My Life on a Plate

Resentment

Memo to self - Painful to write but maybe some fodder for future writing at least.

Memo to others - Long and involved personal feelings. You have been warned.

Went out to an Italian restaurant last night with hubby and son. As I sat in my all male company a group of a dozen women came into the restaurant, laughing and joking. Obviously someone's birthday. The women ranged from very young to quite mature and I couldn't help but think if any of them would suffer grief from their husbands when they arrived home. I fought long and hard to hold back the tears of resentment that now live with me every day. I know we shouldn't dwell in the past, but when your future looks bleak you cannot help wondering why you didn't take action at a time when it would have made a difference. It's not self pity as much as regret.

I cannot erase the sharpness of the memories I have of bitter moments from the past twenty five years. They are as vivid today as they were at the time. I wish I could; I wish I could wipe the slate clean, eradicate the resentment and try to start over, but I guess I'm not as forgiving as I claim to be. I don't understand why my resentment is so strong now, unless it's because there is nothing left now to distract my mind from it; kids are grown up and I don't work any more.

The first occasion was shortly after my marriage. I went on a Christmas weekend shopping expedition to France with some of my colleagues for a weekend. The boat trip back was rough, the coach was late and I arrived home to a very angry, nasty man who gave me hell well into the early hours of the morning. I can't remember all the details but I found it very difficult to understand how someone could blame a late vehicle on me personally, but that wasn't really the issue. More a case of 'you've been missing for a weekend and I don't like it.'

Within a year my time was taken up with my new baby. I'd moved from a city to live with him in the middle of nowhere, I'd given up my career to look after my son and it was a pretty lonely time. Later I joined mother and toddler groups to meet new people. I made a good friend of a lady named Beryl who looked after a local doctors's daughter. We had many happy times together. The first Christmas all the ladies went out on a coach for a meal. When I arrived back at eleven at night I was greeted by that same angry, nasty person and suffered hours of verbal abuse as to why the coach was so late back. I told him how ridiculous he was and he was apologetic the next day but the exact same thing happened the following Christmas. I didn't enjoy the outing at all as I was nervous of what would be said on return. The other mothers could hardly believe my situation.

Son started school, I returned to part time work and years rolled by. I made some good friends in teaching and once in a while we'd go out for a meal or a drink. Every time I went out I returned to the same grumpy, silent, followed by verbally abusive treatment. Eventually the outings stopped as people moved on or started families. Then came retirement. At first we did a lot together, but just now and again I'd spend an evening with friends. Same reaction. Then, as mentioned previously, I made a few friends on the internet which has caused hassle from the start. Many times I've threatened 'change your attitude or I'm out of here.' He's tried, maybe is still trying, but leopards basically don't change their spots. I manage to go to the odd school reunion or meal with friends without too much harrassment now, but the damage is done and I cannot rid my heart of the bitter resentment of what I've missed out on. He says he's okay now, I can do what I like and he's so sorry for being that way in the past. But I can't see Beryl any more; she passed away some years ago; I can't go out with my old colleagues, they've all moved on and I just feel I'm destined to be in his company every night now for as long as I have left. He never goes anywhere of an evening, unless it's with me.

I read a piece on here yesterday too, about a lady who goes on an annual trip with a friend to have a break from being carers. How I'd loved to have done that! The only times I've been away overnight are a few days I've spent at Wimbledon with my mum and a rare stopover at my sisters. The only time he's been away is when he's been in hospital! Those of you who know the film 'Shirley Valentine' may understand why it's my favourite movie of all time. How I relate to her, how I long to do what she did, but I fear it may be too late. When my new passport arrived in the post I had this feeling that if I could afford it I could go somewhere alone, and ultimately there's nothing he could do about it. But I lack courage as well as money.

I used to think his insane jealousy stemmed from his first wife commiting adultery, but still it is not an excuse. I have never been unfaithful and had no intentions of being. Sure, I love a little light-hearted flirting with men, who doesn't, but that's not acceptable behaviour in his mind and even putting a few XXXX on an e-mail to male friends has caused hell on earth. I refuse to end my communications with 'Yours Faithfully.' Now, I don't think that is the root cause; I just think it's an innate part of his nature. He trusts no one, all men are out for sex and all internet users are perverts and paedophiles. How do you reason with someone who holds such opinions? He socialises with family only, a few golfers and my friends when we hold parties etc but he cannot accept my gregarious nature as a natural thing. It's always a threat to him, a sign I prefer others over him. When I take into account that I took on his daughter from his first marriage and helped raise her, had a simple register office wedding due to him being divorced and no honeymoon because of the child then it doesn't balance out.

I'm far from perfect. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life and done things I bitterly regret. But I still can't think that I've deserved this 'punishment' and deprivation because of his illogical, jealous nature. He'd go berserk if he knew I'd written this somewhere for public viewing and I'm aware maybe I shouldn't, but I need an outlet and also a record of events and feelings. Anything real would most likely be discovered 'accidentally' if left in the house. There is more, much more, but for the moment I've said enough and maybe that resentment is a little calmed now.

As a footnote I'll add he's not all bad. He'd do anything for the kids and to help my family. He'd get me anything I wanted if he thought it would make me happy. He cares when I'm ill, upset or depressed. He's a big help in the home and I know he worships the ground I walk on. But that's part of the problem; I don't want to be placed on a pedestal and be someone's possession. My freedom of choice is more important and I just wish I'd thrashed this out many years ago. Yes, I'm aware some of it is my fault.