My Life on a Plate

Still Reeling

Thank you for all your kind comments, c-notes, mail and support. They have helped and the fact I feel worse today than yesterday does not mean I don't appreciate everything you do to hold me up.

Yesterday panic stations set in. There were many phone calls, e-mails and time spent wracking our hearts as to if there was anything we could do. Every relative and friend has contacted Paul to try to make him at least delay his plans. His phone isn't working so that doesn't help matters, but last thing we still hadn't heard a word from him. Hubby even packed a case and moved some money about to fly out and talk to him face to face. I knew he wouldn't.

Needless to say I had a hangover this morning and I dread to think how many cigarettes I've smoked. I feel rough and I know the answer doesn't lie in bottles or packets of any kind, but I am not a bundle of strength right now, if ever.

This morning Paul e-mailed, then phoned and I'm afraid I didn't handle it very well. I am still distraught and I know I've upset him but there is nothing I can do to change that right now. It seems nothing anyone says or does is going to change his plans. His e-mail was full of naive and childish statements such as they never argue. I have pointed out not many two-week old lovers do, but it's water off a duck's back. I'm left stunned and feeling like I'm in the middle of a nightmare. It could be funny if it weren't so tragic and I have to question my ability as a parent if he will do something so impulsive and irrational.

I cannot tell you how many emotions are competing for dominance in my whirling head. But what has made today worse than yesterday is the anger I feel. I hate aggression; my mother is aggressive and so is my husband. I've joked in the past about writing a novel entitled 'I Married My Mother.' So I try hard not to be aggressive and anger is a wasted emotion I don't like having. I'm angry at myself for being angry too, if you understand what I mean. I cannot list all the things I'm angry about, it would far exceed five and some nasty thoughts are best left unsaid at the moment.

This afternoon I made the conscious decision to do nothing more or have any contact with my son until the anger has lessened. I cannot think anything through until it has subsided and surely it will have to at some stage. You may not agree with my decision but at this moment in time it's all I can come up with.

I have managed to read and comment on a few blogs and I will try and put the Blogville News together at some stage if I can, but I'm afraid my sense of humour is on vacation right now and it will take some time to arrive home I suspect.

Thanks to you all again, you have no idea how much your wise words and support mean to me. Please lend me your shoulders for a while longer - I promise not to take my anger out on you.