My Life on a Plate

Deadlier Than The Male

I'm not sure I've ever seen such disgusting weather in May and how the British government can talk of droughts after three days of solid rain, I do not know. But I have my own axe to grind.

Wet days mean no golf, gardening or manly outdoor activities and the opportunity to spend a little girly time alone is completely lost. Spending days in close proximity to males does make me ask a few questions about their behaviour however.

1. Why is it whenever I want to use the toilet or bathroom, there's always a man occupying it? Sometimes I swear there are at least two dozen men living in my house as getting into the loo or bathroom requires immaculate timing and the speed of movement of a pursued gazelle. And what the hell do they do in there? No bodily function I know of can possibly take the amount of time they spend on the throne. And why is it they need more cosmetics than I could use in a decade? Hubby's almost bald and son has a grade one haircut, so how much damn shampoo do they need between them?

2. Why is it when men get behind a steering wheel, they become characters from horror movies? They race other vehicles at lights, swerve round corners until every item falls off the dashboard, drive too close to the vehicle in front with no regard for bad weather and give me whiplash every time they have to pull up sharp. I gave up driving years ago so daren't complain too much, but I always arrive home from a shopping trip with only one nerve left in tact and my belief in miracles restored by the fact I'm still alive.

3. Why is it men say they'll support you in an effort to lose weight, then fill the supermarket trolley with everything they know you shouldn't be eating? When I comment maybe biscuits and crisps aren't a good idea and I'd prefer wholemeal bread to white, I get scoffed at for being too fussy. Do they want me to be fat? Are they jealous of my results or more likely feel insecure knowing I'm succeeding in my quest to look better?

4. Why is it men have no regard for household items? They have to put sport on the television at every available opportunity be it football, cricket or tiddlywinks. If it involves balls, physical contact or competition it has to be on. Five minutes later they've left the room (for the bog I suspect) and the television is left playing to itself. According to men, stair rails are where you keep your clothes, papers belong on tables and shoes make a suitable floor covering.

5. And why is it, if I complain about any of the above I'm nagging, whinging or moaning, but if they can't get in the bathroom, are cut up on the road, can't find their socks or someone's eaten their favourite biscuit it's perfectly okay to swear, shout, stomp and blame someone else - usually me.

The mysteries of men...Ill never understand them. Maybe the answers are blowing in the wind but I'm not going out in this foul weather to find out. Please God, let it be sunny tomorrow or domestic war could break out and I think I might be on the losing side.