My True Soul

To Time

It’s been a long time since I’ve updated ANY journal. I think the last time I updated my personal one… was….maybe back in October when I quit my job. There are numerous reasons and very good reasons about that. Plus, today, I had a good day and actually have some time to write about it.

This semester began out with me working and taking 15 hours. Okay, I’ve taken 19 hours before… maybe twice, I’m not sure. Point being, taking 17-19 hours is something I’ve done more often than not. However this semester kicked me in the ass.

I had one class, the Holocaust, where we basically had to read 5 whole books and the professor let everything be a possibility for the 2 tests we had in there. I’m not sure how I’ve done in it, but, wow… it was hard.
I finished Spanish IV this semester… I’m aiming for a Spanish minor. 14 hours down, 10 to go. But, in general… learning a new language requires time outside class to review, study, and practice.
Sensation and Perception, completing one of VERY few psych requirements I have before I get my degree. It was OK after I learned what to expect of the professor… and I imagine it was still way better than taking bio psych with the department head. Plus, the professor amused me.
Religion and Society with Dr. B, it was… I knew what to expect, that was nice. However, amused, because he was so much harder the time I had him before. But, in exchange, he’s gotten bitchier in some ways. I think he’s trying to figure out a slightly new teaching method however after talking to him today.
American Lit II, the tests were kind of hard, lot of material, and I did not do as well on the paper as I had wanted (damn writing so many research papers in APA the past year…. And having to repeat yourself 50 million times in them.) But, I really enjoyed the professor. He was amusing and made the class really interesting.
Because of these classes, I spent my entire Thanksgiving break reading. I interacted with my family somewhat.

Manda and I are still together. It’s almost been a year and a half. We have ups and downs, but, we get through them. The past week I’ve really appreciated her ability to make me laugh and to reach out and comfort me whenever I’m about to fall to pieces. And her being happy with me and for me as well.

I spoke to my friend Eric not too long ago. I miss talking to him. (I’ve not really talked to many people this semester) I told him how I felt about Manda… about needing to talk to her (which I did later that day) but how I wasn’t sure how to express myself cause I do so much better with writing (in any language). All he said was “I’m sure she’ll understand, especially if you tell her you have problems with that.” She does, did, and always has.

It’s the end of finals week. Manda is in her English final right now. She has to write an entire essay in the 3 hour time block. I don’t think she’s ever really had to do that. (I had to in high school for AP English) It’s been 2 and a half hours, just about… I’m hoping it’s all coming out okay. So far, she’s gotten 2 A’s this semester, I’m really proud of her.

I still have a paper to revise and turn in by tomorrow at 5. I’ll worry with it later. Then I have to write a research paper for this conference I’m going to in January. My professor who I’m working with on this gave me a partner back in the summer and other than his knowledge of how to do power point, he’s going to be useless. (I work so much better alone.)

However, mentioning the conference… I get to share a room with a girl who is a grad student and came with the aforementioned professor when they moved here from Missouri. I’ve had her as a lab TA before. She’s actually one of the people I probably would get along with… but what has struck me as strange is that she apparently likes me somewhat. Ah… and I’ll probably be the one driving the 4 hours it takes to get to the place. However, that’s ok. It takes me 3 and a half hours to get home…and I’m good with directions. She took care of the hotel room crap anyways.

Today, after my Lit final, I went to pick up my 4th exam from Dr. B. I made a 100 on it, 4th time for that happening, it was nice. However, he was wanting to know how far along was I from graduating, if I had any plans for grad school. It was really assuring to talk to him. He told me he definitely thought I would do really well in grad school, in any discipline, and would especially do well with sociology because I’m able to grasp the concepts well. He also offered his counsel if I had any questions or just wanted to talk. Dr. S did that this summer, but… after she told me how she picked her path… it scared me. (Different disciplines, different schools, and just went with the one that worked the best) I told Dr. B about that, he was surprised, and just agreed with me when I said that was a little too vague. However, I feel a lot easier talking to him in some ways. I think they’re both brilliant professors though. And since I’ve been at MSU, there has not been many I’ve really admired or looked up to.

Nice to have someone that has looked at your work say they think you have what it takes.

Tyler got brought up by one of Manda’s friends. I really wish I would have went through all of my reasons for breaking up with him (basically). However… he doesn’t deserve to know.

I really would like to have some people here to hang out with. However, I think I’m still really worried about having a rehap with someone like him. It’s impaired my desire to actually get close to a potential friend. This is still a problem… maybe it’ll go away soon.

Of course, I still don’t trust my mom after April. I still don’t feel the same. And after the year we’ve had, I fear telling my parents some things. I wonder if that’ll ever go away too.

Here’s to time.


P.S. Thanks Lenny for your concern and for nudging me to update. I feel a lot better now and a little more connected to the world, if that makes sense.