Amygdalia's Blog

How should I feel?

I honestly don't know, at the moment.  My mom called me this afternoon to let me know that my grandmother is dying.  She has cancer, and has been declining fairly rapidly.  I've got so many thoughts floating through my mind, and none of them are particularly kind.  Right now, I'm pissed because it means my mom probably won't be coming down for our holiday party, this weekend.  I'm also upset because I can't jump in the car and drive up to support my mom.  I'm feeling guilty for feeling those things, and for feeling no sadness.  And I'm feeling . . . well, anger, I suppose . . . because she's the reason I cannot feel any sadness with her passing. 

I tried to sit down and write some of this earlier, but couldn't make myself.  I'm sure I'll have to do it again, do it better, do it more thoroughly, but right now I just need to get some of it out.

My grandmother was the most selfish, self-absorbed, unkind, malicious, passive-aggressive, negative person I've ever met in my life.  She made my mother's life a living hell for the 12+ years during which she lived with my mother.  She berated her, she threatened her, she made her feel uncomfortable in her own home, she was constantly demanding things . . . and she'd basically announced to my mother that she was moving in with her, right after Dhoc-li Llama was born.  It was almost 1 year ago that she ended up in the hospital, and my mother absolutely lost it - she REFUSED to allow my grandmother to come back into her home.  She had been gradually needing more care, and my mother could NOT, would NOT do it any longer.  It was a hellish few weeks, until we finally managed to get everything taken care of, and get grandma safely ensconced in an assisted living facility.  She called my mom repeatedly and threatened her "you have my checkbook (my mom wouldn't bring it to the hospital because it wasn't safe for her to have it there) and I'm going to have you arrested!  I'm going to follow you and haunt you, and make sure you never get another job!"  That's what my mother lived with for over a decade.   

My experience with my grandmother . . . was not all that much more pleasant.  I didn't have the daily misery of it, but whenever they would visit, it was horrible.  She played favorites - when Jakie was a baby, she brought him a few cute outfits, brought Sarah something very special . . . and brought Sophie a package of underwear.  She was childish "oh well, I'm not going to bother saying goodbye to you, because you don't like me anyway," she said to Sophie one time.  Going back . . . ON MY WEDDING DAY, she said to me "you really should have worn your retainer because your teeth are a mess."  Anything that she thought came flying out of her mouth.  Everything was "if there's one thing I can't stand, it's . . . "  The last straw for me was when she said that about the pacifier I'd given Jakie.  The child didn't use one, but I'd had some in hopes that I could stop being a human pacifier every once in a while.  He was toddling around the kitchen, with a WOODEN SPOON in his mouth, so I said "you can't walk around with that in your mouth, it's not safe.  This is safe," and gave him the pacifier.  "*tsk* If there's one thing I can't stand . . . " and I snapped "well, it's a hell of a lot better than having him running around with a wooden spoon in his mouth!"  "What are you yelling at ME for, what did I ever do to you?" etc etc etc . . . they were getting ready to leave, and she got her purse, and walked out the door.  Didn't say goodbye . . . didn't say goodbye to my children, either.  She refused to speak to me until I apologized to her.  Yeah, right.  There are so many other stories . . . those seem sort of lame when I think about them now, but they're the instances that are standing out in my mind at the moment. 

There's more, there's a lot more . . . but I don't have the time to write it, at the moment.  Perhaps I'll write more later this evening.