no one messes with you."
Woooo!! This is hilarious! This one I few with... well..skepticism. What Kind of Girlfriend Am I? "Perfect - You're the perfect girlfriend. Which means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're the kind of chick that can hang out with your boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't care about presents or about going to fancy places. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy being around your boyfriend. Mercurial, Loving, Tomboyish."

Ever have those moments when you realize you want something and you don't know if you'll get it? It's odd. Grr, I'm thinking a lot again. This is why I should just go sleep. Reg and I are discussing life and love. You never know who you'll end up with, if you'll end up with anyone, and even if you do, how do know it's the right person. She said, who wants to be alone. Ya kno, thus far, in my very limited experiences... if someone's right for me, I feel it so deep within, n I can feel deeply about someone and care, but it's just not the same and it's so hard for me to explain. I felt it for a while with Sarah... it dwindled out and doesn't exist for her now. But, that feeling, the feeling of.... oh it's so deep... so quenching when filled. It's the same feeling when I find something I feel passionate about. It, heh, I'll sound like a wimp here. It makes me so happy n I feel so much all at once. It's like looking at a beautiful painting and having it move you and you crying. It consumes you like a warm breeze and wraps you in this blanket. Anyways, I told her this. "I love it when I finally talk to someone who just understands me, who I jive with, where there's a deep profound connection, I love that feeling. And for that feeling, I'll go through hell."

Talking to Chandra about telling people around her that she's bisexual. I told her all it did for me was bring my true friends to me and make them closer. I had some bad experiences with it. But alas, they only made me stronger and they're over now. I will go through worse, I realize this. She said she's never thought of the good side to it all. I told her it's hard to when you're scared, when all you hear are horror stories, when you don't know how things will go. She said she thought she was so honest, but she guessed not. It's a really hard thing to let other people see your soul. It's really hard to see your own soul for yourself. It's hard to be honest. And this is what amuses me so much... it's so hard to be honest, but it's also so easy. It makes things easier in the long run, but so hard at first. It's hard to let people within that area, where they know you as well as you know yourself. I want someone who knows me that well, who I know won't hurt me, and who will remain mostly silent about knowing me that well. They'll let me be, let me live, and when I forget who I am, that's when I want them to remind me, when I want them to scoop me off the floor and sing back the song of my soul, the song they know by heart, the song that makes me alive again.

I wonder if I think too highly of life? Too highly of love? Too highly of what I want/feel I deserve? IDK, Reg and I had this conversation. Don't settle.

I'm going to bed now, my arse hurts... too much sitting today. My eyes are blurry, my throat hurts, n I feel grungy.

Damian's telling me that I'm pretty. That's really nice, ya kno. But I don't believe and I never will unless my personality changes a lot. Then I feel guilty for being so harsh with him. I really just don't want to hear it. Now he says it again and I just want him to hush. I never am gonna believe that unless I finally meet someone who can really really make me believe it and that seems impossible. Sometimes you just hate something about yourself so much and with such a passion, you poison yourself with the hatred. I've done that with how I look. It's amazing that I can feel so much hatred and contempt for something so .... superficial? Yes, superficial. And that makes me hate myself more for it because of how I hate how much I hate how I look. It's an evil circle.