My Life on a Plate

Dear Scarlett...

I mentioned unpredictable changes in my entry yesterday, then actually experienced one on the first day of the month. Nothing earth-shattering or vitally important, but something I hadn’t anticipated at all.

I went to the hairdressers only to discover my stylist of three years has suddenly upped and left. A shame as I really liked her and she’d managed to form a friendly, working relationship with my hair, which others have failed to achieve.

So, I now have a different stylist and as the salon was short-staffed, appointments were running late so I sat waiting, then out of boredom picked up a magazine. Now I rarely read magazines and can’t remember the last time I glanced at a wimmins one, but I really was quite intrigued by some of the contents.

I flipped over the pages with celebrity scandal – who’s marrying/divorcing/pregnant by/ committing adultery with/ or snogging who. Frankly my dear…

I scanned the articles by readers with headlines like ‘My head blew up and my skin fell off,’ ‘I lost my virginity to a chicken,’ and ‘I bought a new vagina for my husband,’ because frankly my dear…

Then I reached the ‘Problem Page’ and couldn’t resist studying some of the letters. Here are a few samples I attempted my own replies to -

1. I always leave clothes lying around everywhere, but never thought of it as a problem until my boyfriend told me he’s sick of living like this. He says it’s either him or my clothes. I feel gutted. What should I do? - Liz.


Well, Liz it really depends on your clothes. If they’re all designer gear and terribly expensive, then kick him out and then you’ll have more space to leave your clothes lying about. On the other hand if it’s all cheap crap, then bag it up and take it to the nearest charity shop. See how he likes it when you go out nekkid to do the weekly shop.


2. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year, but for the last four months he’s been questioning me about where I go and who I speak to on the phone and the internet. He doesn’t let me out of his sight. It started when I went clubbing once without him and he assumed I was cheating. I told him I’m not, but he says I’m a lying cow and a slut. It’s getting me down and I don’t know what to do. – Louise.


I speak from the voice of experience on this one and feel your pain Louise. Pack your bags then get on the first bus, train, boat, plane or spaceship you come across and distance yourself as far away from this man as possible. It might be an idea to murder him first to prevent him tracking you down. So stop reading this and get moving – NOW.


3. I’ve been with my partner for two years and he’s suggested he’d like to try a threesome. I’m excited by the idea but worried it might be a mistake. What do you think? - Kira


It depends who he’s suggesting a threesome with. If it’s another woman, then he’s obviously bored stiff (or not) with you. Another man might be more to your advantage but just remember when they turn over, fart and fall asleep you could be trapped between the pair of them, be gassed to death or unable to escape once the snoring duet in G flat major starts.


4. I’m 24 and my boyfriend has just bought me a vibrator. I know it sounds silly but I don’t know how to use it. – Jodie


HUH? If your boyfriend feels inadequate enough to supply you with a vibrator, then my advice is– ditch the boyfriend, get to know the vibrator and please yourself, if you’ll excuse the pun. At least it won’t snore, fart or hog the remote and if it starts going down the pub too often you can take its batteries out and immobolise it.


5. I’ve always been a career woman and have my own business. My boyfriend is handsome, rich, intelligent, has a great sense of humour and is very generous. He wants to take me on a cruise for a month, but I’m worried my business will suffer if I go. How can I tell him without sounding ungrateful? – Tracey


Well Tracey love, that’s not an easy one. Of course your business is far more important than this man. As a special favour to you, just send me his phone number and I’ll give him a call and put it to him subtly. I’ll get back to you on it…say in a month, okay?


A Medium once predicted I’d one day run a dating agency or an advice column. What do you think? Am I suitable for the job?

Someone remind me to take a decent book to the hairdressers next time I go.