My Life on a Plate

When the Going gets Tough

I had no idea what to write in here today and Tuesday being the busiest day of the week I thought I may as well just miss a day. But having checked out my favourite journals I've changed my mind.

Like La Belle Rouge I stared at the blank space and wondered if I should write the truth and what I really feel, which I know I have done at times in the past, but am still not sure it's right. But a journal is a place for our most private thoughts and deepest feelings so I make no apologies for my honesty. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve, offline and on, which leads me nicely to Dan's very interesting entry today.

Yesterday I felt in need of a friend, today I find myself missing my 'absent' friend again and am questioning if it is him, me or just the strange nature of online relationships which is the problem.

When I first started using the internet I chatted online to my sister and friends I know in 'real' life. I think I can say they came across as the same characters I know and love - but then they wouldn't be pretending to be something else would they? After a while my son introduced me to Yahoo Games as he knows I love to play Scrabble. The joy of playing 'real' people instead of a machine was something I relished and I found it fascinating chatting to people all over the globe. Admittedly I came across the odd nutter or abusive opponent, but there are always some in all walks of life and easy enough to get away from them on here, so no big deal. Eventually, I found people at my level who seemed on the same wavelength and found myself playing those people regularly, one in particular. My first mistake; I became quite emotionally attached to this man but after two years he proved just what a volatile, sadistic, untrustworthy person he was and I was badly hurt when he left. I vowed I would never do that again and I've stuck to my promise. I think a lot of internet users are by nature 'needy' people and there's just something unique and special about having a relationship where nothing is needed but the heart and mind, as can happen online where there are no physical distractions. I have spent another happy two years online playing games with many people, five of whom I consider regulars, three of them I thought to be special friends. Now I'm down to two it seems.

I have no illusions. I don't dream of meeting these people and if I did I wouldn't expect to automatically get on with them. After all, we are all just people, warts and all. But what I didn't expect was one of these people to just turn their back on me after a friendship of three years. Although my 'absent' friend admitted to avoiding me due to his own strange mood I have still had no further contact. The problem with online relationships is that opportunity to just disappear without trace; not really an option in real life, where someone always knows your whereabouts. I'm hurt, upset and angry but have enough pride to resist contacting him again. It just leaves another hole; sometimes I wonder how many more I can take before the whole fabric of my being collapses.

And what does it say of me? That I'm gullible, a poor judge of character, a person to be tossed aside when I'm not needed any longer? Sadly, it makes me wary of playing strangers now, makes me not want to bother making new friends or putting my trust in any one. I still find it hard to accept the fact that not everyone is a 'highly sensitive person,' and cannot believe someone could just dismiss me from their life in such a heartless way. At my age I should know better but we cannot alter our natures. It may be true that when the going gets tough, the tough get going, but what of those of us who have no hard shell?

So, I'm happy to trust my Writing.Com friends and the two diamonds I've found through playing Scrabble and I'm grateful for that. I just wish it was easy to forget the ones who let us down too but that seems impossible right now.

Tonight I shall sit in my writing group and I know I shall be the class clown, as usual. I'll make them laugh and they'll have no idea of the tears I shed inside, but as Dan says do we ever really know anyone as they truly are?