Second Helpings

Bug Gender Identification

Female Tummy Bug

Day 1 - Female feels a bit off colour but goes about her business, lays off the booze and has an early night.

Day 2 - Female feels like death warmed up, spends too much time in the little room talking to God on the big white telephone, but tries to be as quiet and discreet as possible. She spends the day in bed taking small sips of water.

Day 3 - Female still feels washed out, eats nothing but manages to load the washer, phone the parents and avoid contact with family for fear of passing bug on. Sleeps quietly on and off all day and makes no demands.

Day 4 - Female feels a little better, but still eats very sparingly. Guilt sets in at the lack of housework but energy levels are low so she rests in the hope of storing reserves.

Day 5 - Female starts to feel semi-human but sticks to a bland diet in between cleaning the kitchen, bathroom, bog and wrapping presents for the whole family.

Male Tummy Bug

Day 1 - Male over-indulges in food and alcohol, slouches in front of T.V, burps and farts, then declares he's not well. Makes a big X shape in the bed and snores for England.

Day 2 - Male spends several hours retching into the bog sounding akin to a mouse trying to pass an elephant turd. Spends the day in bed demanding drinks of iced lemonade every half an hour. By evening male expresses desire to get up and watch TV but is told 'no way.' Female does not want the bug back and deserves one night out of 365 in charge of the remote.

Day 3 - Male is up and whistling at 8.00am, declaring it has escaped death by the skin of its teeth and now feels fine. Male drinks copious amounts of fizzy lemonade and eats eggs and cheese. Female comments fizzy drinks and dairy products may not be the best remedy but is told to mind her own business. Female spends the evening listening to belly rumbles of male while reminded of Vesuvius erupting. Female goes to bed to escape.

Day 4 - Male cannot understand why tummy bug has not yet settled and believing he's about to meet his maker makes a doctor's apointment. Doc tells male to avoid fizzy drinks and dairy produce. Male sits in front of TV all day slurping soup and supping flat lemonade. Female does all the housework and prepares for party tomorrow.

Day 5 - Saturday - Prediction - Male will take it easy so as to be fit for party. Female will turn into blue-arsed fly preparing food and cleaning ready for party. Come evening, female will feel exhausted but paste a smile for guests. Male will feel fine, over indulge again and not be available for clearing up come Sunday.

You now have the necessary information to distinguish whether your bugs are male or female. Any questions?