My True Soul

Approval? Of What? Of Who?

So, I got called a ... well, lol, by Lily tonight.
She and I spent quite a while discussing different things. Things about life, things mostly about love. Talking about my feelings.

Lily constantly tells me she has to "approve" of whoever I end up with. I do not think that anyone will ever be good enough to please her. I normally listen to her. But tonight? I don't know why I should. Not because I don't trust her and I know she'd be looking out for me not getting hurt but... damn, that's what life's about. And why should I listen to her tell me about who I should and shouldn't be with when I don't think she can pick out people for herself... lol. And I'm gonna like whoever I want and just not worry about it. The only person I kinda care about approving? Eric. Why? We're alike. I already know how he feels too, so no biggie.

He and I had a discussion about religion earlier today. Religion irks me. He's had several people tell him that his dad was in eternal damnation. That his dad was in hell. And he admitted that maybe he didn't wanna accept that cause it was his dad. But, I told him I couldn't fathom it. From all that Eric says, his dad was a very wonderful man with a huge heart. He was like Eric is. And I cannot imagine someone that pure being in eternal damnation. This is my problem with religion, I don't think there should be such a division. This was the thing I could never accept when I was growing up, why all these other people in the world would go to hell while, at the time, only certain demoninations of protestant christianity would be saved. Now? I don't understand why only Christians will be saved. I cannot... at one point I tried so hard to believe in it all... but I can't for that reason. It's never been because I'm bi that I can't accept christianity. No... I tried to figure out my religious beliefs before I ever started trying figure out my sexual orientation.

It seems Eric and I always discuss religion. Why? I guess we feel the safest with one another cause we agree so much. He told me this guy told him that God was not meant to unite people, but instead, to divide them with a sword. I about fell over in shock - so did he, I think. *sighs* Very touchy subject. I don't know, I feel like maybe I should think about it more often because it seems like so many of my friends do, but... with what I believe now, I'm pretty strong in. Lily and I discussed religion too. We talked about how I never did certain things. That wasn't the case, I just never discussed my religious beliefs with anyone. It's the south. Nuff said. I would talk to Manda about things somewhat. Other than that? I talked to Carmel about it all. She and I were both going through that at the same time. I don't know. It's nice to think about things and grow.

After I've decided what I believe, pretty much, I stick to it. I haven't changed my mind much about things with religion since I was 15. That's almost been 5 years. And I've been given reasons to think about it during that time. Watching Manda get more religious, meeting Chris who was a druid, talking to Reg, listening to my friends, getting to know Eric, being with someone who is an Atheist, meeting Joby n listening to his Agnostic viewpoints, seeing my friends do things - i.e. Ali, and so many other things.

My sexuality confuses me more. I normally am not attracted to guys nor do I want to be with one. Then part of me? I know it'd be so much easier. And obviously... the word bi indicates attracted to both. Then there are times where, lol, I should just say I was a lesbian and get it over with... haha. And at other times? LoL, I should just declare myself asexual and not worry about it. Now? I've reached the best solution. I will feel whatever I feel for whomever regardless of their gender/sex/race/ethnicity/religious beliefs/political views/class.

I need to call Eric more often. I was really glad I called him tonight. I had fun talking to him. I've missed talking to him so much. He's so goofy, lol, he was so happy about me calling... made me feel like I mattered to someone. I come so close to believing him when he says he cares. Haha, he had to tell me what his new boxers looked like... *shakes head* n later, I said something about needing to buy him another pair as a joke (the pair he got has "change daily" on them) and Lily just looked at me kinda funny. I don't know. There was a time for about... oh... uh 3 days where I thought about if I liked Eric or not. That was.... about 2 years ago. This year, Kat asked me if I had any feelings for him before she told me how she felt about him. Thinking about makes me realize she is a good person. Eric's a a good friend n sorta like a bro, but a bro where you can talk openly about everything.

Oh, haha. April, I asked Eric if I was more of a thinker than a feeler. He told me that it was okay to be both n that I probably was. I asked Lily, she said both, but probably more of a thinker. At times, I don't feel like I ever think about anything compared to other people. I have no clue, lol. I wonder how I appear to other people. And I wonder if some people laugh at me hysterically because they can see through everything. That scares me as well. Oh well, I take those things to tell ya if you're more left brained or right brained, I normally am like 52% of one and 48% of another. I amuses me. You would think I'd be well balanced.

I'm so tired.
The movie Boat Trip, it's hilarious but in a perverted way sometimes, but I really like several parts of it. There was one part where a guy's talking about how his dad didn't talk to him for 20 years. Then when his dad was on his death bed, he told him that he was sorry and just said "we're all god's children" and meh, I thought it had a good point to it for being such a silly comedy.

And Lily and I talked about her dad today. I think that's been the first time we've really talked about him since... well... forever. People constantly said she hated her dad and all this crap. It pissed me off. Everyone has a story. There's always so much more to everything than it appears and rarely do people have perfect families. Actually, I doubt anyone has a perfect family. Never think someone does. You can always find out differently. But people didn't know anything about her past and about why she felt as she did and they still went on and on and that's what pissed me off. My parents did that and then when I tried to explain some things to them, they still wouldn't listen.

It's 4:30 in the morning. I'm still fairly awake. I'm not sure why. So tired, but so awake. I guess I have several things running through my mind.