My True Soul

Intriacate - like artwork

I've been reading things this morning. Things from the older part of my journal. Things from someone else's journal. The e-mails between us. Why? Just trying to understand the dynamics between us. Reading how I changed. How they've changed. How life just goes on, how you can know so much, but be so far. But yet, so close. How things fit in, but without smothering one another. And yet, I wonder what it is that keeps the connection so well, so delicately, so gentle. It's like the way a glassblower makes a seemingly shapeless good into something so intricate, delicate, but yet, firm and hard. But then... deep down, there's no way it should be compared to glass, it's more like the work of sculptor who uses stone, iron, or steel. It's like a building, yes. Reg's analogy. Buildings as a comparision to trust, to friendship, to love. It all works. Strong foundation... and then, layer by layer. I think that we've got a basement, a deep basement, and now we're just adding to the surface layers. Maybe that's a way to look at it.

Intricate - like artwork. So complicated, so delicated, with such a strong statement, with so much passion only few can understand it. Yes, I like that.

It's 7:30 am and I'm awake. Why? I went to sleep around 10:30 last night and slept until almost 2 am. Now? I don't know. Nermal's babies - which I've still not named (help) - are starting to play around in their box a lot. In a couple of weeks, they'll want out and want free roam. My mom wants me to take Hoodoo and LC with me n get their shots and stuff. I want to take my babies - Nerms, TB, and the wee lass and lad. But I don't want 6 cats. 6 cats to take care of when I'm going to be gone one day from 9 something until 6:15 at night (Oh the way I dread that) I can't do it. I don't want to leave Nermal behind because well, she's my cat, n I want to see the little kittens grow n I'm NOT coming home every single freakin weekend, I think my mom's under the delusion that I am. Then, I don't want to leave TB behind, I mean, a kitten (goodness, he's that big and still not a year old! 11-11-03 is his b-day...) who'll jump into your arms... how can you not have him around? And he's like... an alarm clock. He hears mine go off and comes in to make sure I'm up. I have to decide this in about a week.

We've now got a new dog, apparently. He just showed up on Friday. We're calling him Fred. He's the type of dog that's not aggravating. Ya kno, to this day, I'm not sure if I'm a dog or cat person. I like both. But I'm afraid of some dogs. And I like to be able to pick the cats up, so I guess I'm a cat person.

I also went through and picked out a bunch of quotes earlier. I think I could just sit and read most all day. I've gone through and remembered a lot of things about myself and the other.

And call me cheesy, but I love this song. "Accidently in love" by the Counting Crows. Nermal wants attention. I'm not giving it to her. I don't know, I feel awful about this. She wants attention, I don't give it to her cause I just want 5 minutes of peace. And this all makes me wonder how I'm gonna be in a serious relationship and as a parent. Sometimes I just need space, I just need time, I just want and have this innate urge to be by myself, to get lost in my thoughts, to let my mind wander. But, I don't want to end up with someone who gives me so much space because they're constantly distant and constantly keeping themselves from me. I want to have a simplistic, to me, understanding between us. I don't want someone who calls me constantly and always expects me to be able to cheer them up. I can't always do it... I don't always need to be the one to do it either. I guess I'm moody, eh? This is the thing, I want someone I can bare my soul to, someone I know that I can go to and they'll just hold me and let me cry even when I say I don't want anyone to touch me, and someone who will know when I just need time to be alone. For example, my mom slammed (lol - yes) the back hatch door or whatever on the Explorer onto my head. This really hurt, no duh, eh? But she started apologizing, I just didn't want to hear it, I know she was sorry, but goodness. Then I was slightly pissed for a lil bit... I mean, wouldn't you be pissed if you had this door slammed directly down upon your head?? It was an accident, but still, it hurt like all hell. She then goes to touching my arm after this... I just looked at her "don't touch me" and I don't know why I get so much like that... but I do, I always have.

Grrrr, bummer. *hops up and down n cusses a little* Damnit! If you're trying to figure this lil bit out, give up. Freakin b! Time, stupid silly time, lol. You know what? I really should be like "life sucks right now" cause I have ssoooo many dynamics going on in my life and only one is really good. The rest? No, they're not that great. Not to say they're devastating, but still, not pleasant. But, I'm not too upset about it all. I'm not... maybe I've changed. NARF!!! (lol, mm hmm, me not being upset... but what started this was about something not involving me too much really) Let me not scream, let me not.... nnnnooooo must find center... must find... must yell... nooo, bad. Ok. Aww f***in b, if this is what I think, I'll go insane for a little bit n I will end up yelling and ranting to someone. *sighs* *bites lip* It is what I think. I just said I was too bias to say anything, so whatever, tis best I just keep my mouth shut. *groans* I will never understand this, never. Ooo, it's been a long time since I've shook from being so annoyed and stuff. I think it's a sign of trying to keep my emotions in check. Argh. I just said I think you always fight with yourself, somehow, someway. Grrr, and I'm so thankful for one thing about my parents - they never shoved this down my throat. And they seem to think they can find a way not to fight with themselves... at all... well, I certainly wish them good luck. Change is so predictable, people change, things change, events happen, life happens, and the whole entire sum of who we are? It's due to the fights with ourselves, the results of our battles, our experiences, our f***ups, our mistakes, of our passions, of our truths, of our joys, the things we figure out, and what we learn along the way. Everytime you decide how you feel about something, you fight, everytime something changes in your world, you fight.

Friggin' are my views of life and the world screwed up? Or am I the only one who sees it like that? I think... I'm too optimistic for the world. And I think... I'm far too logical for the world. Or maybe I'm just blind to everything? Narf, so many things that go on in this world and so many ways to look at them. How can some people say that the world is completely black and white? Right and wrong? Night and Day? How? How is it possible to say that? That's why we have other colors - why we have green, brown, yellow, gray, charcoal gray, snow gray, salt n pepper gray, smoke gray, concrete gray... dear...all the shades of gray alone and then all the other colors. That's why we have exceptions to rules, to laws even. And why do you think we have dawn and dusk? Life is meant to be more than just black and white.

And since when do people decide if someone is or isn't something? Well, haha, people do that all the time, but argh, this would make more sense if I went into it.

*sighs and mind collapses onto very soft bedding*

Must do check-up on something later today.
Want cocoa pebbles. Time to go drown my sorrows in cereal that snaps n talks to me and produces rich chocolate milk.

aaahhhhhhhh!!!!! I found out who this song is by!!! Fingereleven - One Thing. I looooooooovvvveeee this song. YAY! Happy times!!!!! (Now, tell me, I'm not insane, am I?)